Then, Now, Always
by Thennowandalways
Summary: Our favourite chap returns, and finds that happily ever after isn't necessarily guaranteed, angst and sex and Sirius, what more could you want?
1. Prologue: There are magical storms too

_This is my first fanfiction, and it's definitely a work in progress. So be kind!!_

_Oops, forgot the usual disclaimers etc. I couldn't possibly claim to have the imagination or talent needed to create such a work of art, therefore anything that bares any resemblence to the characters, stories or places you recognise should be considered the intellectual property of JK herself. I am nothing but a literary squib._

**Then, Now, Always**

**Prologue: There are magic storms too you know**

Remus cursed as he stumbled, he'd caught his foot on a fallen branch, one of many fragments of this house and garden which now lay scattered over the landscape.

"Thank Merlin no one was home." Harry's voice was tense as he helped him to his feet.

Thank Merlin indeed, there would have been nothing left of the large wizarding family who called this land home. He flinched as a lightning bolt like stream of magic hit the ground near his feet. He could hear a woman scream nearby and hoped to god it was just with shock.

"There's nothing else we can do here Harry. It's like a storm, just needs to play itself out."

They had spent hours on this site, searching for survivors but finding no one before mercifully being informed that there was no one to find, no one had been at home. But he still couldn't shake the feeling of unease; there was someone here. Somewhere, somehow someone was here, waiting.

He tripped again, the whole thing had thrown him off balance and he was acting like Tonks. Her image in his head sent a small shiver through him; they were so close to being back as they were. The thought made him straighten up, time to shape up, she would never forgive him if he died from ineptitude

He heard a faint noise, almost like a groan, but then the sky exploded again and he put it down to the noises of this magical event, whatever the hell it was.

Two meters on he heard it again and this time he stopped, definitely a groan, and another one. Low, pained and... familiar?

The breeze washed over him like a whisper and he stood stock still, it was somewhere, deep down in this memory, the sound, the faint smell on the air, it meant something to him, he knew it.

He heard Harry blundering around close to him and hissed for silence. Harry stopped without question, he'd worked enough with Remus to know when to question and when to trust.

This time he heard it too and their eyes met in silent question. Wands drawn they advanced slowly, eyes beginning to pick out shapes in the brief flashes which lit the sky. Garden chair, fallen tree, child's bicycle, bundle of clothes...

Bundle of clothes...

Moving...

Groaning...

Person...

The sense of familiarity was becoming stronger with every step towards this stirring person on the ground and Remus threw caution to the wind, running the last few steps.

Harry joined him leaning over the unknown person, and he joined his gasp when the flashing sky illuminated a face neither of them had seen outside dreams in eight years. Remus' caution was back immediately and the face on the ground, eyes now open like a miracle, frowned when he saw two wands aimed directly at him.

"What the fuck is going on?"


	2. Chapter 1: First Steps

**Chapter 1 – First Steps**

He followed them across the vast expanse of lawn, although maybe lawn was too formal a term for this sweeping meadow that seemed to bounce under foot as if celebrating his return. The grass was green, the sky was blue, the birds were singing and there may as well have been a chorus of cherubs playing their harps in the trees, for he was fucking back. Of course, he hadn't known he'd been away, but Sirius Black was never one to let the truth get in the way of a good party. He'd had a very strange 3 days, or 8 years, it depended who you spoke to really.

3 days ago he'd grabbed his wand and dashed to Harry's side, the place he intended to be from then on, to save the day, be the dashing hero, to kill that bitch and laugh over her body. Instead he dropped his guard, distracted as usual, and the last thing he remembered was the look of horror on the young boys face as he struggled in Remus' strong grasp and a relief that at least Remus would keep his last remaining family safe, while he felt the world start to blur and shimmer at the edges before fading to black.

That same boy, or man, now strode ahead in front of him, pointing out the path to the sea, the brook that ran through the bottom of the grounds, all the wondrous treats of this new home, this new life. Apparently it was indeed Wednesday, just not the one he had expected when he opened his eyes two days ago to find two familiar faces staring down at him in a mixture of shock and delight.

Now here he was, observing Harry as he enchanted the nearby patio by the pool. No doubt about it, when the stars came out they would see soft silver lighting through the shrubs and small trees that surrounded the place. Candles arranged themselves artfully over the low stone wall which bordered the area, and lilly pad candles scattered across the pool, at one end a small stage had been constructed.

"What's that for?" Sirius had a brief recollection of James 21th birthday. The candles, the lights, the stage, it was the last time he remembered them all together, truly happy. Since then the world had altered more every day, and he had a lot of days to catch up on.

He now understood, but it had been hard to grasp at first; 8 years in which he was dead but not buried, 8 years in which the dark side had lost and some of the mighty had fallen and he had been mourned. 8 years in which Remus had married, had a son and divorced, in which Harry had taken over the Auror division and settled down with a strange blonde girl who seemed to understand what it meant to be on the outside looking in. 8 years in which he himself had not changed a bit, aged just 3 days.

The day before yesterday he had stretched out his stiff limbs and opened his eyes to what, he logically assumed, was Armageddon. The world was lit with fire and bolts of magic shot across the night sky, acrid smoke filled his nostrils and he heard the familiar sound of screaming around him. Panic gripped him for seconds, where the hell was he? What the hell was going on? And who the hell were _they_? As his eyes focused on the they in question the world had started to turn again, warped sound turning back into something resembling real speech;

"What the fuck is going on."

Apparently that was all they needed and from then on it had been hard to wipe the smile from any of their faces. Sirius felt a remarkable sense of peace. He finally felt that Lilly and James could look down from on high and be happy for their son. They could be content that he had love and laughter and happiness in his life. That he had rejected the limelight that had lured some after the war, and settled down. He wrote books of all things as a hobby, children's tales of good and evil;

"_Children can change the world." He said. He'd earned the right to make that claim._

"Hermione's going to sing, believe me, this is a good thing." Harry almost smirked as he turned back towards the house. But before he'd had chance to question the look a cacophony of noise heralded the return of young Teddy and Tonks. In true tribute, both to those that had loved him and the man he thought he had grown into, Remus had named Harry Godfather, and there was nothing Teddy loved quite so much as to spend the afternoon enchanted by his Godfather's tales, and clandestine broom rides.

Tonks followed her small tornado of a son, waiving shyly at Remus and tucking a lock of rich chestnut hair behind her ear. The lurid pinks and purples of her youth had faded with age, she had become more comfortable with the signs of her heritage and didn't hide her true appearance anymore. Sharp cheekbones and almond shaped eyes, which flashed with violet when she was riled up. Sirius hid a chuckle from his friend; _bet she was a handful, lucky bastard._

She combined the skin deep startling beauty of the Black family with warmth that shone from her and softened the edges which had made other member of the family appear cold and cruel. She was a mother who loved her son, a friend who had proved herself time and time again to most and a woman who had once loved his friend, who may still do if her reaction was much to go by.

Sirius hadn't been clear on the reasons for the split, the shock of the war ending had apparently affected them all in different ways. They had brushed themselves off, looked around at the cost and the loss and wondered what the hell they were supposed to do now, now they had what they'd been fighting for all these years.

For Remus and Tonks it had left tension and awkwardness between them as they realised they didn't know each other at all. They knew each other as soldiers, willing warriors who gladly faced the end time and time again to try and do the right thing. They didn't know the person behind the soldier. And they panicked instead of starting again, they could have taken it slowly, learned about the other over time, experienced the usual joys of learning another person's soul. Instead they had found themselves in the grey morning light of their kitchen, Remus at the table holding Teddy and Tonks endlessly wiping the same glass over and over at the sink as the stubborn chant in her mind refused to fall silent;.

"_This isn't working. This isn't working. This isn't working."_

"This isn't working."

And here they were, three years later, skirting around each other like teenagers, it had taken them time, but slowly they appeared to have grown to know the person they loved, and on reflection of what they had learned, found they only loved them more.

The three had chatted through the early evening, staying away from the war, Remus had been careful to impart bad news piece by piece, one at a time. He knew that Sirius would not handle the short, sharp, shock treatment. He would take each death or tragedy at a time and privately recoil at the horror of them, if taken all at once they would have overcome him. So he let them go one by one, careful but honest in his words. Slowly painting images of heartbreak, death, strength and redemption until Sirius felt himself burst with anger and love for those who remained.


	3. Chapter 2: Strange Bedfellows

_Hello readers, I know the characters seem very different to the books etc but the story has taken a different turn as well, sorry to all you purists, I totally respect it if you prefer your characters to stick in synch with JK's original ones but perhaps this isn't the story for you!!_

_Thanks for the review, yes the characters are intended to reflect the tragedy that's happened. And it's not quite over yet... xx_

**Chapter 2 – Strange Bedfellows**

Tonks apparated Teddy back to her mothers and quickly returned; now looking dressed to kill for the evening's celebration. Remus had taken once look at his ex wife and virtually growled at her high heels, skinny black jeans and off the shoulder jumper. She had a wide silver belt and her hair, almost black for the occasion carried a silver streak. There she was; the perfect combination of glamour with a touch of witch's eccentricity.

The patio had filled up and everywhere he looked were happy smiling people, some obvious in their displays of relief and joy at his return, others trying desperately to appear more casual, merely shooting covert glances at him when they thought his back was turned. The lights flittered across the faces of the crowd and he felt an uncommon joy at this new world and his place within it.

Two identical ginger heads came into view and George slapped him on the back.

"Good to see you back."

"No one to cause scandal without you." Fred continued.

"Not entirely true Fred... don't forget Hermione."

"Ah Hermione..." Fred sighed, "speaking of, she'll be singing soon."

"Trust us mate..."

"Take our word for it."

George leaned in and said in a low tone. "Hot."

Sirius couldn't help it, he snorted.

"OK, I'm sure, Hermione Granger's now the vixen of Hogwarts instead of the virgin, leaving a tale of scandal and gossip in her wake. Hardly, not the uptight little know it all she was."

"Oh dear mate, you didn't know her at all did you?" George didn't look angry, just sad.

"More than just a brain that girl, potential as well, my little brother saw it." A quick frown flashed but was gone before anyone could comment. "And we saw it, and we were all right, I promise you, hot. A little bit messed up yes, but hot."

Remus had appeared in time to stop another biting comment from Sirius. He wasn't sure what bothered him so much about the little girl, the twins were right, he hadn't really known her, but he'd always been aware of her gaze, piercing. It was sometimes intrigued, sometimes incensed and, worst of all, often disappointed. Maybe it was the fact that she had been right in the end, his actions had 

caused untold pain, maybe it was the fact that she had seemed to know too much for such a young soul. Either way, she had grated on him then, with grudging respect, and the thought of her put him on edge even now. Coupled with a brief pang of surprise and hurt at the realisation that she hadn't come to see him yet. Surely she hadn't disliked him that much.

Harry's pregnant wife, Luna, had also appeared at their side.

"Don't let them tease you Sirius, anyway in two minutes they won't be paying attention to anything but the stage, I've seen it before."

As if on cue the stage came to life, soft lighting illuminating the star spangled backdrop, silver glinting in a perfect representation of... hang on, was that...?"

"Canis Major, yes." Remus spoke quietly. Sirius gazed at the black curtain, his star centred perfectly; _Sirius, the brightest of them all._

"Why?"

"I don't know, and I don't ask. I'm not sure if anyone else has figured it out. But I know Hermione too well to think it is an accident. It always made us think of you, who cares why?"

"How strange." Sirius couldn't imagine why Hermione would have her own private tribute to him. But the minute he caught sight of her his mind lost all interest in the stars. _Merlin, holy fucking Merlin... _He tried to remember how old she had been when he'd seen her last. End of fifth year wasn't it? 15, she had been 15. Beginning to grow slim but still retaining some puppy fat, hair a wild frizz which occasionally caught the light in exactly the right way. Loud, opinionated, stubborn and right. He supposed there may have been potential, but no one could have prepared him for this. If an elf had danced a jig in front of her with a sign reading 'Yes, Sirius Black, you, over there with your jaw on the floor like a stunned boggart, it's true, Hermione Granger is your perfect woman.' He wouldn't have been surprised.

No one who knew him would really have been surprised at his type. He sought out someone a little off centre, someone with something extra, a little raunchy, a little strange, someone who looked a little like adventure, someone who looked a lot like sex. Someone entirely different to the girl he had known, but personified perfectly in the woman he saw now. He took a moment to question his reaction, she had been a child after all. But she wasn't a child anymore, and he was just a man.

He wondered briefly how much Harry knew of this side of him. Would Remus have filled him in, explained the more X-Rated aspects of his Godfather's personality. Would he be disappointed or relieved to see this most human side of the man he had known only as a wanted man, a man running 

from the law and his past, verging on madness, never able to be the man he needed to be, wanted to be, was. Well, times had changed, he was innocent, he was back, and he was living.

And this girl (woman?) was standing in front of him on the stage, singing words to a song he had loved for as long as he could remember;

_I put a spell on you_

_Because you're mine_

Who'd have thought Hermione Granger had a voice for Blues, but he supposed years of war could do that to a person, and the words she sang had emotion dripped though every syllable.

Sirius liked sex, anywhere and everywhere, but not, as some expected, with anyone. He was a discerning partner, settling only for the best, only for the girls that brought him to his knees, and there had been a few yes, but not as many as some thought. When he had someone in his sights though, they didn't stand a chance, and he never disappointed.

He had even loved, but it had ended badly, in tragedy as with everything else, and a few days later when he found himself facing that devious little rat he had not questioned his own manic laughter. What else was there to do but laugh when everything else was gone?

He moved his attention back to the stage as Hermione's voice cut across the guests; the young and beautiful, or old and wise of the wizarding world, each respected and cherished in their own way. Her style was a mirror image of his; dark but luxuriant, her dress was black and floaty, cinched by a studded belt which showed off curves that owed nothing to puppy fat. Her shoes, deep, dark red, matching her nails, accented her long toned legs. Her long, wildly curled hair inspired very different thoughts then her teenage frizz had done, thoughts of tendrils wrapped around his hands, of pulling to tilt her head back, exposing that slender neck. A neck that led up, to a graceful but determined jaw line, the curve of a full lower lip, a peak of a tongue as it darted out to wet her upper lip inspired a groan from deep inside, he suppressed it with difficulty and continued to trace her face.

He couldn't see from so far away but he could guess that she would be flawless. The passing of time had re-shaped this person. Much as it had with Harry, with Tonks, with all the survivors. The girl had gone, in her place stood Hermione Granger, the woman with the voice like liquid smoke, like velvet, like shadows. The last woman to bring Sirius Black to his knees.

The party was winding down, only the most cherished remained, scattered across the garden furniture, weary but content. Tonks made her excuses and departed for the night, Sirius expected the awkwardness of the limbo her and Remus had found themselves in may have been impossible for her to bare. He heard the chilled out tones of Lisahall roll across the grounds;

_And I know_

_Yes I know_

_But is this real_

The tune seemed to capture the tone of the night, they were alive, they were well, but some of them still carried shadows with them. All this life, this survival, sometimes it seemed to slip for a moment, as if none of it was quite real. He'd withdrawn from the remaining guests, needing a little space to himself, and possibly a quiet drink with Remus. Some may have forgotten the solitude he'd grown used to over the years but he hadn't, and sometimes without warning the noise and chaos that others brought with them seemed too much for him.

However as he turned the corner he heard Remus' low chuckle.

"You always were a minx."

"What can I say Professor? You bring out the worst in me."

Wait... was that? No, couldn't be, was that Hermione?

"And if this is going to be goodbye then we should finish as we started don't you think?"

Defninitely Hermione, but a grown up Hermione whispering in tones he hadn't heard from her before; breathless and suggestive. The sound drove right to the core of him and he was hard in a minute.

He saw her arch against Remus' hands as they moved over her dress and cupped her breast firmly as he bent his head to her neck and muttered in tones just loud enough to hear.

"Up against a wall with no regard for who might be round the corner, leaving me on my knees and your back covered in scratches?"

"Sounds about right." She arched into him again and brought her hand down to rub against the front of his trousers. Christ if he was Remus he would...

...Remus moved to cup her arse and slammed her up against the wall as she wrapped her legs around his waist and ripped the buttons from his shirt...

... well exactly.

"You are an exceptional woman Miss Granger," Remus ran a hand up her thigh, moving to the inside as he slipped under her dress. Sirius saw her throw her head back as she gasped at whatever his friend's fingers were doing to her. "And I really will miss this."

Hermione came forward to take his lips in a hungry kiss and Sirius managed to make a silent exit; that was enough voyeurism for one day.


	4. Chapter 3: At Last We Meet

**Chapter 3: At last we meet**

'Oh' seemed like such an inadequate word, but truly it was all she was capable of. Since she was 11 years old she had seen things she would never have believed, ridden dragons, battled trolls, not to mention experiencing evil beyond the realms of your imagination, but nothing had prepared her for the shock she felt now looking at this man in front of her. This beautiful, beautiful man who hadn't changed a bit from the last day she had seen him 8 years ago.

"Oh" she said again and didn't miss the twitch in his jaw. It hinted at laughter, or anger, or frustration, or nerves maybe? Who knew, Merlin knows she never could read him.

In truth she had been too much of a coward to see him, he confused her and she had been determined to avoid him. _Yeah, right, true Gryffindor she was, filled with courage. _She was off track anyway, thrown but not hurt at Remus' declaration. It was clear to anyone with eyes that Remus and Tonks were merely on hiatus, but they had both followed their separate paths, and Hermione had been his much like Tonks had sought comfort in the arms of Charlie Weasley. Either way, this had been inevitable, and she was pleased for her lover. But once again she pondered the prospect of long, dark lonely nights, of the sleep Remus had always helped her to postpone, and tried to suppress a shiver.

"Are you cold." Before she could comment he had reached around her and covered her shoulders with his jacket. Now he could see her up close she was no less than perfect. Some men may have struggled with seeing the object of their lust entangled with another man, but Sirius knew Remus, knew how he worked, that he was similar to Sirius, always had been, he took his comfort in the feel of skin on skin.

Many mistook Remus for the shy kind, but when it came to women it couldn't be further from the truth, when everything looked bleak and dark and dangerous Remus would look for affirmation in the closeness and heat and heartbeats of sex. Sirius couldn't feel uncomfortable about it, he and Remus had always had the same taste in women, as had James really. Think about Lilly, definitely something extraordinary about that woman. Tonks was his cousin, and she didn't stir anything inappropriate, but he had eyes, and that woman was no innocent, the way he saw her look at Remus sometimes put in mind a hunter sizing up her prey. Remus was a man with good taste.

She shivered again as the back of his hand caught her collar bone. She felt a jolt, and her stomach lurched, she almost stumbled and as he caught her arm and brought her closer to him she swore she would burn up.

_Get a grip on yourself, you're just all over the place, feeling lost, high and horny, with no one to scratch the itch. This is not a man, it is Sirius._

Sirius did not fit into the man category in her no longer so well ordered mind. He could not be defined, Merlin knew she had tried. She had seen him so many different ways; a joker with the twins, and love hate relationship with Molly which made him yell with frustration in one breath and offer her genuine comfort and respect in others. She had seen him show contempt in moments, faced with Kreature or another memory of his birthright, and at others she had shown him impart wisdom so far removed from his usual casual conversation. This was usually directed at Harry, the voice was not quite that of a father, more an older brother, it crept out in Harry's occasional bouts of dark depression, and she knew she was never meant to hear.

"_The ones that love us never really leave us."_

How right, the words of those that really, truly make an impact on your life are imprinted on your soul forever. She would never have forgotten the one time he had let his guard down around her;

"_Still up Hermione?" She had jumped, every inch the scared little girl in her woolly socks, PJ pants and oversized Cannons jumper. _

"_I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I'm not used to having company down here at night."_

_She had frowned, hearing the implications of his words._

"_You're down here a lot at this time?" The illuminated clock read 4.43am._

"_There is nothing worse than the introspective doubts and recriminations that come with the dark Miss Granger."_

_For a second she wondered why he would say such a thing to her. This was Sirius; he was the embodiment of Gryffindor courage. He never seemed to show the strains of his life. He had seen her confusion and chuckled darkly._

"_Come on Hermione, don't tell me you don't know exactly what I mean? I'm not one of those blind fools out there, I see how your mind works; you understand everything you hear, even the words that are not said. You're not a child"_

_Her eyes had widened ,the stress was definitely there, maybe he just didn't show it to the 'children' but as he'd pointed out she was no child, when on earth had he paid her enough attention to draw these conclusions? But she knew, he was right._

"_Yes I know Sirius, I know what the doubt of the night is. You're right, I'm not a child. But neither are Harry or Ron, or any of us really. At which point in all of this do you people think we've lived our perfect childhood?" She was frustrated and angry and fairly or not he was going to bare the brunt of it. _

"_Do you think it was during Harry's time at the Dursley's? In the cupboard under the stairs? Or did you think it was at school? During the five solid years of fighting to keep Harry alive? When Quirrel went for us? When Mad-Eye Moody spent a year in a pit while one of the most sadistic Death Eatersin history stood at Harry's side. When you turned up and Harry made the decision to save you from Snape, to listen rather than following his anger, showed maturity and heart more than any man?"_

_He had taken a step towards her, as if to stop her, but then thought better of it and let her continue her rant. Maybe he recognised her frustrations, maybe he sympathised, maybe she just amused him, whatever it was that made him stop she had been grateful. Her nerves were frayed and hr mind was working overtime, it did her some good to let things out. _

"_Did you think it was the moment that we understood that being a good man, like Remus, didn't protect him from prejudice? Perhaps it's when we look to the future and don't dare to think of a time when the war will be over, terrified to think we might not make it that far. Just tell me, or have Molly explain it or something, when exactly do you think any of us had the time to be children?"_

_He stared at her in awe appearing to see her properly for the first time. His look of amazement shifted to a bitter smirk;_

"_You're right Hermione, you're always so goddamned right. How? How do you have all the answers? Please tell me because I could really do with them. I want to know how you think it's possible that any of us would do anything other than fight with all our might for whatever shred of innocence or naiveté is left in you all. Tell me how you think you lot aren't exactly what we are fighting for. Tell me how you think I could get any sleep at all if I knew that Harry was out in the field."_

_She knew, of course, exactly what he was saying, it was a defence for him she had raised against Harry and Ron many a time after all. But she still couldn't help her pride;_

"_Well you don't seem to get much sleep as it is Sirius, and you'd be a fool to think that Harry wasn't in danger every day, that we all were. But we know that, we've embraced it and chosen to fight whatever comes our way. And you would do to remember that Mr Black, because we will do whatever we feel is necessary." She advanced towards him, ignoring the little thrill that came with being so close to this dark and troubled man._

"_No matter who or what gets in our way. We will finish this."_

With that she had spun on her heel and left him in his solitude, but she had always worried for him that little bit extra, had always been a little more kind. She had always born the weight of his turmoil deep inside her; he was, to her, a living embodiment of the deep, dark despair of war.

And here he was, in front of her, concerned look on his face. No he was not a man, men she could gauge, could read or define. Sirius was all things to all people, and to her he was an enigma.

"Are you OK?"

She got a grip on herself with every bit of effort she could muster and smiled at his concern.

"Of course, you try spending the evening in four inch heels, see how you manage." They both laughed but the silence that followed carried on just a beat too long to be comfortable.

"Well, at last we meet again Miss Granger. Surprised to see me? You seem to have been busy these last three days, I thought maybe you didn't care." He'd never really been one to beat around the bush, he was teasing but there was an edge to his voice which hinted at the truth of the words.

"Busy yes, oblivious no, I wanted to give you some time with Remus and Harry, figured we would have time to catch up later. I was coming to find you earlier, but I got... sidetracked." She tailed off.

"Yes, I noticed, long standing arrangement? Remus always was one for casual relationships, totally goes against his nice guy image I thought." He wondered for a second if he'd been too forward. Her eyes had widened slightly, but she covered it up and flashed him a short, but wicked smile.

"Didn't take you for the voyeuristic type Mr Black, should have known better. Remus and I are more than fuckbudies but less than a couple. We are convenient and enjoyable..." She blushed, but only slightly, equally brazen in her steady eye contact.

"And we are over."

The last phrase took him by surprise, it had an air of finality about it; as if she had reached the end of a particular path and would now turn away without another thought.

"Really?" Eyebrow cocked, he wouldn't have imagined Remus keeping a mistress, or Hermione agreeing to be one, but he would have found it more than difficult to give this woman up. She smelled like orchids, and spice, her perfume reminded him of every exotic location he had seen while on the run, most of all it reminded him of the broken quiet of the South East Asian night time. Bugs chirping and the sea lapping the shore as he looked at the stars and thought of the ones left behind.

"Yes, so is the Summer really, it's fitting I suppose, with your arrival; the end of life as we know it, the star of something new, it feels like a time of change.

She'd moved to leave and he'd grabbed her arm.

"Oh no you don't, you may not have seen me in 8 years, and might not have thought much of me to begin with but surely you don't think I'm so unchivelrous as to let you walk home alone young lady?"

She taken his proffered arm and swayed into him on purpose, laughing as she did so.

"OK, be my knight in shining armour Sirius!"

He had taken his hand in hers and she looked at him, almost shyly;

"You're wrong you know." He raised an impeccable eyebrow at her in question.

"Rarely my dear, rarely."

"No, you are, about what you said, about what I thought of you."

He said nothing, just brought his eyes down to stare at her hand in his and then back up to connect with hers.

"I loved you as much as they all did, and I grieved, and I mourned you, like I mourned all of them."

There wasn't really anything to say after that, he simply brought her hand up to his mouth and softly kissed the back of it, then with a voice not quite steady and suspiciously bright eyes he smirked that familiar smirk pulled her close to him

"Come on trouble, let's get you home."


	5. Chapter 4: A New Hermione

**Chapter 4 A New Hermione**

"So, tell me, where exactly am I escorting you to this morning? It occurs to me I have no clue where you live." Sirius had taken her arm and was currently allowing her to steer him in the direction of the coast path.

"London mainly, I have an apartment by the river, business is good you know." She said with a cheeky wink.

"But I have a cottage here, my grandmother left it to me, it's no coincidence I'm so close to Harry, he chose this spot to keep us close. Remus isn't far away you know, and George and Fred are down here when they're not in town. I don't think any of us like to be separated too much these days."

He squeezed her arm, encouraging her to go on.

"Anyway, the place is safe as anything. The cottage was a hideout for us after Hogwarts and it's so surrounded with protective charms you couldn't get a dormouse within the boundary without me knowing. The charms extend to Harry's, I think he likes to know Luna is protected when he's not here."

He was impressed; "that's a wide reach for a charm, you really are as talented as they say."

"Actually it was Ron, before... well... you know... anyway, turns out he had been listening all those years, he was a dab hand at protection..."

She trailed off, not speaking the words which hung in the air regardless; _protection, protecting me._ Sirius wanted to prompt her, to keep her talking, learn about the missing years, but something in the careful set of her jaw indicated that the subject of Ron was closed.

So instead they had meandered slowly along the path, neither one caring the apparate and cut the journey short as the sun came up over the sea in a miracle of pinks and oranges.

"You know, I always did wonder if you would come back."

He said nothing, merely raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"Well it seemed like such a quiet exit for someone who made their presence so felt, to simply fade into nothing. It felt like there should have been trumpets and drums and the end of all things, but instead you simply weren't. It didn't seem like a fitting end, didn't feel permanent."

He laughed;

"I'm not really sure how to take that... I guess I always was a thorn in your side."

"That's not what I meant, and you weren't, you were an enigma to me, as you are now."

"I'm not that complicated Hermione, you're giving me too much credit."

"Hardly, I never did understand you."

"What's to understand? I live my life from day to day. There's no secret, there's just me. You haven't known me as an adult Hermione, but when you do you'll realise I'm an open book, ask Remus, he knows what I'll do before I do."

She didn't show any signs of sorrow that her and Remus were over and it intrigued him.

"So, you and Remus?"

She laughed at his curiosity.

"There's nothing to tell."

"I guess I'm just surprised how easily you let go. Women tend to fall for him you know, even if he doesn't realise it. So not a case of star crossed lovers then?"

"I'm not the falling kind Sirius."

He snorted; "Bollocks."

"Excuse me?"

"I said bollocks. The Hermione Granger I knew was the falling kind."

"Well I guess I'm not the Hermione Granger you knew then."

"Since Ron?" It was a gentle question, not pushing, just kind and for that reason only she answered him. Give him time, he'd realise, like the rest of them, that Ron wasn't a subject she cared to discuss.

"Yes. Since Ron. We're home."

He stretched in his chair, rested his feet on the rail of Hermione's terrace and smiled as the smell of bacon wafted out to him.

"How hungry are you?" Her voice carried over the breaking waves and he was amazed at how perfect the situation seemed. Both together, in her little cottage by the sea, easy in each other's company as they never had been before.

"Starving love. How are you not knackered?"

She walked out to him and placed his sandwich in front of him, thick crusty bread and crisp bacon, served up by a beautiful woman, every man's dream.

"I'm just bursting with natural energy." She said sarcastically. He noted her lack of breakfast.

"You not hungry?"

"Not really." No food, not tired, a little twitchy. He frowned.

"You high?"

"A little, it's wearing off." No shame in her admission, no hiding the fact.

"Why do you take that shit?"

"You telling me you never did?"

"Coke wasn't a big deal when I was young. Besides, you live much more in the muggle world then I ever did"

"You're still young you muppet. And the boundaries between muggle and magic are blurring. What was your poison then?"

"Whisky, always has been."

"And..."

She wasn't going to let it go, he could tell.

"OK, so I dabbled. Doesn't mean I condone it, especially not in the case of a little girl who's a friend of the man I consider a son to me. And I'm not young, I'm old, old and worn."

She wasn't going to placate his self-pity, he was sure, and she didn't disappoint, glossing right over it.

"I'm not a little girl, I believe the floorshow you caught earlier probably backs me up there. And what I choose to do is my decision. You only live once Sirius..."

He smirked.

"... In most cases." She admitted with a small smile.

"Anyway, I'll only live once, and it might be short, and I intend to do what I like, when I like, it's not frequent, occasional."

"Sounds like the makings of a habit if you ask me."

"That's just the thing Sirius, I'm not asking you. Besides it's been four years and it hasn't escalated. I like a line occasionally, and a joint occasionally, and sometimes I drink too much. I'm 23, if not now then when? I'm not going to justify myself to you"

He didn't like it but she obviously couldn't give a fuck what he thought. To his surprise she did offer one further piece of information on her way back inside.

"You know what it's like not to sleep for years Sirius, how did you manage to live through the day time?"

He waited till she came back outside, changed into a pair of shorts and tank top to embrace the unusual heat of the early morning.

"Rage, Hermione. Rage kept me awake.

She stared out across the sea, and for a moment he wondered if she hadn't heard him.

"Well, what a pair we are."


	6. Chapter 5 Questions and Explanations

**Chapter 5 Questions and Explanations**

It was three weeks until he saw her again. And it was just by chance. He wasn't surprised it had been so long, Remus had warned him.

"_She spoke about Ron?"_

"_Briefly, yes."_

_Remus' eyes had widened with surprise. _

"_Well don't expect to see her again too soon; she doesn't like to feel like she's opened up. Keeps her secrets to herself."_

_He digested the information for a moment._

"_Not all of them, what's with the drugs?"_

"_You noticed then? It's been going on for years, we all had a go at dissuading her to begin with, she didn't speak to Harry for 3 months when he told her Ron would hate it. We leave the subject alone now. George Weasley is just as bad, worse maybe, he lost his fiancé and Hermione and he seem to have bonded over their way of escaping the past. Maybe we should excuse it, given everything. Maybe we shouldn't judge, after all..."_

_He left the rest unsaid, didn't need to finish. Who among them didn't seek out some form of release? Sex, drink, drugs, solitude? It was all the same really, destructive methods of dealing with their private demons._

"_I guess, it's just surprising really, I never thought Hermione..."_

_He tailed off and Remus shrugged, but not unsympathetically said._

"_You thought Hermione would have small ginger children by now and be teaching potions or working for the Ministry? So did she. Nothing quite turns out the way you think. This is not designed to rub it in, but you've missed a lot Sirius, it's taken us years to build up to even this level of normalcy. Harry's the only one who's really done things right. The rest of us have fallen apart at various times."_

"_Knew the boy was special."_

"_Special yes, and desperate, desperate for a life he never had, and he's single-mindedly gone about building it. Hermione's gone the other way, changed her aspirations and goals. She's a hedonist, living each day as it comes and refusing to think about consequences."_

_Sirius had thought back to the fragile, beautiful woman on the terrace that morning and her words. Yes, what a pair they were._

"_What happened to Ron? I mean, I know he's gone, but no one's told me how."_

_Remus grimaced, it wasn't story that he wanted to tell, wasn't something anyone spoke about really. A mixture of guilt, loss and tragedy kept his memory silent. But Sirius needed to know about the missing years, and god help him it appeared to be his job to fill him in, reliving every painful memory along the way._

_He swallowed, then gulped back a large swig of whisky._

"_It was Bella."_

_Sirius flinched at the name._

"_They had come after Hermione, quite rightly actually, she always was the brains of the operation. It was four years ago, almost to the day. The past few months had been difficult, really difficult. People were falling left right and centre, Seamus, you didn't know him, one of their friends, he'd been ripped to pieces, and Luna's father, and Minerva, all in the last two weeks..."_

_Remus trailed off and took another swig, and finally Sirius seemed to realise what this was doing to his friend._

"_I'm sorry Moony, I know what this does to you, I know how hard it is, but I need to know, you know I need to know."_

_Remus nodded. Almost imperceptibly, but Sirius knew that his friend would forgive him this imposition, that he understood._

"_So, they came for her, there was no warning. They just appeared, at the burrow, Merlin knows how they found it but they did. There wasn't much of a fight really, they'd come in force and we were so sure... so stupid... but so sure that we were safe there we'd left them alone. All anyone really knows is that Bill came home to find Hermione draped over Ron's body, she was devastated, and furious. _

_She said he'd cast a charm over her so she couldn't be seen, but it also meant she couldn't fight back, they couldn't hear her, couldn't see her, but she saw everything, heard everything. She heard them taunting him, heard him say he'd never give her up, and in the end she saw him pay for that with his life. He had last words though, she's only ever spoken about this to Bill just after he found her, hasn't said another word on the subject since. Apparently he called out to her after they'd gone, it was too late to save him, he told her he didn't regret it, that he'd live all the years with her knowing how it would end because he loved her so much, he told her that he'd died as he should have done, making sure that she lived."_

_Sirius had shivered despite the summer sun, Christ what a mess he'd missed. Once again the horror of the past years overtook him. He'd learned once, in muggle studies, about an all consuming war, one that had spread over nations and seas, one that had ripped apart families and dreams and finally he understood how the survivors had felt. A lost generation who had lived through the murder and fire and dealt with it in their own private ways. _

_He'd lived through one war and the implications of it had almost finished him, his friend, his closest friend, his brother who sat opposite him had lived through two and had lost people close to him time and time again. There was no doubt that his infamous and fearless actions during the war had paved the way for him, and Teddy to have a life devoid of the prejudice once caused by his condition, but at what cost? He was so proud of Remus, so very proud._

"_What happened to Bella?"_

"_Hermione" And there was no question what that one word meant._

So his thoughts had drifted to Hermione more than once in the weeks past. He'd thought about her then, as the girl he knew and had tried to piece together the years that had turned her into the person she was now. A person who intrigued him but also saddened him, he had never wanted that dark edge for her, although he knew really it was inevitable. There were always casualties in war.

When he finally caught a glimpse of her she quite simply took his breath away. There was no bottle this time, no drugs, no darkness. He'd apparated to Remus' home, seeking out his old friend for some easy company and instead he'd become enchanted by the sight of Teddy and Hermione playing catch in the front garden.

She was wearing cut off jeans and a t-shirt she'd cut the neck off, the sky blue material clung beautifully and yet not even the fact that the left hand side was slipping down her arm, creating a classic off the shoulder look, could make the t-shirt seem intentionally provocative. Bearing the slogan 'What is the What?' which Sirius wouldn't begin to pretend to understand the meaning of, this was obviously a casual standby, comfort clothing.

Teddy was screaming with laughter as Hermione caught up with him and bundled him into the air with a flick of her wand, that boy was certainly not afraid of anything, much like his mother. She straightened up and set him on the ground with a kiss and a ruffle of her hair, looking oddly wistful for a moment before she caught sight of Sirius and blushed slightly.

"I'm surprised Tonks lets you watch him." He broke the silence as he strode towards her. She laughed good naturedly and brushed some grass from the front of her shirt.

"Oh, I think it's a case of 'keep you friends close etc'. Besides, I know she tries, she's painfully polite, much like Remus is with Charlie. It would be amusing if it wasn't so damn trying!"

Sirius chuckled with her and casually draped an arm around her shoulder as they followed Teddy towards the house.

"So, avoid anyone lately?"

She had the good grace to blush again.

"I'm sorry, I'm... well I guess you could say I'm..."

"Prone to reclusive tendencies on occasion?" Sirius supplied her.

"Yes, that and temper tantrums when I decide someone has encroached too much into my space."

The smile faded from his face.

"Hermione, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

But she cut him off with a hand on his arm.

"You didn't Sirius, you did nothing wrong at all, I'm just, maybe not the easiest person is the best way to put it!"

He tightened his arm round her shoulders and pulled her towards him, dropping a casual kiss on the top of her head.

"Well now I know."

"Yes, now you know. We've all changed Sirius, don't be too shocked by what some of us have become. I guess... well I guess it'll take some time to figure us out, but the people that loved you are still here, and we're... I'm... glad to have you back."

Sirius smiled into her hair and wondered again at the miracle of his return. No one could explain it and no one wanted to question it, terrified that questioning the event would somehow undo it. He'd been surprised at how easily Hermione had let it go;

"_Just a twist of magic." She'd said, and had seen his raised eyebrows, surely the indomitable Granger would seek answers? "Come on Sirius, we've all seen too much to be surprised anymore, there aren't always answers. Sometimes you have to take a little on faith." He wasn't certain but he thought he'd heard her mutter, as she turned away from him; "that's if you have any faith left."_

Back in the present day he wondered if she did have faith left, she seemed brittle on occasion, and she had made choices he wouldn't have imagined. Her tanned shoulder showed off a phoenix tattoo, she'd been shagging Remus, apparently without any desire for a relationship, she took drugs... _drugs... Hermione on drugs. _He wasn't innocent, and he wasn't judgemental, but if there was anyone he would have trusted to stay away from the dark side it was her.

He studied her carefully as she leaned down to talk to Teddy; there was still kindness in her eyes but it was coupled with a shake in her hands, she was beautiful, no doubt about that, but her toned body looked toned for battle and tensed in readiness, for what he wasn't sure, but it had been that way each time he'd seen her, as if she could never truly relax. He used to hear her sing as a teenager in his house but now her voice had more than an edge of regret and hurt.

She was right of course, when wasn't she? They had all changed, but she seemed to carry the changes more obviously than the others. He'd had some time to study all of them over the weeks and it was with a mixture of regret and hope that he remembered what he'd seen.

Regret for the twitch in Remus' eye which spoke of his inability to relax, regret for the way Molly Weasley no longer scolded him but instead seemed to be lost in her grief, after all these years.

It was regret for George Weasley who seemed somehow diminished, it was now easy to tell the difference between the two twins; George was the one who's eyes were missing the spark of mischief the twins had always shared.

It was regret for the rows of names on the memorial, for the single word he'd heard Harry whisper to all the people he couldn't save.

"Sorry."

But there was hope too, hope in the way Harry looked at Luna like his world began and ended with her and their unborn child. There was hope in the way Tonks held her head high now, in the way Teddy had a father who was more a hero to him than any story book man could be.

There was hope in the most unexpected of places. It was there in the way Draco Malfoy, of all people, had gently wiped away Teddy's tears after he'd taken a tumble, in the way the one time follower of Voldemort had apparently placed himself between his father and Hermione and taken whatever Lucius could throw at him in his desire to protect her.

There was hope in Hogwarts, in the now friendly rivalry between the houses, many of the students were old enough to remember the war, most had families which had fought in it, and all were determined to be united in their desire to stop it happening again.

He'd once told Harry that there was both light and dark inside of everyone, and the war had brought out both sides with force. Now this small band of people who he loved without question were 

carrying the scars, but they were also free and safe and living, and that was enough for most of them. But as he looked at Hermione he wondered if it was really enough for her?


	7. Chapter 6: This is How it Starts

**Chapter 6 This is How it Starts**

Hermione had been aware of his curious gaze and with a start she had realised she cared what he thought, what would he make of her now? Now that she had killed, now that she had lost, now that she had lost herself?

He was in her thoughts as she apparated home, as she read over her notes from work, the questioning look in those beautiful eyes was as clear as if it were right in front of her as she tried to run him out of her thoughts on the treadmill and, later that night as she took a deep, satisfying lung full of pungent smoke he was still there.

He'd changed as well, or maybe it was just a reflection of her altered self. Where once his eyes had teased her they were now soft and understanding, where once he'd treated her as exactly what she was, his godson's young friend, he now treated her as an equal, an adult, he had made the transition without blinking.

Well, she thought with a wry smile, it was probably hard to see her as a child after watching her shag his best friend. Merlin knew what he must be thinking; she wasn't quite what she had been, inside and out.

Hermione had made no sudden decision to prevent anyone getting close to her. As far as she could work out she had simply lost the desire to share her life. Thankfully those around her recognised the change, and even if they didn't fully understand they respected her choice. Harry and Remus, now her two closest friends, had once urged her to talk about the past, but it was hard enough to think about it, let alone talk about it. That's why she sought comfort the way she did, she enjoyed the way it dulled her mind, stopped her thoughts, and paused the pain.

Some time ago she had reconciled herself to a life alone. Yes she would always have friends and she would always care for them, but there was no white picket fence in her future. And that was OK, she was a lucky one really, she knew what it was like to love someone completely and anything else would pale in comparison. As she was still in love with Ron it was obvious there would never be room for anyone else, so it didn't worry her and she refused to waste her energy dreaming of the impossible.

She didn't know how much of this he understood; she assumed someone had filled him in on the things she would rather not speak about. It was clear that he was careful around her.

In the days after their accidental meeting at Tonks and Remus' they crept towards each other. He sought her out for a few words here or there, she found herself on the doorstep of Grimmauld Place for the first time in years, wondering if she should step across the threshold of her past or run. He'd ignored the fear in her eyes and had gentled her into calm with his inconsequential chat about this and that, work, Remus, the due date of little James. He'd made her tea and sandwiches and pushed her to eat, perhaps sensing that she was not really taking care of herself these days.

She'd taken the opportunity to allow herself to watch him for a change, running her eyes greedily over him. She may not have wanted love, but she certainly wanted him. Her gaze ran over him, dark hair tied back, highlighting the strength of his features, high cheekbones, a straight nose, soft, inviting lips and eyes which looked like pools of silver.

His chest was broad and, from what she had felt on the odd occasion she had brushed up against him, firm. His thighs looked perfect under his jeans and for a moment she entertained the image of her nails digging into them as he ploughed into her again and again.

But it was his hands which really captivated her. Large, strong hands, which ended with graceful if callused fingers. She could see a tattoo peeking out from the arm of his t-shirt and another one across the back of his left hand. She wanted to trace it with her tongue, to taste his skin, to feel those hands on her.

It had been a month and a half now since she'd felt someone else's skin against her own. Six long weeks since she'd allowed the feel of someone filling her completely to chase away her dark memories. She wouldn't say she couldn't exist without sex, but she'd happily admit that she didn't want to.

But she'd learned to pick her companions carefully; she needed to be sure there was no danger of attachment, no risk that they would expect more from her.

"You really are stunning you know."

His words startled her from her thoughts and when she caught the glint in his eye she knew he'd seen her looking, and he knew she liked what she saw.

"People used to say I was pretty." She knew why they didn't anymore; there was something in her eyes that made pretty too soft a word for her.

"Pretty is a word for girls Hermione. You've seen too much to fall into that category now."

"I know." But just for one moment she wished she was a girl again, that she could rub off her hard edges and find herself again.

"Hermione..." She hadn't even noticed him come closer to her, hadn't seen his hand move towards her, but there was no mistaking the feel of his fingers cupping her cheek, of the firm but somehow gentle feel of his thumb tracing her lower lip.

_So this is how it starts?_

There was no hesitation on Sirius' movements, he knew what he wanted and knew he wasn't alone in his desires. But he'd taken too much for granted, hadn't noticed the hesitation on her eyes.

"No, wait." She backed away from him suddenly, almost turning her chair over in the process. He stood up immediately, took a step towards her and then back again, now he was unsure. Had he misread the signs? He didn't think so, but clearly he'd done something.

"Hermione, forgive me, I shouldn't..."

"No, don't. It felt good; it's just, you should know, I'm not a relationship girl Sirius."

"So? Who said anything about relationships?" He raised an eyebrow and shot her a trademark smirk, she smiled despite herself.

"I just mean that you should know, before we get involved. There's no forever here, no love, no happy every after. I'm no arrogant enough to think you'll develop feelings for me, but if you do, don't expect them to be returned."

He was almost speechless; she certainly knew how to suck the romance from a situation. He just stared at her blankly and before he knew it he saw the small fire in her eyes dim and she stepped away from him again.

"Look, maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I thought you could handle it. Obviously I was wrong, I apologise."

With that she was gone... or at least that was her plan.


	8. Chapter 7: Met His Match

**Chapter 7 Met His Match**

Hermione was aware of tugging on her arm as she apparated, but it wasn't until she landed in her hallway and immediately found herself pressed up against the wall that she realised why.

Sirius had his whole body pressed against her and for a brief moment she fought down panic, then her eyes caught his and she might as well have been a puddle on the floor for all the good her legs did her. It was purely the pressure of his body against hers that kept her standing. Firm thighs pressed against her and her hands, trapped between them, were only aware of the hard, sculpted body hidden under the muggle t-shirt her wore.

He smelled like the sea, like fresh air and sea mist and she breathed in a great lungful of him, couldn't get enough.

But it was his eyes that turned him from just another strong attractive man into a troubling force of nature who sent a shiver of apprehension through her. His eyes, coupled with his words as he leaned forward and growled in her ear, left her in no doubt that this man wouldn't be as compromising as Remus. This man would need handling very, very carefully.

"I'll put up with your bullshit Hermione, because you're right, I do want you, I don't think I've ever wanted anyone quite so much in such a short time, so for that reason, and only that, I'll disregard the fact that you just talked to me like a school boy. But don't ever try and dictate terms to me again."

He nibbled, none too gently on her ear and as she felt his breath tickle inside her ear her legs almost buckled again. He drew back and looked straight at her, into her almost. Eyes the colour of stormy grey oceans gazed into hers and his lips, just a few tantalizing millimetres away, were the most fascinating things she'd ever seen.

Lips which came closer, and closer, until she couldn't believe that they could get so close and still not touch her, not when the evidence of his desire for her was pressed up against her stomach. This man had serious control.

But so did she. He may not be a school boy, but she wasn't a schoolgirl either and it was time to end this.

As he finally brought his lips in for the kill she jerked her head back fractionally, just far enough to deny him. He growled at the smirk on her face and brought his mouth to hers again, only to find himself out of luck once more as she brought her head back just slightly. At the same time they realised she had no where left to run, her head was smack against the wall and he had her cornered. He smirked again;

"Nowhere left to run? Oh dear." Running his eyes over her body with a smouldering look which made her breath catch, he wanted control, that much was evident.

She obviously had other ideas though as without warning he found himself spun round until his own back was pressed against the wall and Hermione was agonizingly close again. This time there was no hesitation as her lips smashed into his without mercy.

She clasped at his shoulders as if she would fall from the earth without him to tether her and he understood how she felt. This kiss was magic, no doubt about it, and he was a wizard, he knew what magic was.

Soft lips explored as tongues caressed and hands began to travel. She was delicate but clearly not fragile as she urged him to kiss her harder, pressed against him with a strength he hadn't attributed to this slip of a girl. He should have known better, she was all women neatly combined in one small package of large contradictions. She was light and dark, drugs and kiss chase, strength and sorrow and to him she felt like home.

But he knew that while he'd made his speech about not dictating terms to him she would disappear at the first sign of the arrow which had pierced him. So he kept quiet, on that particular subject anyway.

"Bed" he demanded, "now."

She pulled his shirt up around his shoulders and yanked it over his arms.

"No, no time. Here. Now. Hard."

Christ, he wasn't an old man but he was out of practice and he wondered, as his jeans went the way of his t-shirt, how a girl he'd remembered as a naive, despite her protests to the contrary, bookworm suddenly had him all but naked as she remained fully clothed. He'd met his match here in the hallway with this woman, some kind of cross between and angel and the devil. For a second he recalled Remus' warning.

_He'd stood to follow Hermione into the garden as she escaped for a cigarette, it was a weekly dinner and he'd noticed her flinch as the noise level grew with the twins inane laughter. But before he could get to the door he'd felt a hand on his arm._

"_What are you doing?" Remus had asked with a frown._

"_I don't know what you mean."_

"_Yes you do, you know exactly what I mean, you're chasing her."_

_Sirius had removed Remus' hand from his arm, gently but firmly._

"_I am not chasing, I don't chase. I am following at a leisurely pace."_

"_Well be careful, that way danger lays my friend, believe me."_

And now he knew what his friend had meant, for a brief insane second he wished he'd listened, but he knew, really, that he would never have been able to resist her.

She dropped to her knees and as her hands reached for his boxer shorts he was frozen for a moment. Ever since he had seen her mouth forming perfect words into a microphone at the party he had been tormented by visions and dreams of her hot, pouting mouth doing exactly what she seemed to plan to do.

But, although out of practice he knew his limits, if she took him in now he'd last seconds and that wasn't the image he was going for.

Hermione felt hands in her hair as she grasped the band of his boxers, preparing to feast her eyes on what he evidently had to offer. As he tugged her to her feet she let a moan of disappointment pass her lips and he smirked;

"All in good time love."

With that he had twisted her round till she was back against the wall again, seeking for dominance she was only too happy to relinquish to him this time. She felt his knuckles graze her sides as he slowly drew her top up over her body.

"Love this top Hermione, so hot..." he dropped kisses along her shoulders before pulling the shirt up and away, gazing at the lace underneath.

"...so hot." With that he'd lost his seeming control and ripped her bra down the middle, immediately feasting on what lay underneath. She arched underneath him, almost involuntarily, moaning his name into the still night air.

One hand crept into her hair, pulling her closer to him, something she hadn't thought possible, and another slid down to the button of her shorts, effortlessly undoing it with one hand and pulling them down, with her knickers, to the floor.

Before she knew it he was on his knees and her legs were draped across his shoulders. As her eyes rolled back at the touch of his mouth on her she knew she would struggle with this man, struggle not to want this touch every second of every day. But she could worry about that later, for now there was just him, no memories, no pain, just him and her in the hallway and as her back hit the floor and he filled her completely she let herself be overcome.

Sirius was master of the un-awkward exit, time and time again in his previous life he'd managed to escape the clutches of willing witches with smooth words and a cheeky smile. Somehow he'd managed to avoid leaving a trail of angry witches in his wake with a skill that Remus and James had wondered at.

This was different though, after they had both exploded, shuddering and clutching at each other Sirius had flopped back on to the floor drawing gasping lung fulls of air and trying to focus through 

blurry eyes. Hermione however had simply leaned over to kiss him, almost chastely, before whispering;

"That was amazing."

Then, with her t-shirt clasped to her stomach for a reason he couldn't fathom she made for what he assumed was the bathroom.

He now found himself feeling horribly awkward, naked on the hallway floor, with no idea what was expected of him. Slowly, with an almost painful effort he got to his feet, pulled on his jeans and set about exploring the apartment. She may have wanted a quick exit but this time he wouldn't be running, they had been friends first, and friends they would remain, and as far as he was concerned that involved facing any issues head on.

Hermione had been right, business was obviously good. The apartment took over the entire top floor of a large house on Chelsea Embankment, he could see the lights of Albert Bridge begin to twinkle in the evening dark and he fancied he could almost smell the cut grass from the park across the river. Not a cheap area, and not a cheap girl either by the looks of things. Her sitting room was stylishly furnished, wooden floorboards and comfortable seating, everything perfectly in its place, and all subtly hinting at a rather large price tag. It wasn't ostentatious but it was impressive. Once again he wondered at the change in her, Hermione had definitely left childish things aside and was embracing her age with both hands.

It was easy to see the child Harry used to be in the man he had become. Sirius had whiled away the past weeks with his Godson, happily playing Quidditch and discussing all the possibilities of the child expected any week now. He had been amazed at how unaffected Harry seemed. Of course there were the memories and the guilt which surfaced occasionally, the loss of the people he'd loved. But as Remus had said Harry, more than anyone, had built himself a real life among the madness. He and Luna complimented each other in a way no one would expect. He grounded her and she kept him on the light side and, Harry had confessed, she had held him through the dark nights when he thought he'd never be real again. Harry was, for once, the lucky one.

Hermione was different. Fair enough, Sirius had only been back a few minutes but he felt he'd seen enough of her to know she was irreversibly affected. The scene with Teddy a few weeks ago had been all the more special as it was so unexpected. But as he pushed open a small door and walked in to the library he found the secret room for her secret past.

The room was covered in photos, some wizarding, some muggle. Across the mantelpiece there was a panoramic photo of what he assumed was the infamous DA, he could spot some familiar faces; there was Ginny, staring up at Harry adoringly as ever, where was she now?

Ron, tall and gangly as ever and completely without guile, Sirius had always enjoyed spending time with Ron, he was what he was and that was it, he had made him laugh and he had seen how, despite the arguments, he had made Hermione happy. Ron had always been overshadowed by the other two, Harry and Hermione, the hero and the brains, but it was fair to say that Ron was the heart, and Sirius accepted without question that he would have given his life for Hermione in the blink of an eye, even back when this picture was taken.

Fred and George, or George and Fred, who really knew, stood at the back. Laughing and happy, one, he assumed it was George had his arm round a pretty dark skinned girl, was this the fiancé he'd lost? How? When?

How many of these people had made it out of the war? Certainly none could have done so untouched.

_Look at them all, so young, so brave._

He felt a lump come in his throat and fought back the memories of other's he'd known. Further along the wall was a picture of Minerva and Albus, Dumbledore's shining eyes easily caught attention but it was Minerva's laugh which caught the eye, so unusual in its carefree nature. They appeared to be in the Quidditch stands, a past time close to both their hearts. It was hard to remember sometimes, that life had carried on during these years. He thought the picture was a fitting tribute to his old Head of House. A woman who none of them could ever say they had really known, but they had seen glimpses, such as this one.

The next picture was muggle, a man and woman, no more than early forties he thought, not much older than him. Something in the woman's face and the man's eyes suggested these were Hermione's parents. They too were laughing at the camera, if he wasn't wrong they were seated on the very same terrace where Hermione, in the middle of her come down, had made breakfast for him and where, in silence, they had somehow agreed to pursue the spark they felt for each other.

Where were her parents now?

For the next ten minutes he wondered from picture to picture, all of people, mostly happy, many of the three of them, some just of Ron, all taken with love. He jumped as she cleared her throat behind him.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. This room is usually locked."

He took her meaning and slowly walked towards the door.

"I didn't mean to pry, I wasn't sure where you'd gone." He looked at her searchingly, did she regret? Was she going to kick him out? Dear Merlin please tell me she's not going to cry.

Something in her eyes as she'd gazed at the room over his shoulder showed such sadness that, for a moment he couldn't bear it and had to leave the room. As he brushed past her in the door way she seemed to shake herself out of it and, with a resounding and final sounding click, the door closed behind them.

They stood in silence for a moment before she spoke.

"Sorry, I went to take a shower, I'm not much good at the hugs and puppies bit of it."

"Puppies?"

"You know, the aftermath, holding each other and whispering sweet nothings, it's not really me. Sometimes I forget how rude it must seem, just disappearing."

"Ah, I see..." He did, or he tried to, but in truth he would have enjoyed the moments after, a chance to continue to explore her, to know her.

She had changed into jeans and a strappy top, her hair was wet and brushed back from her face and she looked every inch the young woman she was, her face virtually shone with innocence. For a moment anyway.

Moving to a cigarette packet on the side she pulled out something which looked distinctly joint shaped and made for stairs he hadn't noticed.

"There's a roof terrace, well it's all mine actually, makes this place perfect. You want to join me?"

"You smoking?"

"Yes, don't lecture me. You coming?"

"Yes."


	9. Chapter 8: The Horrors of History

**Chapter 8 The Horrors of History**

The next day he was back in Remus' house. Having recently decided to become an Auror, just like his Godson and best friend, he was, on the surface, there to talk about work. But it didn't fool Remus for a minute.

"Stop it." As two glasses emerged and a Firewhisky bottle quickly followed.

"Stop what?"

"Don't be dense Sirius, I know what you're doing. I've had a shitty day full of paperwork and the last thing I feel like doing is talking about work for an hour before you get down to why you're really here."

"Don't be a supercilious prick, I'm not one of your old students."

"Well stop being stubborn."

"I would, if you stopped being so damn sanctimonious."

For a moment Remus looked put out, then the familiar warmth trickled back into his eyes.

"Well, your vocabulary seems to have improved, Sanctimonious and supercilious in one conversation? Swallow the S section of the dictionary did you while you were away?"

Sirius growled in mock indignation; "Yep, S for Second in my year, as well you know."

Remus raised a mocking eyebrow; "Yes, just behind me as I remember it."

"Smug bastard."

"Man whore."

"Werewolf."

With a flick of his wrist Remus filled up the glasses again and raised his to eye level.

"Seeing as you had to result to the most predictable of insults I say I won that one."

With that they both downed the drinks and slammed the glasses, pausing to stare at each other for a moment.

"I've missed you mate."

"I know. I'm glad I'm back."

"So, why are you really here?" Remus had shed some of the stress of his day and was enjoying this time with Sirius, occasionally their relationship was slightly strained at the moment. It was due to a combination of factors; it almost didn't seem real, to have him back after so long, and Remus was almost reluctant to feel as happy as he did about it, so scared as he was that it would all be taken away again. Secondly there was the fact that it seemed to be his job to fill Sirius in on the past few years and there was still some way to go. Still, after it was all said and out in the open he knew they would be back to normal. It was becoming more so every day.

"I have questions."

"About Hermione?" He knew the subject would come up, Sirius had a look in his eye he recognised from a long time ago, he was intrigued and probably hooked already, and once again Remus would pick up the inevitable pieces. Because there would be pieces this time, he was sure of it.

"Among other things... There are... some gaps I guess. I know the general gist of it, how the war was won, what happened to Dumbledore, Ron etc. But there are other people, other things I need to know about."

"Well, why don't you ask me a question and we'll see where it goes from there."

Sirius had a hundred questions on the tip of his tongue but one burst through before he'd even had chance to think about it.

"Why does Hermione do a runner after sex?"

Remus chocked slightly on his whisky.

"Right, no beating around the bush then? Christ, you move quickly, you've only been back five minutes."

"Come on mate, it was her as much as me, you know her, you know that's true."

Remus reflected with a wry grin.

"I do know her."

Sirius had never really wondered if it would bother Remus and now he kicked himself.

"It doesn't bother you does it mate?" He asked anxiously. "Just say the word and I'll stop it."

_Please don't say the word, please don't say the word._

Remus chuckled good naturedly and leaned back in his chair. Sirius thought again that he looked younger than he had done all those years ago, the war may have been hard but the women had obviously been good for him.

"Well, seeing as you've already slept with her don't you think your concern is a little late?"

"Well... I... um..." Sirius really couldn't find anything to say in rebuttal, instead he settled for raising his glass, hoping Remus would toast him and it would be forgotten. The quiet clink of the glasses meeting put his mind at rest.

"Don't worry old friend, she is exceptional but I love my wife and I couldn't be happier we're back together."

Sirius noticeably relaxed as Remus continued.

"She does it for two reasons; one, she has nightmares, and two, she has scars."

Sirius frowned; "Explain."

"She has nightmares about what's happened in the past. She's worried people will hear her screaming. For a while she took dreamless sleep potion and I was allowed to stay over, but then she was worried she was taking too much of it so she stopped, she's never found a way to stop them since. It's one of the reasons I don't worry too much about the drugs, if she feels she's getting dependent on something she stops, no matter what it is, even people." Sirius didn't miss the underlying warning.

"About a year after Ron died, so just over three years ago now, just before the war ended, Ginny Weasley and Hermione were captured when they were patrolling Hogsmeade. I guess Ginny shouldn't really have been out there but she never would listen, and Hermione was always one of the most skilled of all of us..." He trailed off, lost in the past.

"Anyway, they were taken by Death Eaters and Merlin help us we couldn't find them. We searched everywhere, leaned on ever source we had, tried everything we could think of. Harry was beside himself. It was two weeks until we found them, by then Ginny was dead and Hermione was a mess."

Sirius gave a shudder, two weeks in the company of those people; god only knows what had happened to them.

"As with most things Hermione spoke about it once, and once only, she wanted to tell Harry so he could give the Weasleys some closure. Apparently Ginny didn't suffer much, they didn't really rate her as anything other than a useful tool to make Hermione talk and once they'd realised that wasn't going to happen they killed her. She wasn't alive for more than a day, she never saw what happened afterwards, which is a blessing I think... for her family."

Remus pushed his chair back suddenly, his face a cross between fury and anguish. He had always been an imposing presence in Sirius' mind, but maybe that was because he knew what a warrior his friend could be. It seemed that after he had 'died' and Dumbledore had really died Remus had been left very much in charge, and he had grown to shoulder that responsibility. He no longer looked like a strong gust of wind would blow him over; instead the strength that Sirius had always known was there for everyone to see.

"I'm sorry Sirius, this is not easy, I'm going to need more whisky." Sirius just nodded as Remus headed for the kitchen. He was gone for a lengthy amount of time considering he had just gone for whisky but Sirius correctly assumed that his friend needed some time to compose himself and figure out how to complete the story that Sirius was not sure he really wanted to hear anymore.


	10. Chapter 9: The Horros of History II

**Chapter 9 Horrors of History II**

When he returned he handed the bottle to Sirius; "If you care for her as much as I think you do you're going to want this as much as I am. Please don't interrupt me, I think I can only do this if I just get on with it." It was a request Sirius was happy to grant, as Remus carried on with the dreadful tale Sirius couldn't think of one thing to say anyway.

"When we found Hermione, it was just Harry and I who found her in the end, she was alone, in a room with seven dead Death Eaters around her and Bella's wand in her hand. She was covered in blood and I swear I've never seen anyone look so close to madness.

We found Bella dead in the corner of the room, whatever spell killed her came from a place of rage, believe me. We managed to get Hermione to safety and it was a week before she came too. This is what she told Harry;

They'd been patrolling for about three hours and it had all been quiet, Ginny had been pouring her heart out about her unrequited love for Harry and I think Hermione was becoming quite tired of it by the sounds of things. We'd gained so much ground since Ron's death, it was like it galvanised us, pushed us to draw the war to a close. I think we were almost broken with it and we were desperate to hold it together long enough to finish things.

Voldemort was down to his last faithful few, but you know as well as I that it was always the fanatics who were the most dangerous, the most powerful, and they were the ones that came for them.

Hermione tried to get Ginny to safety, tried to use the same spell that Ron had used on her but she was too slow she said, she'd blamed herself for that all these years, although I don't think anyone else did, I'm confident enough in her abilities to say that if she couldn't save her no one could. Not Harry, not me, not you.

She managed to take one Death Eater down, Gregory Goyle, I don't think you knew him he was a student at Hogwarts with the kids, miserable little toad. He'd blamed Hermione for Draco defecting, once told her that Malfoy was only after some 'mudblood pussy' and once he'd had it he'd turn his back on all of us, of course he never did, it's funny how people surprise you.

Anyway, Hermione killed him but before she could get to anyone else they had a wand to Ginny's throat. They took them to a hidden mansion, to the dungeons if you can imagine anything more clichéd. They threw Ginny in a cell and concentrated on Hermione to begin with, small cuts, light curses, they were just testing really, seeing if she was going to be easy to break. If they'd known her they wouldn't have bothered.

Although Hermione hadn't managed to hide Ginny she had managed to get one spell off, she used the Dolorsolvo to protect Ginny from pain, although it wouldn't stop them killing her. It was genius really, she knew they would try to make her talk and when she wouldn't they'd torture Ginny to make her. The spell can't be lifted by anyone other than the person that cast it so they couldn't reverse it. They tried to make Hermione do it but she wouldn't, that's when she got the scar on her arm. They used fire.

They killed Ginny pretty quickly, poor girl must have been so scared. After that it was just Hermione and them and that's when Bella turned up.

Apparently they settled into a routine, they would torture her, she would mock them and they would throw her into a pit for a few hours. This went on for a week she thinks, she tried to keep track of the days but it's hard when you can't see the sunlight. Occasionally they fed her but just enough to keep her alive.

Bella decided to use a different tack for week two, she taunted Hermione with all the people who had died, made Ron's face appear in front of her time and time again. Seamus, Minerva, Ginny, Albus, Hermione's parents; everyone who'd died. She took great pleasure in gloating about you by all accounts. She said Hermione could stop it all happening to anyone else if she talked, said it would all be her fault if she forced them to continue. She must have thought she was talking to a child, I'm not saying Hermione wasn't destroyed, she went right to the edge of madness, but she knew that anything she said would be used to hurt the people she loved, not to save them, so she kept quiet, despite what it cost her.

The quieter she got the more brutal they became. They beat her continuously, apparently there's a chance she will never have children, she lost so much blood it took months to get her right. They used the crucio on her so much she's scarred from it, god knows how she kept herself together, you saw what it did to Frank and Alice.

She's got four main scars, the one on her arm, one on her leg, which isn't so bad really, but you'll see she limps slightly in the cold. There's one on her back, it's quite horrifying and I only caught a glimpse of it once, by accident, for a second. I've never seen the worst one though, it's on her stomach. Hermione told Harry that Bella finally decided they wouldn't get anything from her. Voldemort had never graced her with his presence, if you ask me he knew how powerful she was and kept his distance, turns out he was right to, no one but her made it out of that room alive.

Bella decided they were going to kill her, around the same time we found out where she was. When we got to the house all we could hear was screaming, the first few were definitely Hermione, I'll never forget the sound; wasn't quite of this earth.

Bella carved the dark mark into her stomach, she meant it as a message for whoever found her, she used some kind of acid for it, even made a joke that the muggles had at least some decent inventions. You could still smell burning flesh in the room when we got there.

No one really knows what happened next, Hermione said one minute she was chained to the wall and praying for death and the next minute she had Bella's wand in her hand, the chains were broken and Bella was on the floor. I'm guessing that's when all hell broke loose.

Suffice to say that we were only two minutes away when we heard the first scream and by the time we got to the dungeon they were all dead. If she knows what happened she isn't telling, but I don't think she does, not consciously anyway."

He'd clearly come to the end of the story and a heavy weight of silence sat over the room.

"But I've not seen any scars." Sirius started inanely.

"You won't have, she glamours them, only Harry's seen them, and I caught a glimpse of all but the one after we'd been together one time. I think she finds it harder to control the glamour when she... um... well... loses control I guess. I'd say that's why she legged it; she always did with me if it had been particularly, um, vigorous."

Sirius let it all sink in, there were so many emotions flowing through him he found it hard to pinpoint just one. There was definitely pity, and sorrow he was devastated that his beautiful girl had been treated so cruelly, more so than anyone. When you thought about it she was the one that had suffered more than anyone; fiancé, parents, best friend, all murdered, beatings, torture, being forced to relive every bad memory, guilt, pain, scars... Underlying every emotion he had was the sharp, metallic and familiar taste of rage.

Sirius got up from the table with a start and strode out the patio doors, he needed air, but even the fresh country air of the garden couldn't help him and without warning he brought his dinner up on Remus' immaculate lawn. As he fell to his knees he felt Remus clasp his shoulder tightly, offering comfort words could not.

"That's it now Sirius, there's no more. Little things will come out in time but that's everything you _need _to know. It's over, It's over now."


	11. Chapter 10: Going Nowhere

**Chapter 10: Going Nowhere**

Over the following months Sirius and Hermione settled into a strange but consistent routine. They each had lives to live, jobs they were dedicated to and friends they adored, occasionally these friends would prove to be one and the same and as the infamous group settled at one house or another the odd couple would join together.

There wasn't really any glaring sign of their non relationship but the little hints were there for everyone to see. She would look for him when she entered a room, immediately seek him out, he would trail a hand across the back of her chair when he walked past, barely touching her but still giving her goose pimples and a fluttery feeling of need right at the core of her. Their sex life remained passionate and furious, every time he saw her he wanted her there and then and more often than not one of them dragged the other to some private space before they were forced to ravish each other in public.

He could summon, at any time, the memory of the feel of her lips against his. When he was cold and tired and staking out some god-forsaken-whole which was said to house some variety of criminal or another he only had to catch a hint in the air of something resembling her smell, and he knew he could wait here forever, as long as he could be with her in his mind.

She had opened up slightly, she still refused to talk about the past, and he didn't push her. But he knew he meant more to her then he had at the start. Occasionally he would catch a glimpse of something in her eyes before she remembered herself and closed it off.

He still felt her distance from him every time she rolled away from him after they were together, and every time she closed the door in his face claiming she needed some time alone. As she had emphatically said time and time again;

"_This is not a relationship Sirius, you don't have any claim on my time, just let me breath a bit won't you."_

In truth it was starting to worry him. That's not to say he hadn't been worried from the start, there was no doubt that he'd felt his feelings grow at lightning speed and he had worried that he would show himself too soon. But deep down he'd had no doubt that they were perfect together, that she would wake up and see the truth of it soon enough, that he would be able to penetrate where others had failed.

On the occasional evening where he had not ended up staring at her solid oak door she had almost seemed to allow him in. Her job, although her main focus, often left her stressed and drained. She had allowed him from time to time to bring her dinner and gently rub the stress from her shoulders.

"_Your hands are perfect Sirius, honestly, where did you learn that? I could get used to it."_

And his heart had leapt a little each time. But the next day the door would be closed again and she would whisper, with dilated eyes;

"_Let's calm things down for a little while hey?" _Before retreating to whatever crutch she was using that night.

And now he really was worried, because he was beginning to doubt his ability to break through. Of course it didn't help that everyone around him was treating the subject with kid gloves, seemingly waiting for it to crash and burn. Harry had only spoken about it once and Sirius, expecting a lecture on the morals of his pursuit of Harry's best friend, had been surprised at the direction the conversation had taken.

They'd been celebrating the Cannons unusual win in a local bar when an old friend of Harry and Hermione's had joined them; Dean Thomas was lean and young and handsome and Sirius had all but growled at his familiar ease with Hermione. They had laughed and danced like old friends do but Sirius couldn't help the tightening of his chest every time he saw Dean brush a casual hand across her arm, or give her a cheeky wink. He would undoubtedly have done something foolish and embarrassing if Harry had not dragged him to a quieter corner of the bar.

"_Sirius, you really need to chill. There's nothing there. Besides, even if there was Hermione's not the kind of girl to flaunt it in front of you."_

_If Harry was trying to put his mind at rest he wasn't helping._

"_Not in front of my face? How about when I'm not around?"_

_Harry realised he had stepped into dangerous ground and tried to back away with grace but Sirius' forceful hand on his arm had stopped him in his tracks._

"_No, there hasn't been anyone since you as far as I know, I guess you're monogamous in whatever the hell it is you're doing. But that's not to say... well... you know..."_

"_Harry spit it out whatever it is, I'm a grown man, I can take it."_

_Harry had looked at him with something verging on pity in his eyes._

"_That's just it Sirius, I'm not sure you can take it. I've spoken to Remus, we know how you feel about her. It's not going to end well, believe me, people have tried. You should be ready. And you should know that we'll all be here."_

But he wasn't ready, and when she'd grabbed his hand and whispered in his ear;

"_Sirius Black, I believe you owe me a strip poker re-match and I'm here to collect."_

And dragged him from the bar his pathetic heart had jumped at the chance that this was another sign that it was really him she wanted to be with. Christ, what more could he do, they laughed, they talked, they had mind blowing sex, he knew what she was thinking almost before she did and yet he 

knew they weren't close enough. Their friendship was occasional at best and their 'relationship' was chaos. They were going nowhere and he knew one day they would arrive.


	12. Chapter 11: Truth

_I'm a total review whore, so thankyou very very much! Keep them coming..._

**Chapter 11 Truth**

Sometime late March, seven months after he had come 'back to life', six and a half months after he and Hermione had started whatever it was that they were doing, 17 hours since he had seen her last, Remus and Harry had delivered him a devastating blow.

"_Sirius, I'm sorry, I know I said there was nothing left, I really don't know how I over looked something so important..." _

_Remus had looked particularly uncomfortable and Sirius' gut clenched with force in anticipation of whatever new horror he was about to hear about. Harry had taken a deep breath and started;_

"_It's about Regulus."_

Hermione knew they'd been planning to tell him about his younger brothers troubled ending, about his efforts to move over towards the light side, or at least stick a spanner in the works of the dark. But she hadn't expected him to take the news so hard. He seemed to blame himself for not recognising Regulus' desperation, for not being the older brother he thought he should have been.

No matter how she tried to remind him that his family had turned him away, that he'd run from all of them including his brother he seemed to be stuck in a cycle of blame. Familiar with the emotion she'd done all she could think of and had held him close to her, murmuring words of comfort. Although some may think her cold she really cared for this man, he had become such an important part of life, even if she would tell herself again and again that it wasn't love. And now he was crushed in front of her and when her attempts to comfort him had failed she had straddled him and rode him till morning, always aware that although he made all the right noises, and said all the right things, he wasn't quite with her.

The next night was the Christening party of little James. Luna had sailed through labour, as expected, and had settled just as well into motherhood. Harry however was not fairing quite so well. He was terrified of hurting the baby, or of someone else hurting the baby or holding him the wrong way, being too loud, being too rough, being too gentle, he felt everything he did was wrong and Luna was becoming exasperated. It had come to a head one day in the living room and as Sirius and Remus had tried to blend into the wallpaper she had raised her voice in a most un-Luna like way.

"Merlin's-fucking-balls Harry, will you just snap out of it? This is James, he is your baby, he is your son and you won't hurt him, you'll love him and protect him and he'll love you back. You're going to have to trust yourself. But first you're going to have to get a fucking grip on yourself. I ban you from coming home tonight. You're going to stay out at the party, drink yourself silly, throw up in the garden and sleep in Remus' spare room. And when you come back you will be refreshed and back to your usual self or so help me I will hex you into next week."

With that she stormed from the room and Harry turned sheepishly to the two men who had not yet managed to merge with the walls.

"I think I've upset her."

Sirius had merely twitched an eyebrow while Remus had chuckled;

"You think? Come on, get ready for the party, I'll get Dora to make up the spare room."

That night, as he stared into the fire, uninterested in Harry and Remus' nearby conversation he couldn't help but focus on his failings, he'd failed Lilly and James, had failed Harry for almost all of his young life, and last but not least it turned out he'd failed his little brother as well. A boy who had once looked at him like he'd had the answer to all the questions of the world, and who he had wanted to protect more than anything. Right up until he went to Hogwarts, when he had written Regulus off with the rest of his family, good versus evil, light versus dark. He should have known it was never that simple.

He'd hardly allowed her to get through the door before slamming her back up against it, one hand roughly grasping at her hair, _what is it with my hair? _She thought irrationally. The other hand grabbed her hip, hard, she was sure there would be a bruise tomorrow.

_She'd known what she was doing, known how her seemingly intimate chat with Draco at the Christening party would wind him up, but in truth he'd seemed so flat and defeated after they'd told him the truth about Regulus' final days, and she wanted some of the fire back. Draco had known as well, hadn't he always understood more than they had given him credit for?_

"_Trying to stir up a little trouble Granger?" He'd whispered in her ear, surprising her. He'd never quite got into the habit of using her first name, but these days Granger was spoken more like an affectionate nick name then a curse word._

"_Huh?" Not up to her normal repartee she'd wager but she'd caught sight of a glower from across the room and had felt a tingle of anticipation._

_Draco smiled down at her, kindly really, he'd lost most of his rough edges after the incident with Dumbledore, that had been the point at which he'd finally made a decision for himself, and who'd have thought it, he'd made the right one._

"_Well, not that I want to dredge up old memories, but you haven't been this close to me in, oh, about two years I'd say."_

_She smiled and blushed; "I thought we'd agreed not to talk about that." Two years ago, after firewhisky and memories they had found themselves up against the wall in a large cupboard in one of the many corridors of Hogwarts where he was potions teacher. Few words had been exchanged but Hermione could remember the feel of the wall on her back and the clean, crisp smell of his neck as _

_she bit down on it. Afterwards he had attempted to get close, and she hoped she had let him down gently, but she still wondered now and then when she caught a look from the corner of his eye. They hadn't spoken of it since and he had surprised her by bringing it up._

"_No you agreed, and now you're breaking the rules so I am too." Once again she'd lost her train of thought and couldn't quite understand him. He saw her bewildered look and chuckled;_

"_Come on Granger, you're using our brief, hot past to make him jealous, I don't know why, and I don't want to know, but if he hexes me you will seriously owe me!"_

_She smiled finally; "he doesn't know Draco, nor do I think it would be advisable to tell him, me just talking to someone good looking is enough, you know, I used to think I'd find that kind of jealousy stifling, but he keeps it private, never causes a scene, and it certainly has its benefits."_

_Draco grimaced slightly; "well, as much as I'd love to hear those lurid tales," he said sarcastically, "I'm off, I now have a woman who doesn't just want to ruthlessly shag my brains out in a cupboard and then ignore the fact that it ever happened, and she is probably in the same kind of mood as your overgrown puppy, so, as I don't want to be turned into a toad I'm off to make amends. I'll leave you to your new man, by the way, I'm surprised at you, thought you weren't one to be tied down" He started to move away from her, missing her brief flash of irritation, tied down, who was tied down? This wasn't serious, it was casual, casual and fun, just like Remus, serving a need, no, no not tied down, honestly, what a ridiculous notion. _

_Draco turned back to her, with a wicked glint in his eye, some things did not change after all;_

"_Oh, Granger, if your plan hadn't worked before I'm pretty sure this will do the trick." With that he leant forward and took her hand, slowly bringing it to his lips, eyes roaming shamelessly up her body, as his lips lightly grazed the back of her hand Hermione remembered what had led her into that cupboard in the first place. As he pulled away she smiled._

"_Thanks Draco, you really do have your uses."_

"_Always willing to be used by you Granger, enjoy the rest of your night, I'm sure you will." He finished with a smirk._

_Seconds later she'd felt a strong grip on her arm and a deep, dark voice in her ear._

"_We're leaving."_

And now here she was, back against the door, with a very angry man staring into her eyes, and for a moment she wondered if she'd gone too far this time.

"Have you fucked him?" She brought her hands up to his chest to push him away, but she couldn't shift him an inch and he merely pushed closer to her, hand in her hair pulling just a little bit harder, but not enough to hurt, yet.

"Have you fucked him?" He almost growled this time and she knew she wasn't getting out of this.

Lips grazed up her neck, making her legs go to jelly as he knew it would, and she wasn't surprised when the kiss turned into a bite and another growl in her ear.

"Tell me Hermione, tell me the truth, I saw the way he looked at you, saw his eyes on your body." With these words the hand on her hip moved between her legs to briefly brush up against her before travelling back outside her dress and across her stomach, as if mapping out the route Draco's eyes had taken, he finished by cupping her breast and running his thumb over her nipple through the thin summer fabric, making her squirm.

"Did. You. Fuck. Him?"

"YES!" She blurted as his teeth grazed her neck again, "yes I did, I have, happy now?"

He pulled back again to look at her and she simply ceased to breathe as his eyes met hers, they were stormy grey, and deep, and blazing and she swore if he'd chosen to he could have melted her into a puddle on the floor with just the power of his eyes.

"Happy Hermione? Hardly..." He broke off and ran his hand down her face, thumb rubbing over her lips none too gently. He brought his lips down on hers, surprisingly soft, but she didn't relax, she knew what was coming.

He broke off the kiss and said matter of factly; "looks like I'll have to remind you."

"Remind me what." He moved in for another kiss and this time he caught her lower lip between his teeth and tugged.

"That you're mine."

_Oh god, oh god, those words. _She'd never heard them from him before.She knew it was wrong, to be so turned on by his possessiveness, to be treated like property went against everything she believed in. But when it came down to it Sirius didn't think of her as property, he didn't think of her as arm candy, someone to drape across him looking pretty, he respected her, her mind, her job, her independence. He simply meant that this, these kisses, her body against him, her pants and sighs and moans, they were for him, and him only and he would not stand for anyone who looked like they wanted to encroach on his territory. And as his tongue swept across her upper lip she remembered again why she didn't care what was right or wrong, this just was, it was irrefutable, he had never been so possessive, so focused on her, and she had never been so turned on.

He caught her hands in one of his and brought them up above her head, pinning them to the door;

"Open your legs little girl." As she obeyed without question and his fingers began to press against her she honestly thought she would pass out from pleasure, just one touch, one little touch and a few choice words and he could do more to her then anyone before had even come close to managing.

He muttered a few words and moved his other hand down to rip open her top and bra, leaving her bare against the air and his lips, once again she thanked the gods for his disregard for her clothes, she couldn't have waited to feel those lips on her.

"Did he do this?" _Ah, _she thought, _back to Draco, that wasn't going to go away. _She tried to bring her hands down to his face, wanted to pull him up to eye level before she made her vow that the only people who mattered were the two in the room right now, but as her hands stubbornly refused to budge she realised what the muttered words had been, and that now she was stuck against the door with magic, and no matter what he did no twisting or struggling would set her free. _This was new._ For a brief moment a jolt of fear shot through her and she gasped. A memory of an altogether different binding flitted across her mind.

His head shot up immediately at her gasp of fear and he saw her hands struggling to break free, for a second concern shone through his eyes, then he seemed to realise that it wasn't just fear in her eyes, it was lust as well, serious, heavy, drenching lust, and he smirked as he whispered.

"Relax Hermione, you know I'm not going to hurt you don't you?"

"Yes." She whispered, then flinched as she felt her knickers ripped off and one finger briefly press into her.

"But I am going to make you scream."

She had no idea how much time had passed, that her fingers were starting to go numb from lack of blood as a consequence of being pinned above her head or that she probably had bite marks down her body from his rough but mind blowing attentions. All she was conscious of, all she knew was that one leg was now draped across his shoulder and his oh so talented mouth was nipping at the soft skin of her inner thighs, but every time he drew close to where she really wanted him, where his breath was passing over her like a caress, he would pull away, would start on her damned thighs again, kissing, nipping, licking, almost reverently worshiping her skin and she heard the odd whispered word as it carried up to her.

"So soft... beautiful... wench... mine."

For a moment she felt uncomfortable, they had an agreement, exclusive yes, but casual, he knew she wasn't capable of anything else, and lord knows this was Sirius Black, not the committed type, but his words and his touch spoke dangerously of feelings, _of love_, an emotion she had long since consigned to her past in any kind of romantic way. A brief urge to flee tugged at her, but she was still pinned to the door, and as if sensing her pause he chose this moment to finally reach his goal, as his tongue touched her she almost saw stars, he'd teased and driven her higher and higher, into peaks and wails of anticipation, he knew exactly how to play her, after such a short time. She shouldn't have been surprised, after all, wasn't he a master at anything he did?

She could almost feel his smug smile against her as she panted and moaned his name, beseeching him to get on with it, _finish this before I explode, please._

"Was it like this with him?" _Oh god, again? Still? We still haven't moved past this? _Her brain wanted to make a cutting comment, remark on his ability to hold a grudge, swear at him to get on with it and stop torturing her, but out of nowhere her libido, and maybe something else, spoke for her, uttering the ultimate words of betrayal;

"No, no... please... not with anyone, never with anyone... only you, only you...always... please." _What the fuck? _Her mind had a brief moment to wonder where the hell that had come from before conscious thought left her again. Apparently those words had done the trick and Sirius stood up, tugging both legs around his waist and thrust into her without ceremony.

And scream she did.


	13. Chapter 12: Welcome Back Miss Granger

**Chapter 12 Welcome Back Miss Granger**

Once again she found herself on her hallway floor and for a moment she allowed herself a brief smile; they were like teenagers with so little restraint. But then the events of the past few minutes began to flood back.

Merlin what had she been thinking, she'd said things, acted in such a way, _always? ALWAYS? _What the hell had she meant by that? What treacherous thoughts had her libido led her to? He had been so possessive, so focused on her, so demanding, he had never been like that. Sure, she knew he was jealous sometimes, in truth she liked to feel that this beautiful man only had eyes for her even if it didn't fit with the rules of their relationship. That was the problem really, the past few days had begun to feel increasingly like the beginning of something more serious.

His pain at his brother's tragedy, her attempts to soothe away the grief, his jealousy of Malfoy, even Draco's playful mocking that she was tied down. And the way Sirius had devoured her against the door, like it was the last time. She'd expected to see something in his eyes when he heard her say always, but she hadn't expected it to be hurt. He'd looked positively heartbroken and for a moment she had longed to take him in her arms and kiss the hurt away, promise him forever, promise him she'd try.

But there was no point in trying; there was nothing left for her to give. Suddenly his arm across her stomach felt like a lead weight. Without knowing he had placed his hand exactly on the spot where she was forever branded, and as she looked down she could see the tell tale creep of the twisted skin which marked the outline of her history. In a split-second she moved from mild claustrophobia to outright panic.

"Move." She pushed at him, quickly turning it into a shove when he didn't release her.

"MOVE." In a second she had acciod her clothes and tried her best to wrap her torn dress around her. Looking anywhere to avoid his gaze.

"I'm sorry Sirius, I can't do this."

Before he could open his mouth to speak she was gone.

_Just fucking great. _Sirius heaved himself to his feet again. _I hate this fucking hallway. _Every time he ended up here on the floor, naked, confused and alone. This time she had actually apparated from her own home in her efforts to avoid him. He wracked his brains for where she could have gone. If this was it, this was the end; he wasn't going down without a fight.

So it was just a few minutes later that he found himself at Remus' door, with a crumpled, dressing-gowned and distinctly pissed off looking Remus frowning at him.

"She's in the garden mate, doesn't look happy. If I were you I'd leave well alone."

Sirius had allowed himself one wry grin.

"But that's just it mate, you're not me."

"No, thank Merlin, I couldn't keep up. Keep it down though, Teddy's asleep and Harry's been sick on the carpet three times, Dora is not best pleased."

As Sirius made his way to the back of the house he almost laughed at himself. He was jealous of Remus, really truly jealous for the very first time. He had a house that smelt of vomit and an angry wife and yet to Sirius he was the luckiest man on earth because that angry wife was the woman he loved, and their child, born of love, was asleep upstairs. And here was he, traipsing round the back of the house in the bitter night air to have his heart broken.

She'd known he would come. Had even sat under their usual tree in anticipation of his arrival, just to speed up the process, make it easier for him to find her. It wasn't that she wanted this to end; it was that it had to. He was becoming too attached, and she had been so sure he wouldn't. She had laughed at the thought of the infamous Sirius Black falling for her, and she had been so sure as well that her own carefully guarded solitude was not in jeopardy. Sirius Black was a player, she'd heard the gossip, the rumours, and had treasured them. Here was a man after her own heart, a man who knew how to play the game without getting close. She had kicked herself one night as Remus had carefully broken through every myth to reveal Sirius as almost a romantic at heart.

"_You shouldn't listen to gossip Hermione, you know that, it's rarely ever true. Sirius has an image, yes, but it's hardly deserved. If anything I was more a player than him. He will fall for you Hermione, and when he does he'll fall hard. Do you really want to risk that?"_

But she'd brushed it off, secure in the knowledge that she'd made herself clear. Safe in her own little bubble. And this was where it had brought her, he would be furious, she knew, and she steeled herself for it.

The breeze moved over her and brushed her hair to the side as he walked towards her, and his breath caught in his throat. He'd never really believed that happened, when he'd snuck a peak at Lilly's ridiculous romance novels he'd written the whole 'catching breath' thing off as fanciful imaginings. But it had happened to him more than once since he'd met this new, older Hermione Granger, and after this evening he knew why. He loved her.

"Hermione?" He said gently, trying not to scare her away. His emotions were a little on the touchy side this evening and he knew he was capable of snapping if things went the wrong way. Half an hour ago he was buried inside her, as close to feeling at home as he'd ever been. Since then she'd done a runner and, it appeared, wanted nothing else to do with him. Rejection had never sat well with him and his temper was all too capable of making a mess of this.

"Please go away Sirius, I'm sorry I left like that, but I mean it, I can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

"This, us..." she gestured between them, her expression looking a little lost, and a little helpless, and unexpectedly bringing a lump to his throat "...together."

_Why on earth not? We're great together._

"Why on earth not? We're great together."

She snorted, not a noise he would have believed could come from her.

"No Sirius, we're not, we're too much, too full on, that's not for me, you knew that."

"Knew what?"

"Knew that it was just fun, but you're too much."

"Too much what Hermione? Too much sex? Too much fun? Too much what?"

"I know you have feelings for me, I heard it tonight, in your words, I felt it."

_Well, she certainly didn't lack confidence. _

For a second he paused, should he deny it, bring her back that way? Pretend everything was just as she wanted it? He started to open his mouth to say the words, then stopped, anger quickly taking over.

"Who the hell do you think you are? You think you know how I feel? You don't know anything about me."

The atmosphere changed just like that and her back went rigid at his change of tone, she stood up to face him, game face on.

_So this is how it's going to be, _he thought, _fighting, this is how it's going to end. Well it was fitting, after all, wasn't that what they'd done in the past, always, fight?_

"I know what I felt, and don't you dare raise your voice at me." She'd taken a step towards him and jabbed at his chest, trying to move back before he could catch her arm in his grip, but she was too slow.

"And what did you feel little girl? Tell me."

"Stop calling me that."

"Didn't seem to bother you earlier." He replied with a smug smile, "quite the opposite as I remember it."

That did it, she wrenched her arm from his and took a step back. Eyes ablaze with fury, looking for all intents and purposes, exactly like she had as an angry 15 year old angry with him for something or 

other. _Ah, Miss Granger, how nice to see you again, it's been a while. _He carried on taunting, knowing he was playing with fire.

"As I recall the words 'little girl' made you spread your legs so quickly I'm surprised you didn't pull something."

For a moment he thought she'd take a swing at him. But instead she seemed to choke on her words for a moment before finally breaking free;

"Why you smug, self-satisfied bastard. How dare you..."

He cut her off in mid flow again;

"Don't take the moral high ground with me Miss Granger, you were begging for it and now you don't want to hear it do you? You know Remus was wrong. You haven't changed, all that's different is that you have a rack and a sex drive. You're still the same stuck up, self righteous girl you always were. Blind to everything around you if it doesn't fit in with your image of the way things should be. And you know what? You're right, I did feel something, though heaven help me at this point I really can't remember why."

With that he turned and stormed away.

Remus met him at the door and stood aside wordlessly.

"I'm assuming you heard?"

Remus nodded, no judgement in his eyes, and Sirius relaxed just a little as he crossed into the kitchen.

"Well, I don't know about you but I think it went quite well, used that old Black charm, kept my cool, got my point across, I'm pretty sure she'll be running into my arms any minute now..." With a wry grin he slumped down on to the nearest chair. "Where's the whisky."

Still without words Remus brought his hands from behind his back, two glasses in one and a bottle in the other. Sirius just sat there for a moment, once again surprised at just how well his friend knew him. Then the reality of the last five minute struck him.

"Bollocks."


	14. Chapter 13: Where are my pants?

**Chapter 13 Where are my Pants?**

It was a month before she showed up at his door, and he'd had a busy time. Work had given him purpose and he was enjoying the adult responsibilities of a steady job that he had never experienced before. Harry's little boy James was a constant delight, especially as he could hand the baby back whenever he looked like the screaming was about to start! He'd made the decision to leave his family home, it really was no place for him to move on, so haunted by all the ghosts of the years. He'd found an apartment round the corner from Diagon Ally, smartly furnished, with high ceilings and large windows, it was every inch the perfect pad.

In truth it was going well, he knew Hermione was in town, he'd thought about going to see her but they hadn't spoken since their confrontation on the lawn and he wasn't entirely sure of his welcome. OK, so she didn't want to love him, or maybe she didn't love him, who knew, either way it clearly wasn't going to work out, maybe they could be friends. It would take time, and it would hurt, but it could happen.

That evening though, as he opened the door to find her on his doorstep, he knew he was a fool, they would never be friends. She was stunning; her fitted white shirt was belted at the waist and her pencil skirt ended at the knee leading to stocking encased legs and killer heels. He'd always been a sucker for the sexy businesswoman look and she pulled it off with ease.

Whatever they were, he realised, they would never be friends, he would never be able to be in the same room as this woman without thinking about fucking her, and that didn't make for a healthy friendship.

"Hermione, this is a surprise, anything I can do for you or were you trawling the streets and simply hit the wrong doorbell?" He couldn't keep the slight bite out of his voice, her arrival had thrown him and he didn't like uncertainty.

"Shut up Sirius, I have an itch." He frowned;

"So?"

"So I think you can help me with it."

With that she took a step through the door and brought his head down to hers, as her foot kicked the door shut behind her and he felt himself pressed against the wall he mentally shook his head, _no, definitely not friends._

She tugged his jacket down his arms, all the while nipping at his throat, his lips, any part of him she could reach and he felt that familiar fire rising and burning. Before he knew he'd done it he'd spun her round and crashed her back against the wall, hoisting her legs round his waist and kissing her with a month's pent up lust. She whimpered as he placed heated kisses against her neck and the noise went straight to his groin. Without hesitation he carried her up the stairs, shedding items of clothing as they went and by the time he threw her onto his bed they were both topless and panting with need.

"So," she said with a smirk, "it's been a while, sure you still remember what I like?"

He almost laughed at that, remember what she liked? He'd thought of nothing but for the last month. As he kneeled down in front of her and slowly crept his fingers up the inside of her thigh to the top of her stocking, before peeling it down her leg, trailing kisses as he went, he saw her twitch and heard the moan she tried to bite back. He met her smirk with one of his own and as her panties followed her stockings and he slowly moved towards her centre he gave his answer;

"Oh, I think I'll do just fine my dear."

When he woke up she was gone, he shouldn't have been surprised, not even a note, but she had left her knickers, and he didn't begin to understand what she meant by that.

She'd not intended it. It had been a gruelling day at work and as she'd come up against one pompous arrogant jackass after another she had begun to feel her temper spiral out of control. She needed release, she needed something, and as she marched through the streets of London and caught sight of a familiar black head of hair she knew exactly what she needed. For once she stopped the voices of reason inside and decided to take what she wanted. It hadn't been hard to find out where his new flat was, Remus and coughed up his address with a frown and she had vanished before he'd had chance to question her motives.

As soon as he opened the door she knew she'd made a mistake, his hair was wet and tussled, like he'd just got out of the shower, and he still smelt like the sea, what had she been thinking, all the strange little flutters inside that she had managed to suppress for the last month had jumped right back into action. His eyes had widened for a moment at the sight of her and she felt herself once again floored by his beauty, how was it that this man wanted her?

Mind you, maybe he didn't, she hadn't heard from him, he'd made no effort to contact her, maybe what she had just imagined any feelings for her, although standing here she wasn't entirely sure there weren't feelings involved somewhere, but they were hers, not his. Either way, as she saw his eyes flicker over her she knew there was definitely lust involved, and she told herself that was all she really wanted.

He had ravaged her, in every way possible and as she looked down at his sleeping form she questioned again if she had made the right decision, bringing this back into their lives. But he was a grown man, he could make his own decisions, and she could keep control of herself. They'd made a mistake last time, had spent too much time together, made it seem too much like a relationship, and it wasn't. It categorically was not. It was sex, and this time she would make sure it stayed that way, no need for emotions to be involved.

It was only as she flooed back home she realised she had left her underwear in his bedroom, god only knows what he would make of that.


	15. Chapter 14: Unravelling

**Chapter 14 Unravelling**

Hermione always had a plan, and ok, maybe last time it hadn't worked out quite like she'd wanted, and maybe this time it was proving harder than she thought. The no strings sex wasn't a problem, he was magnificent, strong and shining and he took her repeatedly to heights she'd never dreamed of, and afterwards when she left, he made no complaint, although if she had to be really honest with herself she thought that maybe the light in his eyes dimmed a little more every time she moved away from him to collect her scattered clothing.

No, the problem was their damned incestuous little circle of friends. It seemed like barely a week went by without a dinner invitation, or drinks, or quidditch, or a damned walk in the park. And he was there, always, being the man she refused to see when they were naked and reaching for each other.

Out here in the real world he wasn't forceful and occasionally verging on rough. Out here he was Remus' best friend, gently teasing him and building a relationship with his wife, his own cousin, painstakingly mending a fractured family. Out here he was Harry's godfather and his rock as he tried to learn the art of being a father. He was a shoulder to lean on when Luna became frustrated with his overprotective nature and sent him to Sirius' to cool off. He was an uncle to James and looked so right with a baby in his arms that sometimes it made her heart ache for the years he missed out on.

He was a man who took his job as seriously as he did his second, or third, chance at life. He was all things to all people, all people but her. He barely spoke to her outside the confines of their trysts. He avoided her eyes and shirked any form of physical contact except for a brief and chaste kiss hello or goodbye. The others didn't pretend to understand them, but after a few gentle questions they realised they would receive no answers, and left them be.

He'd withdrawn the comforting arms which had sometimes held her, or the quiet chats in the midnight hours. Gone was the easy friendship, now there time together felt more like a battle for control. The sex remained incredible, but the intimacy, the intimacy she'd never wanted was lacking. She had just what she wanted, casual, no strings sex, but it was all too clear what the price was, and her victory tasted like ash.

She'd known as she left that night that the rules had changed. It had been her tracking him down, she was the one who'd thrown herself at him. That time she'd stayed while he fell asleep, telling herself that it didn't mean anything did it? Because it wasn't like _she _was falling asleep, wasn't like _she _was opening up, wasn't like _she _felt something.

But she had a horrible suspicion that he wouldn't believe that, that he would have taken her clasping hands and desperate kisses as a sign of something else, something deeper. That he would assume she was someone who didn't know herself, didn't know her own mind.

But she did, she knew her own mind better than anyone, after all it was where she lived most of the time. During the day, and often at night, she was tough and strong. Her job demanded it; Hermione was the last resort for those who had lost someone, or some thing, she was the port of call for 

problems that needed fixing, she found solutions, she found people, she found whatever needed to be found and she was the best.

But when she was alone, when there was nothing to find and no Sirius to touch the thoughts away she lived in her memories. She lived in happier times, when her and Ron had watched the sun come up, even when they'd argued, they both knew their anger wouldn't last and the make up was half the fun.

And now there was someone else tiptoeing through her thoughts. Someone tall and dark, and once steadfast in his attentions. The argument in the Lupin's garden had been a short, sharp end to things between them. In the days and weeks afterward she had told herself repeatedly that it had been the right decision, a necessary evil, for the good of both of them.

But it had been a month, a month without a word from him, he'd done exactly what she'd asked and left her alone and now she found it hadn't been what she wanted after all. But what you wanted wasn't always right.

One of the things she'd most enjoyed about Sirius was his sheer manliness; there was nothing of the boy about him. He was strong and proud and determined and now she was suffering the effects. She'd not wanted love, and now she didn't have it. If only they could have kept the comfortable friendship of before, she missed it, she'd admit it freely, to herself anyway. But apparently it was one thing or another, and the one thing he'd wanted was the one thing she wouldn't... couldn't... give.


	16. Chapter 15: Inevitable

**Chapter 15 Inevitable**

He knew the day would come; he'd been waiting for a while. One day he would snap, and as it turned out, today would be that day.

It started like any other, he woke up, Hermione wasn't there but that was unsurprising as she hadn't turned up last night, or the one before, his was not to question why so he accepted it, as he did all her other rules. He wondered though, as his arm felt the cold sheets on the other side of the bed, when he would stop reaching out to her in the mornings, even though he knew she would never be there.

Up, showered, dressed and at work he listened to the morning ritual of assignment distribution.

"Black, you're on protection duty today, the Minister has some meetings on contentious issues and we would feel more comfortable if he had someone watching his back."

So a boring day had passed, and then he'd stepped into the final meeting with a sigh of relief, not knowing this would be the day that changed everything.

As soon as he'd caught sight of Hermione he'd questioned his ability to do his job while she was in the room. The meeting was on a subject close to both his and Hermione's hearts, werewolf rights, and she had been brought in as an outsider to advise on the issues. As the attendees had argued back and forth he'd succeeded in keeping his mind on the job. Eventually though a sentence flowed across the air towards him;

"We all know that you have taken, lets say, a very _personal _interest in the rights of werewolves Miss Granger, but don't you think you're taking this too far?" The ministry official had smirked at her, clearly pleased with his insinuations and Sirius had nearly laughed out loud. Poor misguided fool, didn't he realise she would destroy him?

And she did, without a raised voice, a wand or a rude word she tore him to pieces, his research, his findings, every single one of his points and beliefs lay scattered around him by the end of her speech and with nothing further to add she had gathered her files, confident in her success, and walked from the room.

Once upon a time Sirius would have struggled not to follow her, but, like every other man in the room he stayed glued to his seat in shock. His reasons were unique in the room however, at that moment, in that hot and slightly rancid room he realised without a shadow of a doubt that it would have to be all or nothing, no half measures, not anymore.

There would be no more waking up in the morning with only the smell of her still lingering, no more ignoring her outside his bedroom, no more pretending not to love her. He did, and she would hear it this time, and if she didn't want to know, well, he preferred not to think about that right now. He'd been too grateful to have her back in his life, he had allowed her to dictate the terms and as of now the real Sirius Black wanted his say.

In hindsight, Hermione thought as she laid into the punching bag in front of her, he really hadn't picked the best day to show up and start laying down ultimatums and throwing out accusations. She had already been enraged when he knocked at her door, and unusual though it was for him to visit her uninvited she had been relieved to see him. _The ideal way to work out this tension._

But as she reached for him, hands cupping his face, bringing him closer towards her for that first kiss of the evening which always set them both aflame, he had seemed to shudder. She moved on unflinchingly, nothing was going to stop her having this man, she wanted him, Merlin she _needed _him, he was the only thing these days that could chase away her anger.

He'd tried to put up a fight and she'd pushed her questions to the back of her mind, she didn't want to know why, there was time enough for words later, right now there was only time for this, for him, for them.

And he'd submitted, like he'd known he would. With every thrust and every touch he;d tried desperately to commit her sounds, her smell, all of her to memory because somewhere in the back of his mind was a little voice telling him this would be the last time.

And as he'd felt her tense and quiver around him he'd sought out her eyes, wanting so much for her to see the truth in her eyes, to break through her barrier, to make her realise what they were together, how they could be. But he knew she wouldn't.

"_What is it Sirius? Don't play hard to get, I'm not in the mood." With that she had taken a step back towards him. This time when he pushed her back it was more like a shove and her eyes had been bewildered as she questioned him._

"_Ow, what the hell? What's going on?"_

_He'd turned from her and walked to the kitchen, hand groping for the firewhisky on the top shelf, it was unopened and dusty, unusual for a bottle in Hermione's flat, he could only assume she had forgotten about it._

"_I have some things to say Hermione, and I need for you not to be standing next to me as I say them, I can't concentrate when you're around." _

_She had missed his point entirely;_

"_I know, that's the beauty of it, you help me forget the day, what's to say about it? Come to me." She held out her hand but he ignored it as he walked past her back to the living room. He really did seem to be keeping as much space as possible between them and in truth it was beginning to concern her. Normally by this stage he would have a hand between her legs, or she'd be on her knees in front of him and neither one of them would be able to concentrate on anything at all apart from the need they had. This Sirius, the one that shied away from her touch, was more like the day time one, the one that always made her feel like something was missing._

"_I make you lose your concentration?" His words brought her back to earth and she frowned;_

"_Of course you do, you know that."_

"_And what do you think that means?" Hermione was baffled, it might have been fair to say that she was the brightest witch of her age but at this point she had no idea where this conversation was going._

"_Mean? It doesn't mean anything, the sex is great, you're hot, my job is stressful, you help me relax. That's what it means, the same as I do for you."_

"_Is that really all there is to it for you?" He looked at her now and there it was, the dawning of realisation across her face and he knew it would be like pressing an alarm bell, the shutters would come crashing down._

"_Sirius, don't go down this road again." Please, please don't she thought. It's been three months, it's been going so well, apart from that whole incredibly awkward around each other outside of the bedroom thing, but they would work on that, friendship would come with time. "We're friends with benefits Sirius, it's working, don't ruin it."_

"_Don't ruin what Hermione? Our wonderful friendship? The one where we don't speak to each other, where I learn about you, about your life through listening to your conversations with other people? The one where you ask Harry how my job is going rather than me? That friendship Hermione? Because I have to say, that's not really working for me."_

"_Sirius, it's just awkward, we haven't really found our place with each other yet, give it time, it will come in time." She pleaded, this evening was not going the way she planned and try as she might she couldn't find a way out of this conversation without running, and she very much doubted he would stand for that again._

"_That's just it Hermione, I've found my place with you, it's by your side, if I had my ay it would always be by your side. You think because we don't speak to each other outside of these rooms I don't know you? I listen, and I watch, even if you don't realise, and I see who you are, and I love you."_

_There it was, forbidden words out in the open for all to see, and for a moment she couldn't breathe. Glancing around wildly for an escape route she closed her eyes as he grasped her arm._

"_Oh no you don't, you're not running off again, you're going to finish this conversation with me one way or another."_

_There was such a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions going through her mind she couldn't begin to make sense of them. He was standing so close to her again and all she wanted was to throw him _

_down and keep him with her through the night, some part of her almost yearned for the muttered words of love she had heard from him once before in the throws of passion, to let herself respond in kind. _

_But it wasn't love, not for her, it was passion for sure, and she liked him, admired him, she watched and listened as well and she saw the man he was. And what a man, what a soul, if she had felt herself capable of love she would have said she could love this man, it would be no hardship at all. But she wasn't, she was stupid and confused._

_She leaned towards him, felt his hand come up to cup her face and for a second she leaned into him, into his warmth and strength and it felt like home... no questions, just answers, no guilt... guilt... Ron..._

_And he saw the switch, knew what it meant, for a moment as she'd leaned against him he had begun to hope that he would walk out of this house with the victory, with the girl. But she tensed under his touch and when her eyes opened they were cold. He stepped away from her, but refused to look away even though he knew what was coming, he willed himself to stay calm, but knew there was little likliehood of that._

"_So this is it? This is how it ends?"_

_She ran a hand through her hair, she knew that no matter what she said now they wouldn't be the last words of the evening, but she could try._

"_Yes. Please respect that."_

_He snorted, clearly she'd pushed the button._

"_Respect it? The way you respect me you mean? You're so fucking high and mighty with your damn rules, convinced they give you the right to treat people anyway you want. Well guess what, I'm not Malfoy, I'm not going to fade quietly into the background and lick my wounds." He'd done his research, she could grant him that._

_Hermione flinched at his words._

"_What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_

"_I've just been asking around is all, doing a little homework. Did Draco really not mind about you leaving him in a closet, pants round his ankles and platitudes about friendship ringing in his ears. Did Remus really not mind every time you kicked him out at night? Do you really think I don't mind every time I wake up to find you gone?"_

"_You know nothing about that, Draco knew..."_

"_Draco knew bollocks all, he was heartbroken and you knew it, admit it, it just serves your purposes to pretend to be oblivious. Can't blame you can we? Poor Hermione, tragic little heroine."_

_It was her turn to snort derisively._

"_Hardly."_

He paced in front of her when he spoke, arms waving madly but his voice a harsh whisper, mindful of her neighbours. Hermione's mind briefly flitted to Ron, as it was prone to do in times of stress. What would he make of her now?

Kneeling on the ground outside the burrow with her face pressed against his neck, trying desperately to commit the feel and the smell of him to memory she had felt something inside her shut off.

When Ron had died some part of her had died too. Clichéd as it may have sounded he had been her world. For two years after Sirius had fallen through the veil the three of them had kept each other together. Her feelings for Ron had increased from a schoolgirl crush to something much deeper, and when she'd finally confessed to him he had matched her word for word, in a tone so far removed from his usual levity she had almost not believed him.

"_I love you Hermione, always have, always will, nothing will change that. And if anything happens..." "no listen", he stopped her attempts to proclaim that nothing would happen, that they would grow old together and raise bushy haired ginger children; "if anything happens, to either of us, I'll go on loving you, in this world or the next."_

And she'd stayed faithful to his promise; had continued to love him, the two years following their mutual confession had cemented her belief that ever since the tender age of 11 and that fateful troll incident she had loved the man she would spend her life with, she'd never truly believed anything would get in their way. They left Hogwarts, worked endlessly to bring down the evil, to give themselves, and Harry, and everyone, the chance to reclaim their lives, to live as they should, happy, together, complete.

Through the death of her parents he had loved her, and kept her alive, a walking, talking, working Hermione, she truly believed that without him it all would have been too much. Then he had stood in front of her, fearless in the face of death and unshakable in his protection of her.

No matter what Remus believed she had stopped blaming herself for the death of her loved ones, she hadn't caused it, she knew, but there was no doubt that she was marked by death, however it never seemed to touch her, just the ones she loved.

It wasn't like she had made a vow not to love again, to spare others from the curse, she simply still loved Ron, that was all there was to it. He may not be there for her to touch, but she could hear him every day, mocking those around her when he had cause to, mocking her when she did something stupid, remaining stubbornly silent after her trysts with Remus, and positively indignant after the cupboard incident with Draco; "the ferret? Really? What were you thinking Hermione?" She knew it wasn't a real voice, but it sounded like his, and she knew him so well she could have spoken for him even if he had still been alive. Yes, the voice had gotten quieter and less frequent over the years, but it wasn't gone, it would never be gone.

Sirius had turned up, bringing ghosts of the past and looking gorgeous and promising fun and games and she'd jumped at the chance, because she knew that was all it would be, fun and games, but she hadn't counted on this, never mind his feelings of possession over her, it was her own feelings that were causing her concern.

She hadn't lied when she'd told him it had never been like that, it hadn't. Ron and her had been scarcely more than children, and while Remus and her had hit dizzying heights on occasion and Draco had more than exceeded expectations no man had ever left her so desperate and breathless and crazy with need. Each time she craved him more and more, and over the last few weeks she had caught herself wandering what he was up to when he wasn't with her.

The day before yesterday she had fallen sleep resting against his shoulder on her sofa. That was what did it for her really; she never let anyone see her sleep, scared they would hear the words she cried out in her sleep. She had taped herself one night and had never felt so naked and vulnerable as she had when she'd heard her fear replayed. Maybe she hadn't dreamt, or maybe he was being tactful, but he hadn't mentioned anything and after just four hours she had felt more rested then she had in years.

_Wrong, wrong, wrong._


	17. Chapter 16: The End

**Chapter 16 The End**

She rounded on him in anger and confusion.

"You can't love me, you don't even know me, sometimes you can't stand me. You judge the way I live my life, compare me with someone I was years ago. You stand there with so much hate in your eyes and say that you love me? What a joke. I make my way as best I can. Who the hell are you to come here and start picking my choices apart?"

"I know you Hermione, I'm someone who loves you, want it or not it's a fact. And I'm someone who knew you before and knows you now. The Hermione Granger I knew before, child or not, would never have used people, and that's what you're doing, you're using people and trying to dictate their feelings as well as you dictate your own. You can't control people like that Hermione, can't simply tell someone not to love you anymore than you can tell yourself not to love them.

I know you have feelings for me, just like you I'm not cursed with a lack of confidence and I can see it in your eyes, and feel it when you touch me. Don't fight anymore."

His tone had been gentle in the face of her anger, and for a moment she felt herself slipping, but the anger was still there, simmering inside, how dare he? She didn't use people, they knew exactly what they were getting into, just like he did, and none of them had been stupid enough to march into her life and expect to change the rules. She was lost for words, but needn't have worried, he provided her with the perfect opportunity for righteous rage;

"That's why you choose the people you do isn't it Hermione? How many people have you slept with? Four? Ron, Remus, Draco and me? All directly linked to your past, all carefully selected to know your secrets and to allow you to use them because of them. I've no doubt you loved Ron with everything you are, but he's dead now Hermione and it's been four years, and if I were you I guess I would ask myself what he would say about your choices. Would he be disappointed at the person you've become?"

Even as he said it he knew it had been a mistake, but she pushed him past any rational thought with her stubbornness, from the minute he had pushed the right buttons and felt the walls come down he knew this was the end of things, and all that was left was to get his point across. The air was silent, for a moment she just stared blankly at him as if a Merlin himself had arrived in a Chudley Cannons jumper and a pink and green mohawk, she looked at him like she had never seen anyone quite so extraordinary.

Hermione could feel herself shaking, he was right, no one would ever question her, and that was just the way she wanted it. This man had come to her world uninvited and questioned her whole life, and to top it all he had questioned Ron, how would he feel? HOW WOULD HE FEEL? He would love her, like she loved him.

So quietly, he almost didn't hear, she whispered as she started to unbutton her hastily repaired dress.

"Ron would love me, Ron would understand, you want to know what he would understand? He would understand that losing your parents, your soulmate and your best friend would drive you to the edge, he would understand that war does terrible things and people change." She undid the last button and peeled down her shirt, muttering a quiet incantation as she turned round;

"He would understand that this," Sirius gasped as he saw the network of silvery scars across her back, like a pathway to untold hours of agony;

"And this.." and as she turned round he felt the bottom fall out of the world, he had known it was there but nothing would prepare him for the sight of her perfect skin twisted and knotted into the shape of the dark mark, angry red after all these years;

"...Would change a person, you know she used acid on this one? It will never heal. Just like I will never heal, and Ron would understand that, and he would let me make my choices and they would all revolve around him. That's how I know you see, that I don't love you, my world would revolve around him, you will never be that important to me. You're nothing to me Sirius, I don't know what little fantasy world you've built up for us in your mind but it's not real. Maybe you got too good at dreaming while you were locked up..."

He flinched at her words and for a moment she wished she could take them back, it wasn't like her to be that cruel on purpose, but she knew she needed this man out of her flat, out of her life, now. She turned away from him again, the scars quickly fading away as she glamoured them again.

"Just leave." It was quiet, almost defeated, but firm nonetheless. As he turned to walk from her he left her with one parting shot.

"Don't think you have a monopoly on grief little girl. I'm sorry for what happened to you, so sorry, and I wish, more than anything I could have prevented it, but I'd died you see. After losing some of my best friends, my only real family, finding out one of them was their executioner, spending 12 years locked up in the depths of hell while my godson faced an evil no child should ever see and my last friend believed I was the one who had betrayed them all, after two years hiding in a house that brought back every bad memory every day, I died.

So don't talk to me about grief, about suffering, I know all about it. And you make a decision Hermione, you live or you die, simple as that. I've chosen to live, I'm going to have a life, and friends, and a family and love, and that will never replace the people I loved, it will only make the memories of them easier to bare and the memories of how important they were to me all the sweeter."


	18. Chapter 17: Confession

_I had to make a bit of a change to chapter 15 to tie in with this. I liked the line in the letter too much to leave it out! Sorry..._

**Chapter 17 Confession**

Apparently the world didn't stop turning just because two people's lives had fallen apart.

A month later she was still picturing his face on the punching bag, and when she went to bed at night she steadfastly told herself that it wasn't his arms she was yearning for, it was Ron's, even thought the memory of them had become so dim. She was angry every day, her work was an outlet and a refuge, but try as she might even she couldn't work 24 hours a day, and in the early morning light, as she finally started to drift off to sleep she heard all his words like he was lying next to her, whispering them in her ear.

_You use people Hermione... what would Ron think?... you don't have a monopoly on grief little girl... I love you._

Love, what did he knew about love? If he loved her he wouldn't have said those things, wouldn't have goaded her into showing him her darkest secrets. She felt her face flush with shame, no one but Harry had seen those scars, what was the point of magic if you couldn't use it to protect yourself, and she had done just that, protected herself from pity, from questions.

She had never told anyone but Harry what had happened in those rooms. How she had been driven beyond reason with pain and the heartbreak of seeing Ginny fall at her feet, and how when she heard the sound of the cavalry coming for her she had made a decision to leave this world and take as many of the forces of evil with her. How they could battle for eternity in hell for all she cared, as long as she didn't have to face this world anymore, it had nothing left to offer her.

At the end of the battle she had honestly been surprised to still be alive. And she had seen Harry's shock when he found her with the corpses of her victims strewn around her. She hadn't known where the wandless magic had come from, but assumed it must have been a dark and desperate place.

And now he'd seen it all, knew it all. A letter lay on her desk, bearing the crumpled signs of something thrown away and then delicately repaired and re-read again and again. This letter was tearing at her, but he had asked for just one thing, space, and that she would grant him. After all, she told herself, she didn't love him and the pain of their fight was tormenting her, Merlin only knew how he felt.

In fact she knew how he felt, he had laid it out for her with the poetry of his words. He had written from the heart and she had no idea what to do with his confession.

_Dear Hermione_

_I'm speaking to you through written words because I don't believe I can trust either of us not to sink to the depths we both reached last night._

_I'll always be sorry for the words that I used and the way that I made my confession, but I won't apologise for what I said._

_Last night, before it all, when I moved inside you I felt the world end. I love you, I knew it then, as I've known it since almost the beginning. Oh, how secretly I've whispered those words to you, how quiet I've kept my thoughts, how far away I felt from you. I felt the world end because I knew, finally, that you didn't feel that way; that you won't ever feel that way. _

_And yes, I'm angry. You questioned how I could claim to love you with so much hate in my eyes. Just because something is a cliché it doesn't mean it's not true, and it's true to say there is a fine line between love and hate Hermione. I hate you for the way you've let yourself build up these walls. I hate you for the fact that you don't love me because you can't, but because you won't. _

_I've seen the way you look at me when you think I'm not looking. I've felt the way you relax under my hands after a stressful day. I've seen you look for me in a crowded room time and time again and yet you still maintain that you feel nothing for me. _

_This is your doing; the way I feel now, like every fibre in my being is desperate for you and simultaneously crushed to nothing because you won't be here. I love you, everything about you, your scars, your closed mind, your defiance in the face of reason and truth and honesty, I'm not really sure how not to love you. How strange after such a strange relationship, to be so sure of one's feelings, and to feel so alone without you._

_In truth I understand more than you think. I know about the need to impose some control back on your life, and I know about the pit of loss that eats at whatever vestiges of sanity you have managed to retain. Look at my life, and my actions, as you once pointed out my rashness was born from anger at the events contained within it and one day it would cost you all, and so it did. You have handled your pain so much better than I ever did and I can only respect you for that._

_But I didn't lie Hermione, you have used people, treated them as less than they deserve, and I include myself in this. All I offer you is the chance to live your life, to love someone who's living and breathing. That does not mean you should let go of the ghosts, they will always be there. _

_You say you hear Ron's voice, that he comments on your life and your choices, but are they really his words? Or your words in his voice, vindicating you? Somewhere along the line you have forgotten the things that made you who you are, that make you who you are still. You think you lost yourself when Ron died, but in truth you were made up of your bravery, stubbornness, kindness and determination and all those attributes were the ones that helped you stay alive through what was to follow. _

_I could so easily have kept this facade up, at least for a while. I could have let you believe that I was abiding by your ridiculous rules, although I know you had your suspicions. Why didn't you bring it up Hermione? You weren't so shy about telling me not to fall in love with you when we started. Can you tell yourself why you never asked me when you felt me hold on to you that little bit too tightly after we were together? Why you never pushed me away when I crossed the boundary between simple jealousy and furious possessiveness. Why you revelled in it? Provoked it?_

_Why do you think we were so good together? Can you honestly tell me you've ever felt anything like that before? I've never been with someone like you, never thought I could share moments like that, __when I felt so exposed because I needed someone as much as I needed you. I never felt ashamed, never felt desperate, I felt like we were one; thinking, moving, breathing together as one. I felt like you were there with me._

_But of course, you never were, you were anywhere but. You were locked away wherever it is that you live these days._

_I'm not going anywhere, I want to be here with Harry and Remus, I've been away for too long. I would ask you however, as one last favour to me, to leave me in peace. I'm going to fight a battle with myself every day not to come and see you, and I think you owe it to me to give me a chance at a fair fight._

_The real reason I am so angry with you, that I am so sad for you, is that I knew you before and I know you're still there somewhere. Every so often I see a glimpse of you. That's not to say I love what you were, or what you might be again, I know who you are Hermione Granger and I have no control over the fact that I love you then, now, always._

_Yours, in body, mind and spirit._

_Sirius._

But no, the world didn't stop turning just because two people had shouted and screamed and hurt each other, just because a few choice words had brought her carefully constructed boundaries crashing down.

Quite the opposite in fact.


	19. Chapter 18: Old Habits Die Hard

**Chapter 18 Old Habits Die Hard**

The backlash had been a long time coming, apparently her nearest and dearest had decided to give her some time to see if she would come to her senses. However as soon as her month of grace was up the reaction was swift and strong, surprisingly it began with a terse note from Draco Malfoy of all people.

_H_

_I have heard of your recent tour de force and felt moved to write and tell you, unreservedly, that I think you are a fool._

_D_

_Ps. Having made myself clear you should also know that I am here, if you feel the need to bore me with your tales of woe_

Well, at least he hadn't felt the need to tell her in person. In fact to date no one had felt the need to speak to her about it at all. One month, 31 days, 744 hours, forty-four thousand, six hundred and forty minutes in which not one of her friends had brought up the subject, 2,678,400 seconds in which she hadn't seen Remus at all.

"_I'm afraid he's not exactly sympathetic to you right now Hermione." Harry had tried to explain._

"_And you?" She prompted, almost certain she didn't want to hear the answer._

"_You're my best friend Hermione, I have to love you, I have no choice..." He tailed off and she saved him the effort of completing his sentence._

"_But if you didn't have to you're not so sure you would right now?" He flinched, blushed and looked away but at least he had the balls to be honest._

"_In truth? No, I'm not. I think you've made a mistake, a terrible mistake. I'm just hoping that when you realise, it won't be too late."_

In the world of Hermione Granger however there was still no admission of guilt. Yes it hurt, yes she'd had to be strong, but it was strength, not weakness, she was sure of it. She had lasted a month and as far as she was concerned she was due a celebration. All good things come to those who wait after all, and she had waited, and waited and waited some more for the pit in her stomach to ease but it wasn't showing any sign of abating.

It may not have been the most rational of decisions but never the less she felt it was a good one, if the good things wouldn't come to her, she would go to them, she had a wealth of tools at her fingertips to chase the blues away, hadn't they always worked in the past?

Well no, admittedly not, but they had helped somewhat, in a dark twisted way she never quite wanted to analyse too deeply, but if that's what it was going to take, then that's what she was doing. As she'd said once before, she was 23 damnit, if not now then when?

So it was that she found herself that night in a dark, atmospheric club she had favoured over the last four years. Here she was free, no judgement, no level gazes. Here she was in company, the damaged and fragile of the wizarding world could come here to forget, and among them she was a queen.

Phasmatis was hidden away in a far corner of Diagon Ally. Just before the entrance to Knockturn there was a small stone with an almost spectral sheen to it, looked at from one light it appeared just like any stone in the ancient walls of wizard London. However, tilt your heard just right in the moonlight and the solid surface gave way to a whirling mist of shapes and colours, looking like (and possibly even being, who knew in this magic world) a solar system all of its own. Hermione had found herself transfixed one night, some years ago, almost convinced she could see stars within the mists.

To gain entry one must know exactly which stone to touch, and how to touch it, there would be no second chances. Phasmatis was only interested in those in the know, it wanted no tourists and would suffer no young witches and wizards who'd had too much to drink and were looking for adventure, or to reassure themselves of their superiority over those who had felt their pain a little too deeply.

She leant against the wall for a moment, strangely unsure of her next step. This was a conscious choice, a choice to lose herself, for one night, maybe two, maybe longer. There were no half measures downstairs. But the lure of the possibility of some peace proved too strong and almost without thinking she had nicked her hand on the sharp edge of the wall and placed her palm on the stone, letting just a drop of blood flow into the wall.

"Solitas" she whispered, she was indeed, it was the perfect password, designed for those that felt alone in a room full of people.

Anyone who'd listened to this description would have imagined the club as a daunting place full of desperate souls. But as Hermione took her first step through the now transparent wall, and heard the notes music climb up the stairs towards her she knew it wasn't quite so. No, there would be no cheery songs here, and no the laughing, jostling crowd of a Friday night was not welcome, but for some people it was tones of sorrow, words of loss which made them feel the most at peace. Here in this underground sanctuary Hermione felt as if she was understood.

If nothing else, she thought, she would be spared the presence of her friends, their silence shouting out the words they tried to avoid.

_Wrong Hermione, you're wrong._

_Phasmatis – ghost, spirit, spectre_

_Solitas – lonliness, solitude, being alone_

_Both latin, the old kind!_


	20. Chapter 19: Brothers in Arms

**Chapter 19 Brothers in Arms**

_Yessssss_

The smoke drifted through the air and she breathed it in gratefully, the club was warm and she was thankful she'd chosen to leave her jacket at home, July hadn't quite lived up to expectations this year. But down here she cold believe she was somewhere else, somewhere exotic where the air smelt of spices and the closeness surrounded her like a blanket. She'd kept it simple, her favourite black dress floated around her and her heels made her feel like she was in control.

She walked slowly across the dance floor, aware of the stares that followed her;

_Hermione's back..._

The barman, a tall handsome wizard called Mungo spotted her at the end of the bar and left his customer mid order to grasp her hand in his.

"What's the matter Princess? The top side get too real for you?"

"As always love, you know it. Vodka please, lots and lots of vodka."

She was self aware enough to know that all she had done was to slip into one of her four carefully moulded personas. This was Hermione Granger, underground club frequenter, mistress of the damned, singer of the stories of heart ache and loss which had brought them all there, consumer of, well just about anything, within reason.

Mungo passed her a drink and she felt the burn gratefully, her eyes falling on the open stage.

"Anyone booked in tonight? It's been a while."

He checked the rota casually, they both knew it was a front, if Hermione wanted to sing she would sing, and no one would deny her. She'd often wondered where this side of her came from; down here she was almost arrogant, so sure of herself. Maybe it was the same confidence that made her so effective at her job, you couldn't scare Hermione Granger, that was well known, how could you scare someone who'd come face to face with the devil himself?

"No love, it's free and clear, have a chat to the band, they haven't changed, they'll still know all your favourites." With that he reached behind the bar and passed her a small packet;

"Here you are, call it a welcome back present." Hermione felt the light packet in her hand and smiled without hesitation.

"You're a bad influence boy, but I won't pretend it's not needed." She wasn't lying, yes, she was putting up a good front but in truth something did feel a little off, the confidence she usually felt down here hadn't been quite as certain. She knocked back her drink and made for the bathroom.

Sitting on the cold porcelain, mirror on her knee, one hand to her nose and the fingers of her other hand chasing any last flecks of powder from the surface she caught her own reflection in the dusty surface and had a brief, and chilling moment of clarity. This scene, this person, it wasn't what she'd wanted for herself, it wasn't what anyone had wanted. This was squalid, dirty, she was just another drugged up little girl looking for a way out. But as the rush hit her and mercifully chased the thoughts away she straightened up. _You don't always get what you want. But you make what you can out of what you've been given._

The stage was low, it made her feel one with the crowd who were now triumphantly cheering her return. With a start she realised it had been six months, six months since she'd sought out this escape. What did that mean?

Call it freakish, call it bad music taste, call it whatever you wanted but she opened with Brothers in Arms. The guitar had always haunted her and the words had made their way straight to her heart, for obvious reasons;

_These mist covered mountains  
Are a home now for me  
But my home is the lowlands  
And always will be  
Some day you'll return to  
Your valleys and your farms  
And you'll no longer burn  
To be brothers in arms_

Through these fields of destruction  
Baptisms of fire  
I've watched all your suffering  
As the battles raged higher  
And though they did hurt me so bad  
In the fear and alarm  
You did not desert me  
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds  
So many different suns  
And we have just one world  
But we live in different ones

Now the suns gone to hell  
And the moons riding high  
Let me bid you farewell  
Every man has to die  
But its written in the starlight  


_And every line on your palm  
Were fools to make war  
On our brothers in arms_

It seemed she wasn't alone in her love for the song, no one knew how many people had fought in the war here, you never asked, you never told, it was forbidden territory, but she knew there wasn't a person in her generation who had been left untouched.

The chords moved over her as she swayed slowly to the tune, eyes closed and small smile gracing her lips she felt comfort, peace, thank Merlin for the music. But she also felt something else. Through the haze of the club she felt someone's gaze, and not just an ordinary gaze, this was one was piercing. But try as she might she couldn't locate its source.

It was unnerving though so she set her mind back to the words of her next song, determined to ignore it, desperate to have just one evening where she could stand up here and think of nothing.

Someone handed her another drink and she raised it to the crowd in salute, as one they raised their glasses back as the first notes crashed into being;

_You look so fine  
I want to break your heart  
And give you mine  
You're taking me over_

Song after song followed, drink after drink, but none of them seemed to be denting her calm. By the time she found herself back in the ladies she felt invincible. Of course the gram she'd consumed by now probably didn't hurt, and holy shit it felt good.

The dance floor called out to her and she crept into the middle of the heaving mass of people, letting the notes carry her away she felt it again, someone somewhere was burning a hole into her. She twisted round suddenly, determined to catch her stalker, but instead she came face to chest with a well known face.

Blaise Zabinni had never quite made it to the light side, then again he'd never fought for the dark. He had simply disappeared one night and returned three years later a quieter and more serious soul. Rumour had it he'd seen his share of troubles and it was true to say his family seemed thin on the ground these days, but as far as she knew he never spoke about it. Her kind of man.

Without a word she let him turn her round and place his hands on her hips. He moved in tandem with her and she almost sighed at the feel of someone close to her again.

"Good to see you Granger." A low, shiver inducing whisper in her ear.

"Shut up Blaise, just dance with me, help me concentrate on nothing won't you?"

He smirked at her, that peculiarly Slytherin smirk that had left many a girl wanting more.

"My pleasure."

This was who she was, she thought, this was what she needed. No quiet nights in with fluffy socks and muggle TV, no relaxing back rubs and a cup of tea. That was the old Hermione, the girl who wouldn't have dared to imagine what she was capable of now. This was the new one, the dark one, the one who'd killed, the one who was scarred and marked a bruised.

She was pleased with herself, she'd done so well tonight, pushed aside the old and ushered in the new, or welcomed back the older, either way, this was a step in the right direction towards claiming back her life, the one that had been working out just fine for her thankyou very much.

She had single-mindedly quashed any treacherous thoughts of silver eyes, of strong arms, she'd skirted around any truth in his words, or any pang of longing for his lips on hers. She'd consciously forgotten the joy of dinner with her lover and her closest friends, she had what she need now, she would do just fine.

Blaise's hands had been moving, unnoticed for a while now, and she realised she seemed to have reached decision time without even knowing it. To kiss or not to kiss? To touch or not to touch? To replace the feel of Sirius' hands on her with someone else? Erase the memories that were causing her grief?

He handed her another drink and she necked it, realising as she felt a blur in the word slightly, that the vodka may have caught up with her. Vodka and coke she thought with a frown, what a cliché, she would have to find something else to drink. She gave a small giggle and stumbled slightly against him, hand on his chest. He raised an eyebrow;

"So?"

"So." She repeated to this now slightly spinning figure in front of her.

"Smoke?"

"Outside." Fresh air would sober her up, she was sure of it, but as any seasoned drinker knew, as she should have known, fresh air generally had the opposite effect.


	21. Chapter 20: Actions And Consequences

_Yes, I did have most of it written, but I obsess about things and go back over and over changing stuff, so I decided I needed to get it online and move on with the story! The updates will be slower now, it's entering unchartered territory!_

_I know how tragedy can hurt people, but I never wanted Hermione to be some helpless woman, so I'm glad you recognise that. She's making damaging choices, don't we all sometimes?_

**Chapter 20 Actions**

The eyes she'd been searching followed her as she made her slightly stumbling way to the small, hidden terrace that most people didn't know was there. Stupid, idiot girl, the man holding on to her was slobbering all over her and he clearly had no qualms about the fact that she was half cut.

Fucking dress, fucking singing, fucking heels. All he'd wanted was a night away from sympathetic looks, instead he'd found himself acting like some kind of stalker. And he knew she knew, he'd seen her cast around for him when she was on the stage. The girl had instincts, he shouldn't forget that.

Not that her instincts were helping her out much right now. He'd seen her neck drink after drink and was fairly sure she was high as a kite on top of the booze. It's seemed she'd broken out in force tonight, great timing Hermione, just great.

He'd followed her out the door, jostled by a young wizard who turned around angry, and left subdued after meeting his eyes.

The air hit him with a welcome force, fresh and tangy from the river close by. This had always been his favourite time in London, 3 in the morning when the children were tucked up in bed and the weird and the wonderful came out to play. He'd spent countless hours in the last year walking the Embankment, pondering his life and his choices, trying to find a way to fit it all together into a happy ending, now he knew he wasn't going to get one.

Hermione's confidence was waning. The wall felt rough on her back, and not in a good way. Blaise's lips were trailing wet kisses down her neck in a move that usually had her begging for more. But the ground felt unsteady and this all felt rushed and she wasn't really sure who she was. Something was seriously wrong, there was something off in her mind and she knew it wasn't just the usual. She was beginning to feel weight pressing down on her, trying to tether her limbs. The word around her was blurring and pitching and the man in front of her didn't seem to see, or care, that she wasn't responding.

She pushed tentatively, but he didn't move away. Her reactions were slow now and she stood still for a while, eyes wondering the river view as he carried on what he obviously thought were irresistible moves.

For a full minute she stood outside herself and watched them together, saw them as others might. A drunk, uninterested girl being groped and pawed. Panic and bile rose up in her throat and she managed to push more forcefully this time.

"Blaise, no, stop... stop." Nothing, not a hint that he'd heard except the slight tightening of his grip on her waist.

She moved her hands up to his chest and really shoved now. "Get off me." She was loud, she knew, she'd be causing a scene if there was anyone there to witness it.

Blaise finally stood back, eyes dark and emotionless.

"Now now Granger, never took you for a prick tease. Don't start something you can 't finish little girl."

It was strange but it was those two little words, little girl, more than the unwanted attention, more than his imposing presence and more than the fact that he was taking another step towards her that really hit her. She felt the tears begin to fall.

"Don't call me that." The words came out as almost a whisper, but loud enough for him to hear. He smirked again, this time it gave her tingles of a different kind. The world was still spinning but the voice inside her telling her she was in trouble was louder and louder by the second.

He stepped towards her again and she tensed herself to fight him, not really sure if she could, but damn she'd go down trying. The last remaining sensible thought in her head asked her what the hell she'd been thinking, she didn't know this man, he wasn't the answer, and look where it had brought her; to a cold terrace where no one would hear her above the music inside, facing a man who seemed intent on some kind of harm, and all alone.

Blaise moved forward again. Any trace of the charming man she'd been dancing with earlier had faded, in its place there was a bleak look in his eyes, one that told her appealing to his better nature wasn't going to do her any favours.

She tried for authority but the words wouldn't come. For the first time, in a life full of battles and horror she found herself immobile with fear, struck dumb with terror by nothing but a man, trembling like a terrified child, and feeling like one.

Another step closer, another soulless smirk, and this time he was reaching for her, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, like an animal coming in for the kill. She closed her eyes, Merlin help her she closed her eyes, that terrified child had chosen to hide under the covers till the monster went away.

Braced for the touch that never came. She felt a woosh of air, heard the voice.

"Back the fuck off." And then it all went black.

All that remained was flashed of reality; the bright night sky, white pain on a hallway wall, not hers. Her head was swirling and lolling like a rag doll. She could hear the odd snippet of concerned conversation but couldn't make out the voices, couldn't make out anything.

"What the hell's happened..?"

"Merlin knows, lots of drugs, lots of vodka, but I think it's something more..."

"... was Blaise, maybe the drink..."

"...get her in the bathroom, cold shower should..."

She tried to fights against strong arms as they picked her up and carried her away, tried to protest against the sudden movement, but it was to no avail, nothing in her was working, her hands wouldn't obey her commands and her tongue refused to form the words she needed to speak.

_Leave me alone, let me stay alone, don't need this, don't need you._

The shock of the cold water in her face and over her clothes jolted her awake fully and without a chance to fight it she emptied her guts on the shower floor, falling to her knees despite the hands which reached for her as she slumped to the ground.

"Fucking hell, she's a mess. I'm not staying for this." That was a voice she could recognise, her addled called out to him and for the first time her voice followed;

"Sirius..." her head rose to catch his eye and the nausea came back with a vengeance. There was nothing but disdain.

Well, maybe this would get rid of their little problem, there was no love left in those eyes... only anger.


	22. Chapter 21: Take it From One Who Knows

**Chapter 21 Take It From One Who Knows**

It was two days since she'd been found at Phasmatis, and she was humiliated. She may have made some questionable choices in the past but she'd never ended up like that, so vulnerable, so out of control.

Hermione had always been a thinker, for good or bad she had taken every situation and event and analysed it to death. Recently though she knew she'd pushed aside the questions in her mind, like when Sirius came back, what a mystery, but it was too much, too big, and she hadn't wanted to open a door in her mind she'd known she would never close.

The thinking was back though. Step by step, inch by inch, she replayed every step of the evening; where had it begun to feel so wrong? It was the last drink, the one Blaise had handed her and she had drunk without question. Idiot, she was behaving like some second year Hufflepuff, not questioning the very things she should be screaming about.

Needless to say the reactions of her friends had been less than friendly. Harry had yelled at her, for the first time in years, and he left her feeling like an idiot child;

"_What the fuck are you doing to yourself?" She'd tried to interrupt, to tell him she knew what she'd done but he cut her off._

"_No, I don't want to hear it Hermione. You need to sort yourself out, we're all partly responsible I guess, none of us really challenged you, but this has to stop. There are children around now 'Mione, I want you to be part of Jame's life, but you won't be if this is the path you choose to follow."_

_The tears had started to fall then, she couldn't help it._

"_Harry I know, I..." But he wasn't finished._

"_And Sirius, Merlin Hermione he's so broken up, and then that's how he finds you? He's out of his mind trying to get over you and terrified about what you're doing."_

"_He found me?"_

"_Yes, you were lucky, he was in the club, knew you were out of it and followed you out there, he didn't trust Blaise, turns out he was right doesn't it?"_

There had been a harsh tone in his voice she hadn't heard directed towards her before and she knew she had a long road ahead of her before her friends would forgive her. She had used Sirius, dearly loved by all of them; she'd used him despite everything that he'd been through. Cold and callous, that was how Remus had described her as he dropped her home.

So she'd used their closest friend, then when his heart was well and truly broken she'd celebrated by heading out, getting messed up and being rescued, incapable and minutes away from god knows 

what. She'd rewarded Sirius his devotion to her by letting him see her pressed up against someone else before she ended up vomiting on the shower floor.

_Lovely Hermione, classy, brightest witch of your age hey?_

No, times were going to have to change, amends needed to be made, bridges needed to be rebuilt and it was going to have to be her that made the first step. She had no idea where to start though, this was unchartered territory for her, she had always been better at righteous indignation than humble supplication. So she went to the one person she knew who could write the book on righting wrongs.

Draco had burned the Manor down shortly after the fall of Voldemort. He said it was because he was never quite certain, when he opened a door, that he wasn't going to be cursed by something old and evil, but she knew it was because of the things that had happened here. Destroying the Manor destroyed the site of crimes untold, against him as well as others. He'd had a tough time of it as a child and he knew all too well about questionable decisions.

But he was still a Malfoy, so it would be foolish to suggest that his new home was anything other than impressive. He had stayed in Wiltshire, had loved the countryside too much to ever leave, but he'd found something altogether different to the foreboding gothic grey of the Manor.

His new house was every inch the home of a country squire. It's large white facade was fringed with ivy and skirted by flowers in rich, deep colours. The lawns were sweeping and in the distance she could hear a dog barking.

Draco came to the door himself, not quite as surprising as it would have been, he was a relatively private person and staff just seemed to him to be more people to stick their noses into his life. The door opened with the smell of garlic and wine and she felt her stomach rumble noisily. Embarrassed, she caught his amused glance;

"If you'd wanted feeding all you had to do was ask Granger."

She followed him into the large, immaculate, farm house style kitchen, laughing as he swore at the small Jack Russell who was looking meaningfully at the simmering saucepan.

"Sod off Edward, you mangy mutt, honestly I don't know why I keep you around."

"Because you love me," came a voice from outside the kitchen window, "therefore by extension, you love my dog."

A pretty face, topped with deep auburn curls popped through the window.

"Hi Hermione."

"Melissa, good to see you." She replied with a smile. It was never a trial to see Draco's muggle wife. She had an infectious charm about her which drew people in. There had been shock waves throughout the upper classes of the wizarding world when it was discovered that the infamous 

Draco Malfoy was in love with a muggle, but he wouldn't hear a word about it and had cut off any enquiry with a terse;

"It's the person, not the magic, now bugger off."

Melissa had taken the many strange features of this new world in her stride, and had insisted in bringing her own world with her. As a consequence they lived together in a mixed up world of muggle and magic and, it seemed, they couldn't be happier.

The three of them had settled down to a mouthwatering seafood paella and Draco had courteously avoided any questions about her reason for being there until the very end of the meal.

"So Granger, interesting time you've been having, care to share?"

They had talked for hours, Hermione alternating between sorrow at her actions and anger at the way her life had turned out. Draco let her rant, occasionally butting in to add his opinions;

"Life's what you make of it."

"If you don't love yourself no one else will love you either."

"The past is done Hermione, you need to concentrate in the future."

Finally she had snapped at him;

"Honestly Draco, are you just going to sit there all night spouting off clichés?"

Melissa had felt the change in the room and quietly excused herself, leaving the two of them glaring at each other across the table.

"Well what do you want from me? I've already told you I think you're a fool. You have brains, you have beauty, you have friends that love you, money in the bank, one of the finest wizards of the modern age would have walked through fire for you, but it's still not enough is it? I've sat here and listened, and all I hear is me, me, me.

What about the people you profess to care about, what about them? How is Harry dealing with being a father? When was the last time you visited Molly? Do you know George ended up in St Mungo's the other day after he splinched him self apparating high? Fred's thinking about getting married but he's not sure about leaving George alone. Did you know Remus and Tonks had an enormous fight? He's been staying at Harry's. Sirius has been promoted, did you know that? He works harder and longer than anyone else and he has nothing to prove."

_Oh Merlin, I'm a total bitch, Draco Malfoy knows more about my friends then I do. _The realisation shot through her like an arrow and Draco must have seen her stricken face because his tone softened slightly.

"I know these things because I've been there; I've been there because I am their friend, and I'm their friend because I fought long and hard to earn that friendship. What you've done hasn't begun to scratch the surface of my actions but they still forgave me. Yes, you broke Sirius' heart but no one really understands the intricacies of a relationship unless they are living it, you're friends know that. I think they're most angry at how much you've cut yourself off from them, and how you've chosen to get over whatever it is that you're feeling."

He leaned forward and gently wiped a tear from her face;

"Take it from me Hermione. You need to be the one who reaches out, you need to show them that the person they love is still here, because you are you know; I can see you clear as day."


	23. Chapter 22: New Start Old Friend

**Chapter 22 New Start Old Friend**

Her library had always been a sanctuary, much like any other library before. From the study at her parent's house, through the vast and ancient rows of magical literature at Hogwarts, even the dark, foreboding library at Grimmauld Place had afforded her some kind of peace.

So it was fitting that it was in this room of her flat that Hermione chose to make her plans. She'd had a persistent headache since that day, Merlin knew what Blaise had put in her drink but she was damn sure she would find out if he was ever stupid enough to cross her path again.

She rubbed her temples whilst her mind went to work on how best to approach the people she had hurt or mistreated, or disappointed over the past few months. To some her sins may not have seemed so great, she had messed up in a relationship, that much was true, she had avoided them and cut herself off, and she had got wrecked and put herself in danger. These things happened; a slap on the wrist would normally suffice. But these weren't just any friends, they were a family, and they were everything to each other and she had been steadily withdrawing herself from them for four years now.

She wasn't quite sure why it was all so clear now, maybe it was those moments against the wall where she felt so helpless, but she had suddenly realised that she was anything but. As Draco had said, she had the world at her finger tips and it was only her stubbornness and self pity that was preventing her from living in it.

Once upon a time she had been kind and dedicated, she had cared about the welfare of everyone and everything, and she'd had more love than she knew what to do with. Now she was thin to the point of being skinny, she was tense, suffered stress headaches and nightmares, her job was only just on the right side of legal and she was more comfortable threatening the bad guys than she was dealing with the good. Now she abandoned her friends and dishonoured the memories of people who had loved her.

Well enough was enough. It was time for Hermione Granger to come back. This was what Hermione was good at, she set her mind to something and she accomplished it, there would have to be changes certain things, certain habits would have to fall by the wayside. She'd realised long ago that she didn't really like herself when she was drunk, or high, but that hadn't mattered, she didn't like herself most of the time anyway, but she had enjoyed the freedom, and that she would miss.

So that's why, when Remus finally decided to visit he found her at the sink of her grandmother's old cottage, steadily pouring every last drop of booze down the drain.

"Are you a witch or not Hermione?" He'd asked, amused, "there are more efficient ways of getting rid of things you know?"

Hermione was uncomfortable, it was a shock to have him turn up in her house, she wasn't sure she was quite ready to put the 'Hermione makes amends' plan into action just yet. But here he was nonetheless. So perhaps honestly was the best policy.

"Yes, well, it's more cathartic this way, it means more to me."

Remus took a step forward and caught hold of her tiny wrist in his large hand, wincing at the bones he felt and forcing her eyes round to his with the other hand.

"And what does it mean?" His eyes were stern but not unkind, for a moment she remembered all those DADA lessons at Hogwarts, how much she'd respected him then, and what had passed between them since. Her eyes threatened to fill with tears, but she held them back, Remus had never been able to suffer the sight of a woman crying and she wouldn't manipulate him with her tears, if he had something to say he should say it.

"It means enough, enough of this, enough of me being like this, it's time to move on."

He released a breath she didn't even know he'd been holding and, without warning pulled her into his arms.

"The fact that you've reached this decision tells me you've already said everything I came here to say to you to yourself. I'm not going to repeat it. I love you and I'm glad you're coming back to us, it's all there is to say."

At this she failed in her battle to stop the tears and found herself, for the first time in years, really sobbing into someone's shoulder. Remus tensed at first, unused to such displays from the little witch in front of him, she'd kept this side of her strictly private over the past few years, but it seemed that now the tears had started they wouldn't stop.

"No, that's not all there is to say," she spluttered, "you should be furious with me, you should be disgusted, you should hate me, I'm horrible, I'm..." Her voice had risen in pitch and he feared she might be on the verge of hysterics so he stopped her in her tracks.

"Hermione stop it." His tone brooked no argument and she found herself quietening down immediately, the odd sniff and hiccup all that was left of her tears. She smiled slightly, although she was sure she must have been a horrific sight, red and blotchy as she was.

"Must be why you were such a good teacher Professor, you always could control the immature."

He handed her his clean, white handkerchief and let her mop her eyes before he spoke again.

"You're not immature Hermione; you're just a little confused. And yes, I've been angry, we've all been angry, but things could have gotten so much worse. I once told Sirius that perhaps we shouldn't judge you for your choices, haven't we all taken different paths? You got lost a little bit on yours is all, you're going to be fine... we're going to be fine."

She had been so scared, terrified they wouldn't accept her back, but she should have known better really. Wasn't the kindness of these people the reason she had loved them to begin with. She had allowed Remus to sit her down and make the tea and had enjoyed the quiet chat. It was the old days in the kitchen at Head Quarters, they had always sought out the quiet together and deep inside she felt that maybe, the first tiny bit of her was beginning to heal.

She raised her mug to him shyly, and as he looked at her he saw, as if back from the dead, a little glimmer of the girl he used to know.

"New start?" She questioned. He lightly tapped her mug with his and returned her hesitant smile.

"Yes, new start, old friend."


	24. Chapter 23: One By One

**Chapter 23 One by One**

There was a list in her pocket of all the people she wanted to see, Remus called it her shopping list and laughed at her, but she knew she needed order right now, and order came from lists, it always had done. OCD be damned, she was a list person. He'd helped her draw up the list and had steadfastly insisted that she wouldn't feel she'd finished until she made this visit.

It started off easily; Molly Weasley had just been relieved to see that one of her children, adopted or otherwise, was back on track and had immediately tried to press her into an action plan for snatching George back from the jaws of darkness. As far as Molly was concerned Hermione was her old self again and she hoped she wouldn't be too disappointed if, and when, she slipped up. This wasn't going to be an immediate change in her, she knew that.

The twins had been equally welcoming and forgiving and it appeared George might not need the kidnap and 24 shift watch Molly had begun to plot. Much like her drink spiking experience, George's temporarily missing leg had sobered him up a little and it had been two weeks since he'd thought about taking a drink. They joked between them that they were finally growing up, who knew, it could even be true.

But as she scanned down the list her heart sank. The rest wouldn't be quite such a pleasant experience, and it was the ones she was trying to cross off today which she was truly dreading.

_Mum_

_Dad_

_Ginny_

_Ron_

The muggle graveyard hadn't changed in the time she had avoided it, and as she placed her flowers on the graves of her parents she blushed as she apologised for her two year absence. It had been hard to pass through the gates, let alone walk the fifty meters to the sight of their graves. These people had loved her no matter what, but they had never understood her and she wondered how they would deal with the recent events of her life. How long would they be angry for? How disappointed would her father be to have seen his little girl end up in such a mess?

"I'm sorry Daddy."

She'd never truly allowed herself to miss them; it seemed like too great a task, better to be shut away, grief postponed for another day. And today was that day, today was the day she would say goodbye to lost loved ones, and try to lighten some of the weight on her heart.

Remus had gently explained that she would never move on until she let go; she wasn't to blame and she couldn't fix it. All that was left was to love them, and that she was capable of. After all, she'd never had a problem loving the dead; it was the living she struggled with.

But before she said goodbye she sat with her legs crossed and poured out every little secret, every dark shame and she asked their forgiveness. Then she told them about her fondest memories, their holidays together, her father reading her The Hobbit every night before bed, the welcome normalcy of her home on the first few days of the Hogwarts holidays.

And then she cried, she cried so much, and for so long, that her eyes burned and her lungs desperately drew in air. She cried for every bit of pain in her chest that came with missing them, and she cried when she said she loved them, and when she walked away.

The visit to her parents had been hard, but the next visit was the one that truly terrified her. The arch above the entrance proved to be an impenetrable barrier, so she sat on the ground again and she waited for the strength to continue. She read the inscription on the wall again and again;

_For those who fell in defence of a brighter future_

_May they live on in our hearts and minds, forever young._

A brighter future, that's what they'd wanted, it's what they'd all fought for. Every drop of blood and every tear had been shed in pursuit of that better future and now they were here, living it. And what a fine job she was doing.

Sirius had been right, Ron would have been ashamed of her. Oh yes, he would have understood as she'd said. But he wouldn't have been gentle in his condemnation of her actions. The words stupid bint popped in to her head and unexpectedly made her smile. She hadn't smiled in memory of him in some time; it had all been missed chances and lost love, never celebrating what they had been, what he had been. Perhaps it was time she started.

Sirius had once told her that the only thing that made losing James and Lilly any easier had been recalling their best times together, whether it was in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room or celebrating Harry's birth. Hermione could have written 20 volumes full of her happiest memories of Ron and Ginny, of Professor McGonnegall and Dumbledore. She could have told story upon story of Seamus and Pavrati, every one of them had played such an integral part in shaping her experiences, forming her soul. So maybe it as time to start focusing on those? Maybe it was time she started to honour her dead.

She'd read once of an American President who had stated;

"The problem in defense is how far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without."

And that's what she had almost done, defended herself and her friends to the end but almost destroyed herself in the process. The thoughts were just another nail in the coffin of her determination to regain her self, and she knew that wouldn't start to happen until she stepped through that arch.

Unbeknown to her the same eyes that had watched her almost a week ago were watching her again. Sirius was beginning to wonder if he was in fact stalking her, intentional or not. It was 23 years since James and Lilly's death, just over since Marlene's family had all died at the hands of his delightful cousin, everyone knew she'd done it on purpose; make sure the blood traitor had nothing left.

He had come to have his own private memorial for them, as he wished he'd been able to do every year before. He'd seen Hermione apparate to the edge of the graveyard and pause at the entrance. He had a clear view from Marlene's grave and he sat in quiet for the hour it took Hermione to make it through.

There was no doubt that he was angry. Remus seemed to have forgiven her completely, reminding him with a not quite gentle tone that;

"_She was here for 8 years when you weren't Sirius, I'm sorry she's hurt you but we went through a lot together. That won't vanish overnight."_

He gone on to explain that she was planning a new start, making amends, and he should expect a visit from her.

Well he didn't want one. Every time he saw her it was a tossup between cursing her and fucking her and it was playing merry hell with his calm. He loved her more than he thought possible and she'd given him nothing. He was terrified that when she finally came knocking on his door she'd show him some of the softness he knew she had as well as the strength which had drawn him in the first place, show him a sight of the person he knew was still there, and it would kill him. So he was determined not to let her.

He watched her as she made a slightly unsteady walk across the cemetery, marvelled at her ability to be so lost in thought that she wasn't even aware of him. From here he could see the scar on her leg, twisting from her knee half way down her thigh, clearly using a glamour took too much control on a day like today.

His eyes were glued to her as she knelt at each grave in turn, muttering words he was too far away to hear. He wondered how it was possible that he hadn't noticed how much weight she'd lost when he'd seen her at Phasmatis, he'd probably been too angry, too burned. She was so slight as she knelt at Ron's grave he felt a brief pang of concern before he shoved it down deep inside. Hermione thought she was the master at suppressing feelings? She would find she could learn a lot from him.

He watched as she let the tears fall, slowly tracing the words on his gravestone. He'd visited earlier to pay his respects and he knew what she was reading.

_Ronald Weasley_

_War Hero_

_A man who gave everything for those he loved_

_May he always be remembered_

It was simple, to the point, exactly what he would have wanted.

He was her straighten up and drop a kiss on to the headstone, thought her saw her mouth form the words;

_Thank you_

As she walked away she examined her feelings intensely. Remus had been right, as always, she felt lighter. She couldn't say she felt happy, how could anyone feel happy at the end of such a day? She felt a bittersweet mix of sadness at their loss and joy at the memories of them she'd focused on today. The feeling sat inside her like an ache, but it wasn't the all encompassing pain she was used to. These people would always be a part of her, but today she had let them go. Today she had paid homage to their legacies and lives and she had said her good-byes to all of them, she had promised them all she would do better, would make them proud of her again, one by one.


	25. Chapter 24: I'll Never Stop Wanting You

_I don't know about you, but when I think about Sirius, I think about sex..._

**Chapter 24 I'll Never Stop Wanting You**

Harry had been surprisingly forgiving; it was Luna who'd stuck the knife in, but not for long. Hermione had been admiring little James, she was amazed how big he had grown and Luna had remarked, almost without thinking;

"Well of course you'd know if you'd bothered to come and see him in the last three months."

Harry had looked at his wife in shock, she was usually so placid and calm, but Hermione's seeming disinterest in her son had riled her up and it wasn't until she saw Hermione's tears that she softened.

"I'm sorry Hermione, I didn't mean to upset you, I'm a little short fused right now, we don't get much sleep you know!"

Hermione had smiled at her gratefully and voiced her own apology.

"No, I'm sorry, I've been awful I know. I promise I'll be around more, and I'll be a good example, believe me, I'll have him staking out the library in no time!" She'd reached into her bag, searching for a tissue to mop up the tears;

"And ignore the tears, for some reason I can't stop crying," she'd laughed through her tears as Harry had passed her a hankie.

"I'm a wreck." Harry patted her hand in his typically awkward way.

"You might be a wreck, but you're our wreck, and we couldn't be happier to have you back."

She sniffed again and smiled properly this time;

"Thanks... I think."

She stood outside Sirius' apartment door for a full half hour, her hand would reach up for the bell and then she'd pull it back as if it could burn her, metaphorically speaking it probably could. She turned and walked away, made it two paces and turned back again. She repeated this ritual over and over again, each time worrying for her sanity a little bit more and forming her own private mantra;

_You're a wreck, you're a wreck, you're a wreck and a lunatic_

She nearly jumped out of her skin when the door was wrenched open.

"Are you stalking me?" His tone was harsh, his eyes dark.

"What?"

"Did I stutter? Are. You. Stalking. Me? That's what stalkers do you know, they hang around outside people's houses without letting the person they're stalking know they're there."

His tone wasn't helping and she found herself snapping back without meaning to;

"Well you'd know all about stalking wouldn't you. How long were you watching me at Phasmartis?"

If it was possible his eyes became even darker.

"You're bloody lucky I was there." He almost growled it.

He was right, she knew he was, and she'd promised herself she would try and be honest with him.

"I know."

Her admission seemed to take the wind out of his sales and he stepped back from the door to allow her in.

"Well, I'm sure you've come with some interesting tale of redemption or other. Let's get this over with shall we?"

For a second she gave serious consideration to just walking away, but he was here, right in front of her, looking like a god as always, and she needed to know if there was any way to salvage things. She needed to know if there was any point in making her final admission of guilt, that she loved him after all.

Merlin knows it hadn't taken her by surprise, deep down she'd had her suspicions months ago, but now, maybe, she could say it out loud and they could have a chance together again. So she steeled herself for whatever lay over the threshold and walked through the door.

His apartment hadn't changed a bit and she felt herself grow flushed at the sight of so many places they had christened together, hot and sweaty and furious in their need for each other. Wanting this 

man had never been an issue, even now when she was embarrassed and afraid, her body was crying out for him.

She ran her hand over the back of the sofa where they had claimed each other time and time again, he was watching her and when her eyes rose to meet his she was surprise their weren't sparks crackling in the air between them. Every word of the speech she'd had planned out flew from her mind. She'd taken so long to think of the right words, words of apology, words of love, words of forever. But nothing came out; they stood there, in silence, gazing at each other. He took a step forward and involuntarily she took a step back. This was not the Sirius she had been with in this room; his eyes looked more like they had when they had rescued him from the Dementors so long ago. But it didn't stop her wanting him, didn't stop her loving him, she honestly doubted that anything could.

Another step forward and another step back, he didn't let this one go.

"Scared of me Hermione? You should be. I've been doing pretty well, but I think you might have set me back a bit by coming here. I have an overwhelming urge to punish you for what you've done."

His words were harsh, but his tone was like a caress and she felt the heat pool between her legs, she tried once again to form a sentence that might get things back on track but the only words she could think of were;

"Do it."

He stopped his slow movement towards her.

"What?"

"Do it, punish me, make me feel what I've done Sirius."

His eyes flickered over her and his gaze felt like a touch, she was burning, positively burning. He could take her and then throw her out on to the street, she didn't care, couldn't care, she just had to have him, even if it was the very last time, especially if it was the very last time. She hadn't been prepared for this, for how strongly her body remembered his, for how much his smell attacked every one of her senses, she could almost taste him, she was crying out to do so.

"Hermione..." There was doubt in his voice and she pushed it away as she walked towards him,

"No, we need this, I need this. I have things to say but perhaps now isn't the time. Take me and do what you will, never speak to me again, hate me forever, just don't make me walk out of this room without giving me one last chance to be with you, however it might be."

Her back was against the wall before she knew what was happening, and his lips were angrily pressing against hers. His hands were in her hair and he was pulling harder than usual and it was delicious. This was it, this was what she deserved from him, he could pour all his anger into her and she would take it, she needed to take it. She could feel him everywhere, his skin tasted like salt and spice and his body felt like salvation underneath her hands. She was grasping and clutching as he bit down on her shoulder, moaning as his hands grabbed her arse and she felt his hips thrust against hers, felt how much he wanted her.

"I'm sorry..." The first words of her speech finally came out as he ripped her t-shirt from her body.

"I'm so sorry.." as he pulled the straps of her bra from her shoulders and tugged the material down.

"I was wrong..." His mouth latched on to her nipple, hot and wet and like a bolt of lightning right to the centre of her, there was a very real chance that she could come from this alone. His stubble was running against her skin and she knew there would be marks left behind, it felt like a brand to her, one she couldn't resist.

"And stupid..." as she was spun round, her face meeting the wall, cool against her burning skin, his hands roamed over her backside, a stinging slap driving her higher. He stroked her roughly, then he slapped again and she cried out;

"You were right... you were so right." The words were becoming harder now as he pushed her skirt up and pulled down her panties, exposing her to the air and to the rough touch of his hands which almost had her begging for release.

There was no foreplay, no sweet caress of passionate exploration of each other's bodies, only the two of them alive with need and lousy with regret.

"I love you," as he pushed into her without warning, tearing a groan from her lips. He had always felt so right inside her, strong and large and as if he completed her. He paused and she heard him bite back a groan of his own.

"Shut up Hermione, just shut the fuck up," as he pushed into her again, pounding her against the wall, letting out all of his frustration, letting her feel his rage against her, inside her. She was gasping, her knees started to buckle but he pulled her up painfully hard by her hips, she didn't mind though, 

she knew she would treasure those bruises in the aftermath. The thing she had feared, no dreaded the most on her way here was indifference. It was the blank cold look she had seen Sirius use on so many before her who had insulted or grieved him in some way. But this, this was anything but indifference, this was violent and messy and probably wrong on all sorts of levels but she loved it, and she knew for certain now that she loved him.

She felt the familiar ball of tension begin to grow inside her as he grabbed her hair again and forced her back to arch, making the feel of him as he moved inside her all the more perfect, her breath was coming more like pants now and she knew she was close, so close.

"Is this what you wanted?" His voice was rough as well and she recognised the signs, she was determined to get her words out one more time.

"I love you."

"Is this why you came here?" His hand came round to pinch her clit and she came with a sea of stars flashing before her eyes as he followed behind her.

For a moment they stayed, joined with each other, before he withdrew abruptly and her legs finally did buckle, letting her slump to the floor.

"No..." she was still panting, she thought he must have heard her heartbeat from the other side of the room where he had retreated.

"... no, I came to say this. I'm sorry, I was wrong, you were right, I love you."

He just stared at her for a moment, as if he wasn't quite sure what he was hearing. He took a step towards her, a step back, turned to the side and ran his hand through his hair, and all the time she watched, and waited for his reaction, her violently beating heart in her throat.

Finally he seemed to pull himself together, she was ready for whatever he threw at her but she still flinched as her shirt hit her in the face.

"Get out." With that he was gone.


	26. Chapter 25: Recrimination

_Hello people, thank you, once again, for the reviews. I've been an avid fanfiction junkie for longer than I care to mention, but this is my first foray into actually writing one, so your words mean a lot to me. Keep them coming!_

**Chapter 25 Recrimination**

He'd known it wouldn't be long until his actions caught up with him and he wasn't disappointed. It couldn't have been more than four hours since he'd apparated away, leaving her naked and beautiful on the floor, before Remus caught up with him.

He'd always felt that Serenity was the wrong name for this bar, judging by the clientele they were far from experiencing this emotion, if they could even spell it. But the beer was cold and the whisky was quick in coming and this corner of the bar was suitably dark for a wizard who wanted to be alone with his shame.

What had he been thinking? His hands nearly burned with the memory of how rough they had been with her, and his mind solidly refused to remember the depth of emotion in her eyes when she'd begged him to take his anger out on her, or how right it had felt to be inside her again. He knew that they couldn't be, he'd never trusted that easily to begin with and twice now she had knocked back his feelings for her.

Never mind that she'd warned him, never mind that everyone had warned him, she'd known he was falling for her and she should have stopped before it got too late. She was just as weak as he was. He'd known as soon as his wards had gone off that it was her at his door and he'd had a stern, and long, word with himself before he'd opened the door. Listing all the reason why she should never set foot in his home again.

There was no way he could believe her, that was the problem really. She might love him, but he doubted it, and deep down he knew he'd never believe her, and that doubt would eat at him it would anger him, and it would make him into the man he'd been tonight. But she'd been there, still looking fragile, but also, somehow, looking fresh, and young, and soft, the very softness he'd been dreading. She looked healthy if not happy, still too thin, and still a little too tense, but her eyes were clearer then he'd ever seen and he was suddenly struck by how beautiful they were.

He'd seen her pace backwards and forwards through the spy-hole and, when it had become too much and he'd opened the door; he'd known immediately that it had been a mistake. He was right back where he'd started; totally and completely in love with someone he would never be with.

The slam of a glass on the table startled him from his haze and he noticed Remus as he settled into the chair opposite him.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Ah, familiar territory here.

"I wasn't."

"Clearly."

They both paused for a moment, unsure of which subject to tackle first. Sirius felt a bitter burn rise up inside him as he saw his friend's troubled gaze.

"So she ran to you did she? Figures."

Remus took a swig of his whisky and frowned at him.

"If you mean what I think you mean by that then you're more of an idiot then I gave you credit for. She didn't run anywhere apart from home, I just happened to show up as she arrived."

Sirius looked away, not quite willing to admit he'd been unfair in his judgement of her.

"She's a mess, what the hell did you do to her? She tried to glamour the bruises but she wasn't quick enough and I stopped her, she refused to tell me what happened, made up some bullshit story about falling down the stairs. I don't know about you but I've never seen Hermione put a foot out of place. It was you wasn't it?"

_Yes, it was me, it was me and I'm horrific._

He might be able to admit it to himself but he still felt that she was the one in the wrong.

"Look, I don't need this judgement crap from you right now."

"Obviously you do."

"No, I don't, she never should have come. It's quite clear that we shouldn't be in the same room together, I didn't do anything she didn't want..." He lowered his tone slightly, finally looking Remus in the eye;

"... that's the worrying thing."

Remus relaxed slightly, safe in the knowledge that his friend hadn't gone completely over the edge. If he said it was mutual then it was mutual, simple as that, he'd never really thought otherwise.

"Couldn't you just have sent her away?"

"I did."

"No you idiot, _before, _couldn't you have sent her away before."

"No I couldn't."

"Why on earth not, surely this isn't what you want? Her bruised and you hiding in what, can I just say, is one of the most disgusting bars I've ever had the pleasure of tracking you down in."

Sirius cracked a smile at this, feeling like maybe he could let his guard down a little, after all it was his brother across the table from him, the man who knew him better than anyone, maybe he could offer some Remus insight and make the whole problem go away.

"Of course it wasn't what I wanted, but I'm weak, I'm weak and pathetic and all I think when I see her is how much I hate her and how much I want her."

"Right."

"And she's there and she's begging me with her eyes, and she's saying she loves me, and two months ago I would have given anything to hear it, and now it just feels like a kick in the nuts."

Remus took another sip of his drink, choosing his words carefully;

"I think she might be telling the truth there you know."

Sirius snorted into his beer;

"Bollocks, besides it's too fucking late for that isn't it?"

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"Right."

"Right."

"Another drink?"

"I think so, don't you?"

And he'd stayed with him through the night, steadfastly avoiding any mention of the witch he'd left with suspiciously bright eyes and a wince in every movement. He didn't mention new beginnings and fresh starts, he didn't mention forgiveness. He simply stayed with his friend and later, when he poured him into bed he apparated back to his wife, never having been so grateful that the two of them had managed to see past their mistakes before it had been too late.


	27. Chapter 26: Just the Beginning

**Chapter 26 Just the Beginning**

Fucking wizards, just apparating to god knows where. Hermione was painfully conscious that she had done something very, very similar to him at one point and she wondered if this was Karma come back to bite her.

Her apartment seemed so empty as she opened the door, of course it was empty, it was always bloody empty, she lived alone, but something about the stillness inside filled her with loneliness. Letters had piled up by the handful over the last few days and she knew she was painfully behind with her cases. Well that's what came of life defining moments she supposed, they didn't always take the more mundane issues, such as work, into account.

With a sigh she transferred them to her desk and set about wading through the first dozen, the rest would have to wait, this witch was in need of some sleep, and a bath, she was bruised and tender and it was going to a hot bath before she went to bed.

She mixed a healing potion into her tea and stirred it absent mindedly as she read through the first letters. She sighed again and ran her hand through her hair; somewhere along the line her work had started to leave her a little short on the buzz it used to provide. Maybe there was something else out there she could try for a while, something better, something she could feel proud of for the right reasons.

She knew she would never work for the ministry, Hermione had not forgiven them for their actions during the war and although the people she'd fought alongside now ruled the wizarding world, she knew there were enough of the old guard in place to frustrate her with their superior attitudes, the werewolf rights seminar had proven that to her. Well who knows, she would see what came to mind, for the moment she would deal with her current cases and refuse any new ones. She was lucky to have the money available to relax for a while, and Merlin knows she needed to relax. She should have spent the summer at the coast, she usually did, but she had known everyone else would be down there and happy families had not been attractive at the time.

Things were different now though, everything was different. She could keep the memory of the feel of him from invading her, she'd told him how she felt but she knew it wasn't at the most sensible of moments, and she doubted he'd fully taken it in, or believed her. Well she would just have to make him believe her, she'd never given up and she wasn't about to start now. He would listen to her, she was sure of it, she just had to find the right moment, and keep her clothes on.

She spotted a familiar looking envelope and her heart sank. This was the most recent in a long line of abusive owls she had been getting. Apparently not everyone shared Malfoy's live and let live policy.

_Mudblood whore _had been a favourite of this particular writer, as well as _blight on the face of the wizarding world, _and her own personal favourite; _who are you to live when so many real witches and wizards have died? _Well that couldn't hurt her; it was something she had asked herself time and time again, but she'd phrased it _better witches and wizards, _she was as real a witch as anyone, a belief she had never let go of.

This time though, the envelope unsettled her more than usual, something about it felt off and she felt a tingle running through her hands when she picked it up. More importantly she felt a tingle running through the scar on her stomach, _this was new. _She placed a hand on the scar under her shirt and she could feel the heat radiating from the wound.

She threw the letter back onto the table and backed away; feeling like it was following her movements with a malevolent gaze. She could feel panic rise up inside her, her heart was beating furiously again and her mouth was dry, god a drink, she wanted a drink, or a smoke or something. She sat on the edge of the sofa, refusing to take her eyes off the letter; something in there was calling to the dark mark branded into her flesh all those years ago, the mark that had remained still for three years now. It hadn't shown any signs of life and now it was tingling and burning and terrifying her. Well mission accomplished, hadn't that been what Bellatrix had wanted all along?

She quickly ran through the list of people she could go to with this, she wasn't foolish enough to open it, thank Merlin, although she may have been just a few short weeks ago. Harry was out, she wouldn't take this thing, whatever it was, within reach of James, Remus and Tonks were out for the same reason. Molly wouldn't be able to help and Bill was away, leaving his family at The Burrow. Charlie was in Romania and the Twins weren't exactly that she was looking for.

That left two people, Draco and Sirius. Right, Draco it was.

It was late, she knew, and she was less than surprised to hear a muffled curse as footsteps made their way towards the door.

"Granger, this had better be good."

"Sorry, good isn't the word I'd use." She opened her bag and showed him the letter.

"So? It's a letter, so what?"

She frowned and opened the bag wider, reluctant to let him touch it but desperate to know if it had the same affect on him.

"I'm not convinced it is just a letter Draco. I know it's from this freak who keeps sending me hate mail, usually it's just a couple of lines bemoaning my mudblood status, but this is different, this feels different." She pulled up the hem of her shirt and let him see the mark.

"I can't glamour it when this is around Draco." It didn't even occur to her what she'd done until she saw his startled eyes. Realisation seemed to hit him and he grabbed his own arm, feeling the heat travel through his shirt sleeve.

"Fuck."

"Exactly."

It was almost a mirror image of the scene in her flat. The letter lay on the table and the two of them sat back across the room and observed it in silence, trying to process what this could mean.

The sun was coming up and Hermione realised with a start that they must have been sitting there for at least two hours. _How time flies when you're struck dumb with fear._

"I don't think we should open this Hermione."

"I'm with you there, but we have to do something."

"Yes, we have to get someone else. This could be designed to harm both of us, you're a mudblood and I'm a blood-traitor." There was no malice in the term and she let it go without incident.

"Well who the hell are we going to get? Remus is a half-breed, Sirius is a blood traitor and Harry is the bloody scourge of the dark magic world?"

"Agreed, but none of them have the mark do they? At the very least we should tell them. There will be hell to pay if we don't, and quite frankly I want this thing out of the house while Melissa is here."

Hermione felt a stab of guilt;

"I'm sorry, everyone else has children, I couldn't think who else to go to."

He placed a hand on her arm and squeezed gently.

"It's fine Granger, you did the right thing, I'm glad you didn't open it on your own."

Hermione sat as far away from the thing as she could while Draco flooed their nearest and dearest. Her stomach was troubling her more and more the longer she was around this thing, but she knew she couldn't leave it unattended for fear of what it might do. _Talk about the power of the written word_ she thought with a half smile.

"Right," Draco was back and all business, Hermione was happy to let him take command. The events of the evening were becoming more than a little too much, first Sirius and now this. Hadn't she been on a mission to make life better? That had turned out nicely, obviously.

"We're going to Grimmauld Place. It's the only place where no one else lives, we won't put anyone else in danger and we can all get through the wards." He noticed her peaky look and tired eyes.

"Come on Granger, you can floo with me."

With his strong arms around her she felt momentarily safe, but then she felt the mark squirm on her stomach again and with sickening certainty she knew that this was just the beginning.


	28. Chapter 27: Prisoners at War

**Chapter 27 Prisoners at War**

"No, abso-fucking-lutlely not."

"Don't I get a say in this? I'm not a child."

"Both of you need to see sense."

"I'm seeing sense, Hermione is seeing sense, we shouldn't let such a momentous occasion go unnoticed."

"Bite me Sirius."

"With relish."

Remus sighed an looked around the small group for help, but each one at the table was desperately avoiding his gaze, no one wanted to get involved in this, even his own wife was staring at something interesting on the wall above his head. _Traitor._

"Look, Hermione, you need to be out of your apartment, this person clearly knows where you live." Hermione kicked the table leg like a child in a temper but she didn't disagree. In truth her home was not feeling like the most secure place on earth right now.

"And Sirius where else do you propose she goes? At my house with Teddy? With Luna and James? To the burrow with half the Weasley family? The wards on this house have stood the test of time; no one has ever made their way in here unwanted, where else can we say that about?"

Everyone knew it wasn't the best solution. Hermione's letter had proved itself to be a little more than a death threat, it was an actual attempt on her life which was only thwarted because Bill Weasley had come back to break the curse. That letter had meant her harm, serious damaging harm, and it had scared the hell out of both her and Draco, not something which happened often and an event which left them all with a feeling of unease.

Most people in the room were reeling from their first glimpse of Hermione's scars, she hadn't been able to hide them when the letter had been around and she seemed to have forgotten to replace the glamours once it had been destroyed. Admittedly you could only see the ones on her arm and leg but they all knew what was under the clothing now and it had chilled them.

The plan was to move her to Grimmauld while they took the time to figure out who, or what, this was about. As far as they were concerned the Dark Magic world had been quiet over the last three years, with only the odd crackpot and occasional left over Death Eater keeping the Aurors busy. But this was something different.

"Why can't you stay here then?" Sirius' tone was slightly less petulant, he knew he'd already lost the battle and now he was casting round desperately for a solution.

"I'm not leaving my family because of your personal issues... Neither is Harry before you ask. "

"Well what about Malfoy?"

"He's gone."

"What? Gone where?"

"Anywhere but here he said. Apparently Melissa is pregnant. He'll be back if needed but I don't think this qualifies."

"So it's just me then? Bollocks."

Silence reigned for another few minutes as each person measured the implications of recent events. Eventually though, it had to break.

"I'm sorry, can I just say something? I really don't think anyone needs to be here with me."

"Yes, because you've proven yourself to be so safe on your own. Blaise Zabini anyone?"

"Fuck off Sirius."

"No, you fuck off. Sorry Molly"

"Oh, that's mature, stop being a child."

"Takes one to know one sweetheart."

With that Hermione gave a scream of frustration and paced the kitchen floor, rounding on Remus and pointing at his best friend;

"Are you honestly telling me I have no choice? This is my only option? Stay here, with him? Just us, alone, together?"

"Yes. I'm sorry but that's it."

"Fucking great. Sorry Molly."

"I'm no happier about it than you are."

"That's obvious."

Molly nervously poured the tea as everyone remained silent and the two new occupants of the house glowered at each other from across the room. Sirius couldn't believe what was happening. One day on from swearing he would never be in the same place as her again and now this. Arguments with the Order in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, a house he hated and was trapped in again. He really was back.

She knew they were surprised at her, she imagined Remus might even have thought she'd be happy to be in such close quarters to Sirius again, but he couldn't have been further from the truth. She was tired and hungry and more than a little unsteady in both mind and body. Last night she'd had some of the most unbelievable sex with this man and then been abandoned on the floor, she'd gone home to an empty apartment in an empty life and someone had tried to kill her.

She wanted her bath, her bed, her kitchen, anything but this dark dreary house. And as for Sirius, well he clearly couldn't be less pleased with the plan; she could feel anger pouring out of him towards her, last night had obviously done nothing to abate it. He didn't trust her, she knew it, and this was going to be hell.

But she was rational, and she knew it was the right idea. The curse that had been hidden in the letter was something that none of them recognised and she was determined to get to the bottom of it, at least this library specialised in dark magic, if she couldn't find answers here then she doubted she could anywhere.

She silently unpacked her stuff once everyone had made their way home. Harry had squeezed her shoulder reassuringly;

"_I'll be here as often as I can. Take it easy with Sirius, we have more important things to worry about."_

"_I think you should be telling him that."_

"_I know."_

So far so awkward, they'd put Hermione in a room on the same floor as his for security's sake and she'd seen him withdraw to his room with a less than muffled;

"Fucking bitch."

Excellent, this was going to turn out well.

It was four hours before he approached her, sooner than she expected in truth.

"You need to know about the measures in place."

"I know all about them Sirius, I've spent some time in this house too you know."

"Actually little miss know it all we've amped things up a bit. Even I don't want to see you come to any harm."

He'd virtually snarled the last words and she couldn't help the words she spat our back at him;

"Unless it's at your hands you mean?"

He flinched; she seemed to be an expert at making him do that and she felt guilty immediately.

"I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

Something of the Sirius he used to be shone through for a second;

"No, it was fair."

"No it wasn't."

"Let's not argue about this hey?"

"OK, agreed. But you're wrong."

"Good to see you're as stubborn as always."

"Likewise."

They fell into silence, both unsure how to proceed. She busied herself making tea, it was always fucking tea and she really could have killed for something stronger. But she knew it wasn't an option, 

one day she might be able to have a sensible glass or two of wine with her friends, but drinking under these circumstances could only lead to trouble.

"I think we need to talk." He still sounded like the Sirius she loved and she was reluctant to say anything which might change it. She knew he was angry with her and she knew she deserved it, but it didn't mean she was happy about the vitriol he'd taken to spitting in her direction. She just stared at him for a moment before he spoke again.

"But later, maybe. Let me show you the new alarms."

He took her from room to room showing her panic alarms in every room she might have cause to visit; he looked a little sheepish as he showed her the one in his room.

"Obviously you won't have cause to use this... but just in case... it's for me really... Remus made me put one here..." He tailed off, embarrassed and she hid a small smile.

"It's on the bed knob, really?"

"Yes, just twist it and it will alert everyone, just like the others, why?"

"You'll be telling me there's one in a broomstick next."

"What?"

"Never mind, muggle joke."

He looked at her with a crooked smile which immediately made her want to lick him.

"Right."

Oh, this was going to be awful.


	29. Chapter 28: The Odd Couple

**Chapter 28 The Odd Couple**

If there was one thing both of them were good at it was putting their feelings down on paper. But quite frankly Hermione was beginning to believe she had lost her mojo. Sirius' letter to her had been like nothing she'd seen, so honest and kind despite all the hurt she'd caused him. She however was stuck with four phrases she'd already said;

I'm sorry

I was wrong and stupid

You were right

I love you

It didn't make much of a letter to be honest, she flirted briefly with the idea of doing as he had done, and baring her soul completely, but she wouldn't really know where to start. The last eight years had helped to turn her into the person who had broken his heart and she could have filled a book with that, never mind a letter.

So she let it go, for the moment anyway. It had been two weeks since she'd moved into this house with Sirius and she grew to respect him more and more every day. How on earth he'd managed to remain sane trapped in this god awful place was a mystery to her. She had quite quickly turned to talking to herself to while away the hours that he was at work, not that they talked when he was home, but it always felt a little less awful with another heartbeat in the house.

They had always had the ability to settle into a routine without discussing it, and this was no different. The talk that Sirius had alluded to on her first evening here had never materialised and they did their very best to avoid each other.

She would wait until he had left for work before she crept out of her room, he knew that she would have dinner at 7 and go back to the library at 8 so he never came home before then. She would cook with the muggle radio to keep her company, or occasionally Harry, Remus or one of the others when they dropped in the update her with their lack of progress in finding out who had tried to kill her. Each day that went by made her more determined to find some answers in the dark books of the Black library.

On the odd occasion that they met face to face it usually resulted in an argument. She tried to stay calm, knew she had been in the wrong, but his anger towards her riled him up and he pushed and pushed at her until she slipped and shouted back, leaving them both furious, chests heaving and eyes flashing. She was beginning to think that he was losing the moral high ground, and one or the other of them always had to walk away before they ended up in a similar situation as they had done that night in his apartment.

Not that either of them could stop their day dreams, every time she saw him, or smelt him or heard him even she felt her stomach clench in need. If it was possible she wanted him more and more every day, but she wouldn't beg, wouldn't try, he would have to make his decisions for himself. She knew he was struggling as much as she was, night after night she would hear his footsteps pause outside her door for at least a minute while she listened silently from the other side. Then he would storm towards his room and slam his door with a force that made the walls shake.

But at least he respected her need for calm in the library. He never brought their rows into this room. In fact, in a rare moment of sweetness towards her he had brought every photo and memento from her own library and left them for her to find in this one. Her heart had yearned for him then, he knew how much these memories mean to her. And she worked better with them around, time after time she would direct her questions towards Professor McGonegall, hoping something in her mentor's eye would direct her towards the right answer.

Everything she had seen so far was leading her to believe the curse was Far Eastern in origin. The two wizarding worlds of East and West had remained almost completely separate for hundreds of years, but as with the boundaries between magic and muggle, the closed doors between East and West were beginning to open. She knew of at least three countries which had a strong magical tradition; China, Thailand and Cambodia, and Merlin knew how many other communities there were spread throughout the Continent, she would never believe that Japan was a stranger to magic, that country had always seemed mystical to her.

She had tried book after book and all she could find were damning condemnations of the savagery of the Asian magical world; bloody English pureblood nonsense, it was like reading a muggle history book from Victorian times, all caught up with the unholy carry-ons of the colonial natives.

She cursed the damn letter for the third time today. It had allowed them to read it just once before snapping shut and resisting all attempts to re-open it. The words were mostly ingrained on her brain though;

_Dear Mudblood Whore_

_The time is now. For years we have bided our time, we have waited and watched in the shadows as you and your friends have flaunted your impurities for the world to see. _

_Play-time is over; let your remains be a warning to all of your kind. We are back, and this time we will not be denied._

_N..._

And there her memory failed her, she knew it wasn't English but Merlin help her she couldn't remember the word, no one could remember the word no matter how hard she pestered. She had even plucked up the courage to ask Sirius one night;

"_I'm sorry, I don't know, was there anything else?"_

"_No." And the door gently closed in her face._

"Well there's nothing doing now," she shut the book with a snap, she would have to wait and see if it came to her. She had tried every spell in her arsenal to open the damn thing despite the fact that she really didn't want to read it again. It wasn't particularly violent in tone, it didn't taunt her like the others had done, as far as she could see it was exactly what it said it was, a warning to whoever had found her body, it had definitely been designed to kill her.

She wondered into the kitchen and turned on the radio automatically. No matter how hard she had tried she had never really taken to the music of the magical world, she'd never quite found anything to match the feeling of liberation she got from listening to her favourite songs, today the gods of rock were smiling down on her and she settled into her routine, chopping vegetables and pulling down bottles and spices as she danced around the room.

And that's how he found her. He groaned at the vision in front of him, what had he done? Why were the gods trying to destroy him? Hadn't he paid for whatever sins he'd carried out in a past life, hadn't he given enough? Apparently not, apparently they felt it necessary to send a young, beautiful nubile witch to dance around his kitchen to some ridiculous tune wearing fluffy socks and boxer shorts with her t-shirt failing to hide any of the attributes he'd so desperately tried to ignore.

He watched for longer then he should have done, caught halfway between swooping down and kissing her senseless and demanding to know what the hell she thought she was doing in the kitchen 

during his time? She was never here after 8, never, the knowledge had allowed him to avoid her almost completely. Of course he could still smell her perfume lingering in the room after she'd gone. He could still hear her footsteps padding down the corridor in the middle of the night. He could still see her washing drying above the fire in the evening, apparently drying charms didn't have quite the right effect. Well, the site of her underwear swaying on the line certainly had an effect on him.

As she bent down to search through a low cupboard he finally felt that he had to do something, had to say something, make his presence known. Or he could turn and walk away; she never had to know he was there. Definitely time for plan B, but as he turned his foot slipped slightly and he caught the damned umbrella stand by the door, blasted thing, they should have burned it years ago.

She spun round immediately wand clutched in her hand and eyes wide. Without meaning to she'd let him know exactly how much this attempt on her life had bothered her and he felt a moment of fury at whoever it was that had tried to harm his witch...

_But she's not your witch, you've seen to that; _his inner voice mocked him, as usual, it had been chatting up a storm over the last two weeks and his internal arguments were becoming almost as ferocious as the ones he'd tried to avoid, not always successfully, with Hermione herself.

Well he was busted, might as well suck it up. He stepped down into the kitchen and she gasped in surprise;

"Sirius, what are you doing here? What time is it?" She cast around wildly for the clock, frowning when she saw the hands point resolutely at 8.30.

"Merlin, I'm sorry, I was researching and I lost track of time. I'll leave." She replaced her wooden spoon on the counter top and wiped the vegetable water from her hands on to her t-shirt, only succeeding in making the thin material ever so slightly transparent. She looked down and blushed, crossing her arms over her chest protectively and earning an audible swallow from Sirius.

He took a step towards her and reached out to touch her arm;

"No, stay, let's try having dinner together shall we?" She seemed to be transfixed by the site of his hand on her bare skin and it wasn't until he removed it that she returned his gaze; chocolate brown eyes gazing softly into his.

"That would be lovely Sirius."

And together they sat down and ate a civilised meal, she talked about her findings, he talked about work, they both laughed at the twins antics and she cooed over the recent photos of James. To an 

outsider it may have looked just like any other couple sat down for dinner. But both Sirius and Hermione knew different, they knew this was nothing less than a momentous occasion, a giant leap forward, and for a brief, pleasant moment they revelled in the possibilities.


	30. Chapter 29: All Over Again

**Chapter 29 All Over Again**

Sirius shifted himself delicately out for under the young witch in his arms. He'd been such a fool to sit down here but he'd seen her asleep in front of the fire and was once again overcome by the tenderness he still felt for her that he seemed incapable of showing her when she was awake.

He hoped she had no idea how many nights he had spent on this sofa with her. To be honest he was worried that it was becoming a bit creepy. After they'd had dinner together that night two weeks ago he had tried so hard to give her a chance. But every time he saw the hope in her eyes that told him she felt she was breaking in a little it was like the lights went out. He found himself picking fights with her for any little reason.

She had rejected him, rejected and humiliated him and left him in physical pain which he could only assume was the feel of his heart breaking. He didn't take rejection well at the best of times; he was a Black after all. OK, so he wasn't a muggle hating, hex throwing, dark wizard loving card carrying megalomaniac but he definitely had his moments. He had a horrible suspicion that he was beginning to look like the villain of this piece and Remus had all but confirmed his suspicions at dinner last night.

He'd snapped at Hermione yet again, only this time he'd seen a fire in her eyes which suggested she wasn't going to stand for this much longer. Usually he snapped, then she snapped, then he said something awful and she cried, it was a tried and tested ritual. This time she'd simply stared at him like he'd grown a second head and quietly said;

"You want to be careful Sirius, one day you wake up and the things you take for granted are gone."

And with that she'd left. Leaving him hating himself again and Remus frowning at him in that Professor like manner which drive him insane.

"You're an idiot."

"Please don't start Remus."

"Actually I will, we've all left it alone because we know you've been hurting but enough is enough, you're punishing her and it's gone on for too long. She loves you, you love her, it should be enough. Instead you're pushing her further and further away and as she said, one day you might wake up and find your chance at happy ever after has gone."

As he looked down at her now he wondered how close to the truth it all was. Was there a chance at happy ever after with her? Was there too much water under the bridge? Was he pushing her away? Well that last question was easy, of course he was pushing her away, he was horrible to her most of the time, and when he wasn't he was looking at her as if he could take her there and then while she stared back at him with big brown eyes. Merlin only knew how much of a mess her head must be if his was anything to go by.

He avoided conversations about her declaration of love for him all those weeks ago like the plague. He didn't want to even think about going there until he had things clear in his mind, and he wasn't even close to that stage yet.

Four hours later he dragged his weary body from his bed and staggered to the shower. Bracing himself with a hand against the cold tile of the wall he let the water flow over him like it was life affirming. He wasn't getting much sleep these days, alternating between watching her on the library sofa and tossing and turning in his lonely bed. Something would have to give sooner or later, he just wasn't sure what.

He heard Remu before he saw him;

"Hermione calm down."

"Calm down? Calm the fuck down? How dare he? Following me, drugging me, trying to kill me? I swear, I swear to Merlin Remus, when I get my hands on him I'm going to..."

"It's too late for that Hermione."

"What do you mean?"

"They found Blaise'd body this morning."

Sirius stepped down into the kitchen in time to see Remus place a comforting hand on Hermione's arm. Irrationally the gesture made him growl under his breath.

"Anyone want to fill me in?"

Hermione muttered something about breakfast and went to busy herself with the stove. He looked at Remus with a question in his eyes.

"We know who sent the letter, who'd been sending all the letters. It was Blasie."

"Blaise? For a year? Merlin he was more twisted then we thought. Do we know who killed him?"

"No, but we think it has something to do with Cambodia, Hermione flooed me this morning, she said she's remembered the word, it's Nimol, which is a Cambodia name meaning 'Pure' it's gone out of popularity now because of it's associations with the Khemer Rouge, before that it was quite a popular wizard name for pureblood families. It seems Blaise spent some of the three years he was missing out there."

Sirius took tried to take it all in but something seemed a little off, Remus seemed to be waiting for the questions and he didn't have to wait for long.

"So what? He mounted a one man hate campaign against Hermione, drugged her with less than gentlemanly intentions and then tried to kill her, all because of a few years he spent in the Far East? I don't buy it Remus, I've spent enough time out there on the run to know the Cambodian wizards are among the most peaceful on earth."

Remus looked a little shifty for a moment, as if trying to figure out the best way to break bad news.

"I would have agreed with you once, but there seem to have been some developments. There have been a lot of unexplained disappearances out there, and some attacks on muggle villages. I wasn't really allowed to talk about it and I swear I didn't think it would link at all to Hermione until we found Blaise. The thing is Sirius..." He trailed off and Sirius was suddenly struck by how tired his friend looked, whatever was coming can't have been good, Remus had imparted enough bad news to him over the last year for him to know the signs.

"What Remus? The thing is what?"

"Well, the thing is, the situation is a little more worrying then we first thought. You remember Dean Thomas, from the pub?"

Sirius growled slightly at the memory of his jealousy and nodded.

"Well we sent him out there some time ago to investigate. He clocked in every week without fail. We got the last message a week and a half ago, it was just three words..."

"What three words."

Hermione spun round suddenly, exasperation in her eyes.

"For fuck's sake Remus just spit it out. It said 'Cambodia. Dark Mark.' That was it, nothing else and nothing since. He's gone, vanished without a trace. Let's put the pieces together shall we? A wizard 

from a historically dark magic following family starts to stalk me and then attacks me in a way that reactivates both mine and Draco's marks? He's turns up dead using the Cambodia name for purity as his moniker? Then our contact in the very same country goes missing while investigating attacks and disappearances which bare all the attributes of Dark Magic? What does it add up to hey? A big, fuck off mess, with me right in the middle of it, all over again."


	31. Chapter 30: Just For Tonight

**Chapter 30 Just For Tonight**

The bottle was there and no one was around, no one would know, she could just take it and make a run for it. Sit on the Pagoda in Battersea Park and toast the sunset, kiss good bye to her home for the foreseeable future. Her hand was shaking as it reached for familiar glass, creeping nearer and nearer, the devil on her shoulder wasn't used to being ignored and he was playing havoc with her self control.

They would be leaving tomorrow morning, arrangements were made, bags were packed and goodbye's were said. Well most of them anyway. She would never consider letting anyone go in her place, besides who would go? The ministry had refused to sanction a full Auror search for Dean, in a move which mirrored their attitudes of years gone by they had chosen to remain with their heads firmly buried in the sand, despite Kingsley's best efforts.

Remus had taken and extended leave of absence to come with her, he was the only one of them, outside of Dean himself who had the knowledge and language skills needed, aside from Sirius maybe, but once she had put her foot down and insisted she was going no one had even though to suggest he might accompany her.

The truth was she had the talents needed for this kind of work, she was an excellent tracker, her magical skills were unquestioned and she was brave to a fault, she was also not beholden to The Ministry. Coupled with the fact that one of the seemingly main protagonists of this whole situation had sent her a personal death threat and she was determined.

Still, it didn't mean she had to be happy about events. She was scared, scared and angry and the bottle was just there. She sighed as she drew her hand away and reached instead for the juice, her eye caught sight of one of the many photos scattered around the house. This was of the Golden Trio at the Quidditch World Cup, they were bright eyed with excitement; Merlin how young they looked, how innocent, how hopeful. She hoped he would be proud of her now, knew deep inside that it would have killed him to see what she had turned herself into.

As if answering her prayers she heard a deep voice from the doorway;

"He would be proud of you. He always would, don't ever think differently."

She spun round with a start, but the deep resonant voice had already let her knew who was there.

"I wasn't, I mean, I..."

"Relax Hermione, I saw you pull away from it, it was nothing, a blip, you're doing very well."

He was leaning against the doorframe and his eyes held none of the anger he sometimes seemed to project. Just for now she forgot all about the pain they were causing each other, had caused each other, and just remembered the times when they had talked into the early hours.

She sighed and sat at the table, head in her hands.

"I feel horrible."

"I know."

"I have to go Sirius, there's no choice. There's something not right in the world, I think we all know that and we need to know what, but Merlin, I don't have to be happy about it."

She started as she felt his fingers run over her head, relaxing as he ran his hand through her hair again, it was more reassuring then any words can be, and suddenly she felt the overwhelming need to leave with the slate wiped clean, everything out in the open.

She moved away from him and stood to face him, half sitting, half leaning on the table, secretly using it for support as she put her heart on the line.

"In the end Sirius I guess it all comes down to one thing. I can stand here and swear I'm sorry and declare I love you till I'm blue in the face, but it doesn't mean a thing if you don't still love me. Do you? Do you still love me?"

He followed her lead and stood, but instead of facing her he moved away to stare across the garden in the twilight.

Probably so he can't see my heart breaking, Hermione thought with a stab of panic, things had been better recently, but nothing was as it had been, nothing except her need for him.

"I don't know Hermione. It's been very hard..."

He trailed off and let his hand drop to his side, yet he still refused to look at her.

"You know me, you know I don't trust easily, and it's been hard to get over you. I know you told me, you laid it all out clear as day. You said you'd never be capable of loving anyone again but somehow I still thought it was possible, it seemed so real."

"It was real, it was, I was just blind, blind and stupid and cruel." Hermione pleaded with his back, tears were streaming down her face now but she kept her voice level, wouldn't blackmail him with her grief. He had to come to this decision by himself. If he chose the wrong one then she would just have to fight for him, but not tonight.

"I know, but I find it hard to be sure that you know what you want. Have you any idea what it did to me to hear those words? Even Remus was shocked Hermione, none of us thought you had it in you to be so cold, even after everything."

Hermione winced, this was her just deserts she knew, but the memory of the words she'd spoken coming back to her made her cheeks hot with shame.

"_You're nothing to me Sirius, I don't know what little fantasy world you've built up for us in your mind but it's not real. Maybe you got too good at dreaming while you were locked up..."_

How could she? How could she have thrown that back in his face? Now she would pay for it, words had consequences, she had known that, had banked on it, had tried as hard as she could to push him away and look, it had worked.

She moved towards him, her feet travelling of her own accord, but she was leaving tomorrow, for who knows how long, and the air had to clear somehow before she went.

He flinched against the feel of her hand on his back, but he didn't pull away and she revelled in the feel of his muscles and heat.

"Sirius, I'm leaving tomorrow, I don't know how long I'll be gone but before I go I want to make myself clear. I love you, I did then and I do now, and you should believe me, I've promised myself you'll only get honesty from me now, I owe you that much."

She let her hand travel up his back and watched as her fingers traced along his neck as she walked around to face him. His eyes were closed as if in pain, but only for a moment, when he opened them again she almost moaned at the look on his face, half predatory, half loving, the look that had made her melt time and time again.

"I can't promise you anything Hermione, I don't know how I feel."

She cupped her hand around his cheek and moved her thumb over his lip, in a mirror image of the first move he had ever made on her. He relaxed into her caress and his eyes held steady with hers as she whispered;

"I know, but just let me, just for tonight Sirius, let me love you." And with that she brought her lips up to his, their lips met and it was more soft, more gentle then it had ever been, but as passionate as she could have wished for.


	32. Chapter 31: This is How I Take My Leave

**Chapter 31 This is How I Take My Leave**

Their kisses remained soft as he carefully backed her out the door and towards the stairs. Hands grasped each other, their bodies were reluctant to release contact for even a moment now that they had found each other again. She stifled a moan as he paused and pushed her against the wall. His hands travelled down from her hair to her shoulders as he trailed kisses down her neck and along her shoulder. He felt just as she remembered all those times she had fantasized about this exact moment. Her heart was pounding and she hoped he didn't notice the tremor in her hands as she ran them down his chest and up to grasp his shoulders, she would never get enough of these shoulders, taught and muscled and perfect.

She stumbled slightly as her foot caught on the first step and before she realised it he had scooped her up in his arms and taken the stairs two at a time, only breaking eye contact with her to watch where he was going, not wanting for both of them to end up in a heap at the foot of the stairs.

He fumbled with the door slightly, if she wasn't mistaken he was as nervous as she was, the revelation relaxed her slightly, up until now she had been afraid that he would pull back, draw down the barriers and push her away again. But as he shifted her round so her legs were wrapped round him and she felt him press against her she knew he was in too deep to turn back now.

Bit by bit the gentle nature of their kisses and caresses gave way to the need which had been a trademark of their previous encounters. His hands gripped her more firmly, his fingers digging into her flesh and his teeth nipping at her jaw line. She was on fire, as always when she was in his arms and she wondered how she had ever been stupid enough to push this man away.

He moved them to the chair by the window of his room, clasping her thighs and roughly tugging her towards him so their hips met in an explosion of sensation, the roughness of his jeans pressed against her through her panties as her skirt rose up around her thighs. He groaned as she ran her tongue down his neck, feasting on his skin before she paused to kiss the v of skin exposed by his shirt as she began to unbutton the barrier between her hands and mouth and his chest.

The buttons were small and she fumbled once, and again before her frustration got the better of her as she ripped the cursed shirt open to an accompanying growl from him. She feasted her eyes on his skin and tattoos. But before she could run her tongue across those dark pictures as she'd been dreaming about her caught both her hands behind her back in his and held her still. Her eyes met his and she swallowed at the intensity she saw.

"Trying to take control Hermione?" He growled as he ran his hand down her skin to the top of her top, mirroring her movements. He ran a finger across the top of her blouse and her skin caught fire, with little ceremony he caught the top button between his fingers and flipped it open.

"You know I'm not going to allow that don't you?"

She gulped and nodded as his fingers popped the second button, and the third, kissing each inch of exposed skin so slowly she felt like she could explode. His mouth and his fingers were so close to 

where she wanted them, where she needed them and she writhed under his touch as the fourth button went the way of the previous three, her hips thrust forward into his and he paused and raised an eye brow.

"Nuh uh, easy now little girl, you'll wait until I'm ready, understand?"

She nodded in submission, as she always did, there was no one else who could turn her into this person, someone who wanted to be dominated, controlled. But she knew he didn't so it to subjugate her, to make her less of a person, she knew that it was just a reflection of his need for her, of her need for him, of the fact that she loved to feel his hands around her wrists, loved to feel all of his intensity directed towards her and her alone, and he always needed to know that he was the only one who could do this to her.

His fingers had finished with her shirt and she was busy thanking Merlin that her bra opened from the front as his lips descended to take a nipple between his teeth, tugging slightly in a move that sent a violent wave of pleasure running through her body.

His hand had begun to travel up her thigh, inch by inch, jolt by jolt he crept closer and closer to his goal, her goal, _their _goal.Hermione began to strongly believe that she would go insane from want if he didn't get on with it, but he'd always loved to see her desperate and writhing for his touch. She was leaving tomorrow, they both knew it, and they would take their memories from this night.

He whispered in her ear as his fingers found the elastic at her inner thigh, her hands still caught in his behind her back, denied the pleasure they craved; the position thrust her chest towards his waiting lips and he continued to tease and taunt her with light kisses and nips.

"I've missed you my little witch, I've missed you so much."

For a horrible moment she thought she might cry, but then he dipped inside the thin material and he ran his finger across her ever so gently.

"Oh fuck, oh Merlin Sirius please let me go, I want to touch you, I need to touch you, please."

He smirked but in a sign of mercy he released her hands and he groaned in pleasure as she immediately brought one hand down to his zip and released his hard, throbbing cock without hesitation.

His fingers were now pumping in and out of her, and he bit down on her breast as she took a firm hold of him, the pain turned quickly into pleasure and she moaned his name as he bit down again, leaving the marks she always treasured.

She'd lost track of time again, she always did when they were together, minutes, maybe hours later, when she thought the tension in her belly couldn't get much stronger without her finally coming he ripped the small triangle of fabric from her hips and thrust himself deep and hard inside her.

"Oh, oh, oh please." She rode him harder, faster than ever before, chanting his name to herself like a mantra. He was such a master at controlling himself, controlling her. Where once she had reached for her climax as soon as possible he kept her on the edge, never quite allowing her to roll over it as she moved further and further towards a lack of control.

"Come for me, show me what this does to you, come for me Hermione." He growled in her ear and her body obeyed him immediately as she screamed his name into the night. His hand gripped her shoulder painfully as he came inside her but she wouldn't have changed the feeling for the world.

They clung to each other as they desperately tried to control their heartbeats, his lips nuzzled into her neck just under her ear and she sighed at the touch of him, so solid, so safe. When their breathing had finally returned to normal he picked her up and through her on to the bed, following her with a predatory leer and the promise that;

"We're not nearly finished yet love."

In the morning when he woke up, sore but still horny, and she was gone he didn't feel quite as much of the pang of loss he usually did. His rational side told himself that she'd had to go, she'd places to be, dark wizards to catch. But the pit of doubt inside him questioned her silent exit. He dragged himself from the bed and collapsed into the chair from last night.

He'd been rough, again, he tried so hard to keep control around her but there was something about the way she moaned his name which sent him over the edge every time. He pushed his head back against the chair and cursed the empty room;

"Fuck."

As his head tilted back he caught sight of a piece of parchment on the table. His hand moved of its own accord and as he caught site of the familiar writing his heart gave a lurch.

_Morning trouble_

_I know right now you'll have built yourself up into some indignant state because you've woken up and I've gone. You'll be telling yourself that it's just another drop in the sea of evidence that I don't love you, another reason for you to carry all that anger around._

_But take a minute, sit down, think about it. Why do you think I left? Do you think, just maybe, I did it for your benefit, not mine? Ask yourself where I'd rather be; lying in your arms and watching the sun come up or seeing it from the portkey with Remus wittering in my ear? Everything I've said to you _

_since I've been living at Grimmauld is true, every word I've said. But you don't believe me and I know that, and in truth Sirius, there's only so much of your anger I can take._

_I know you're punishing me, I know I deserve it, but enough now... enough. You would have woken up this morning and been filled with questions all over again and you know how you deal with that, you've done it before. You would have sniped at me until I snapped back, drawn me into an argument I would have tried everything to avoid. You would have left nothing unsaid, spouted all your anger at me, I would have cried, and I would have left while you hated yourself and tried to persuade yourself you hated me._

_I can see you now; you're on that chair aren't you? Remembering how it felt last night, remembering how strong you were, how aggressive, do you feel guilty? Are you wondering how many bruises you left and feeling like less of a man for it? Well don't._

_What you see as aggression I see as passion and truth. Look at your shoulder, that's my truth. Last night I wanted all of you, to climb inside you, to leave my marks on you so you wouldn't, couldn't forget. I love the sight of your hand print on my arm, I've traced the finger tips over and over again this morning while I wondered how best to avert the catastrophe which seems to be us together the morning after._

_So this is how I take my leave. I don't want an awkward goodbye, I don't want one filled with half promises and unspoken words. I want to leave with this image of you in my mind; perfect in your stillness and quiet and clear in my memory with passion and fire._

_You need time to believe me, so I'm giving you time._

_Make the right choice_

_Then, now, always_

_Hermione_


	33. Chapter 32: Forget To Mention The Rats?

_Once again, I'm loving the reviews, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm really enjoying writing this. _

_Oh, and by the way, have pity on these two poor souls, you can never imagine the fear involved with the knowledge that there is a giant rat in the ceiling unless you've been there. Believe me!_

**Chapter 32 Forget To Mention The Rats?**

"Remus, how do you feel, morally I mean, about stunning an innocent animal?"

She looked across the room to see her travel companion lying on his poor excuse for a bed, staring at the ceiling with the same fixated fear she'd had for the last hour.

"If you're talking about that rat Hermione, just do it, please for the love of all that's holy, just do it. It's not innocent, it's a monster."

"We both know I can't."

They had travelled by portkey, they had sailed and railed and ridden on the back of the oldest truck in the world. They had walked and ridden death trap motorbikes and it had brought them here, to hell.

Remus had been adamant that they could not just apparate into either Cambodia or any of the bordering countries. He had been equally adamant that until push came to shove there was to be no magic. He wanted their arrival to be as unobtrusive as possible and they had no way of knowing what wards were in place. He was right, of course, but from now until the grave she would curse him for bringing her here.

Here was Long Xuyen, a vile putrid border town in Vietnam with mosquitoes the size of rats, and as far as she could see from the scurrying bulge in the ceiling, rats the size of frigging Hippografs.

"Remus, so help me, your no magic rule is not adding to my sense of well being right now. If that thing comes through the ceiling I can, and will, hold you personally responsible."

"Hardly fair."

"It's totally fair."

"Not."

"Are you turning into a child on me? Because I'm tired and hot and irritable and I have bites on my bites, so if you are it's going to push me over the edge, just to warn you."

"Understood."

"Well what do we do about the rat?" She couldn't take her eyes off the damn thing, running backwards and forwards across a ceiling that was nothing more than strong cloth. This was unbelievable, for years, ever since Sirius had come back full of wondrous tales of this part of the world, she had dreamt of coming here. This was not what she had in mind.

"Well, during the brief luxury of the 15 minutes sleep you had I checked every last inch of the wall. It looks like the cloth is secure. I think we're safe."

"I promise you..."

"I know, I know, my fault. I'm married Hermione, I'm used to it. You can't scare me."

Hermione sighed and sat up with her back against the wall, satisfied that Remus was on rat watch she pulled her quill and parchment out and began to write.

"Who are you writing to? I've alerted the order we've arrived here."

"Keep your eyes on the rat and out of my business."

"Rude."

"Sorry. I'm writing to Sirius, it's an integral part of 'operation wake the stubborn arse up' Mission one was shagging him senseless and mission two is writing him back into love with me."

"A little more detail than I needed Hermione, and he never fell out of love with you."

"We'll see."

"He'll come round; you just have to tread carefully."

"I'm done treading carefully." Hermione pressed down in frustration and growled as the nib snapped, spurting dark ink all over her top.

"I hate this fucking place."

So far today Sirius had made two secretaries cry and in a stroke of genius he had accidently broken a colleague's nose when he shoved a suspect a little too hard, right into his colleagues face.

Suffice it to say he was a little off focus.

Sent home with instructions to stay away until he 'had his head in the damn game,' he was now pacing the room. 24 hours, 24 little hours and he felt like he was having a heart attack. They could be out there for weeks, months, his best friend and his... his... well whatever the fuck she was this was not a good situation.

He'd offered to follow them out there three times already but Harry was increasingly paranoid and after moving his family into Grimmauld place he had gone to fetch Teddy and Tonks and had now made Sirius promise to stay with them.

"I may not be enough on my own Sirius, you have to stay here."

The whole situation was becoming surreal. Two months ago the he was heartbroken and the world had seemed a dark and dreadful place, but his friends and family were living safe, happy lives. Now it was indeed a dark and dreadful place, and there was nothing safe about their lives. No one really knew what they were dealing with, that's what had them so on edge, it could be two Death Eaters, it could be two hundred. It was impossible to tell how many had survived the war in all the carnage, and they had to have gone somewhere. Then again it could be something different, new, or it could be nothing, or it could be everything.

The bed was too cold, too empty, the chair reminded him of how he felt when he was inside her, the shower just offered him questions; had she been in here? What did she look like with water running in streams down her soft, delicious skin? The kitchen was too quiet without her singing and the library was out of the question. There was nowhere, not one place in this whole monstrosity of a house in which he could escape her memory. This wasn't like before, this was worse; because now he had a sneaking suspicion he had something to lose.

And what was that infernal noise? High pitched, like an alarm of some kind. He cast around wildly, eyes scanning the room and settling on the small table by the window, the one on which he'd found her letter. There was something new there now, a parchment, one that definitely hadn't been there when he'd paced from the room ten minutes ago.

_Dear Sirius_

_I have a bone to pick with you. I know this is not a pleasure cruise, but I was promised lush greenery and exotic smells. I was promised calm, magical lakes and white sand beaches. I was promised bustling towns with something new round every corner. Not once in all your tales of this continent did you mention the mosquitoes, or the rubbish, or the damn rats, did I miss the day you told us about the rats?_

_You know where we are, so you know it took a long time to get here, and no, that's not a metaphor for you and I. Over sea and land I've had some thinking time and I have come to a decision. In the future, I hope one day we'll be able to talk face to face with the same honesty we put in these letters, but that time is not now, I think our last attempt at a serious conversation proves that. So here is my decision; I am going to write you into loving me again._

_I've been told that writing is the best therapy, so I'm hoping this might help us both work some things out. I won't expect and answer from you... yet._

_Do you know for the last month or so now I've occasionally found myself resting my head on my arm and wishing it was yours, it's like I miss the feel of your arms holding me as I sleep. How strange to _

_miss something you've never had don't you think? But I can't shake the familiarity of the dreams I have of your arms. I have images in my head, a roaring fire, the library, you and me, together, quiet, right. Wishful thinking I guess._

_I can see you everywhere here. Do you know how hard we, I, listened to your stories of the places you visited? I know I'm there now. I can feel you in every turn and corner. Sometimes I almost think I can see you here, as you looked then, the cares of the world on your face and in your heart._

_I hope that I am still in your heart._

_As I write I'm loving you_

_Hermione_

Well, buggeration, that didn't exactly make things easier.


	34. Chapter 33 I Write With Blushes And Sigh

_I'm having rat watch flashbacks._

_I have also added some blurb on my profile page, this is all new to me, little by little I make my way into the murky world of the fanfiction universe._

**Chapter 33 I Write With Blushes And Sighs**

Oh Merlin there was another one. There, on the table which was conspicuously empty when he went to sleep last night was an innocent looking piece of parchment. But he knew it was anything but innocent. It was sent here to taunt him; whatever was written on that piece of paper was a living breathing reminder that he had sent her half way round the world without assurance. He had let her go, unsure and unconfident. With her ex.

_They would never do that to you._

Yes, yes, he knew that, but still, where were they and where was he? Yes, he was here, in his room, hiding from a letter.

He took the letter into the bathroom and settled it on the cabinet while he showered. It lay on the desk while he dressed and made its way to his pocket as he strolled, as nonchalantly as possible, to breakfast.

"Morning Sirius." Harry had a baby on his hip and a furious Teddy attempting to climb his leg to get to the letter he held in his upraised hand.

"Letter from Remus." He passed the parchment to Sirius and attempted to explain to the inconsolable Teddy that his father had sent his love and would be writing to him personally, soon.

_Dear All_

_As you know it has been a week, and despite our best efforts we can find no one who can tell us about Dean's last destination. It is frustrating and disheartening, for both of us, although I know Hermione does her best to hide it._

Sirius felt his throat constrict at the mention of her.

_However, she has come up trumps, as usual, and tomorrow we will be beginning our journey with the same guides who helped him on his way up the river._

_The atmosphere is as we feared, not as we hoped, and I would ask you to promise, no to swear, that you will be cautious. Don't forget;_

_Constant Vigilance._

_I love you all_

_Remus_

Harry watched him as he read.

"What do you think?"

"I think we keep our bloody eyes open and fill Kingsley in. I think we get Fleur and the kids here today as well as Molly and Arthur, Melissa too if Malfoy agrees."

"We're not going into hiding Sirius."

"No, we're not, but we're going to take care of each other, and that's easier if we're all under one roof. This could be nothing, but it could be something, we need to be ready."

As yet, with the exception of the attempted murder of Hermione and Blaise Zabini's death, there had been no suspicious activity in England. It wasn't exactly reassuring, in the past years there had been the odd random attack, but it had always been linked to just one person, a lone wolf, attempting to live out their last, mad days in a blaze of twisted glory. This was something different, it appeared to be organised and ruthless and the only activity in England had been directly targeted at Hermione. No, not reassuring at all.

Finally in the kitchen, surrounded by children and friends, he felt safe enough to open the letter, at least their presence should help to prevent him from sobbing into his pillow, the possibility of humiliation was a great motivator.

_I'm so hot for you_

He shut the letter with a snap, feeling an unfamiliar blush tint his cheeks.

"Right, well, lovely breakfast, I'd better go and..."

"Sirius, you haven't eaten a thing." Tonks exclaimed in concern.

"Oh well, you know... anyway... yes. Well quite." As he backed awkwardly from the room he could have sworn he saw Harry smirk. Bastard.

With a flick of his wand he sealed his door behind him and collapsed in the damned chair, the letter was burning his hand and he almost ripped the parchment in his haste to read it.

_I'm so hot for you_

_I'm thinking about all the times you've touched me, all the different ways._

_I'm remembering the feel of your hands on me, all over me. Every time you touched me it felt like I was burning up. I've always been so hot for you._

_I'm dreaming of the feel of your lips against mine, of the feel of your mouth tracing every part of me, as if you couldn't get enough, wouldn't get enough._

_I don't think I could ever get enough of you, till we're old and grey I'll be desperate for the feel of you moving over me._

_I'll be desperate for that first push against the wall, for the way your hands grasp at my thighs, the way they squeeze and stroke and clasp. I'll be desperate for the nights where I hand myself over to you, relinquish all control and let you tease me and demand things of me that should make me blush, do make me blush, even as I'm using my own hands to remember the feel of yours._

_I'll never stop wanting the quiet hours we spent joined together as one and the trembling sighs that I once told myself weren't love; I know different now don't I? How could they be anything else?_

_I think I'm obsessed with remembering the feel of your shoulders under my hands, of the skin of your back under my fingers, under my nails as you drive me higher and higher. I lean against a wall and can't help but think of how wrong it feels without you to press me into it. _

_You've ruined me Sirius Black, turned me into a shuddering mass of nerve endings brought alight by your hands and your mouth and your... well, by all of you. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish I could trace every tattoo with my tongue, I wish I could feel every contour of your body under my hands. I wish I could ride you while you held my hands behind me and watched me come undone at your command. _

_I would take you anywhere, anyhow. Right now, while my heart is hammering and my pulse is racing and your name is on my lips._

_I once told you no one had ever made me feel like you do, the words were gasped and moaned and whispered and I doubt you remember, or believe. But believe me now; there never was, and never will be, anyone who could keep me so hot in a world that can be so cold._

_Sweet Daydreams My Love_

_Hermione_

She was going to be the death of him.

The next morning Hermione found herself being shaken awake by a confused looking Remus. The boat was rocking gently on the tide and for a moment she was struck by the beauty of the sunrise over the river bank; so this was what he had meant.

"Hermione?"

"Yes."

"Could you please explain this?" He threw a piece of parchment at her, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like;

"Lunatics, both of them."

Hermione unfolded the letter and as she read a secret smile crept across her face.

_Dear Remus_

_I write this as your friend, with full respect for our friendship and your marriage and the difficult and dangerous situation you are in. I also write with full awareness that I am both irrational and ridiculous._

_If you touch her I'll hurt you._

_Be safe._

_Yours,_

_Sirius._


	35. Chapter 34: Heart of Darkness

_Hey people, sorry if the fast updates are a bit much. I would say that you don't have to read it all at once, its not going anywhere! I guess I have some time on my hands at the mo!_

_It will probably slow down somewhat now anyway, I have a dissertation to finish, a job to do, and some wedding presents to return. Nevermind, I have enough toasters anyway._

_By the way, reviews are always very welcome, please review!!_

_xx_

**Chapter 34 Heart of Darkness**

_Dear Sirius_

_I thank you once again for bringing an element of the ridiculous into the most serious of circumstances. I'd forgotten how I kept smiling through everything that went before. Now I remember; you never fail to astound me with your idiocy. _

_Needless to say your fears are groundless, the only physical contact I have with Hermione is when she wakes up screaming in the night, and I defy anyone who hears her not to want to hold her until she quietens. I've never heard the nightmares before; I never want to hear them again. It's easy to stay angry with her when you don't hear the very thing which made her break in the first place; I hope you don't ever have to hear the screams. I have made the guides promise not to mention it; I'm not sure how she would feel about her very self being let out for everyone to see._

_I have a confession, I showed your letter to Hermione, I thought it might make her smile. Merlin knows she needed to smile again. It's not been easy and I know how scared she is, even if she refuses to show it when she is awake._

_It worked, make what you will of that._

_Please keep your letters coming; I've never been so grateful to have you back._

_Be safe_

_Remus_

It was true; Sirius' letter had made her smile. He hadn't sent her anything yet, but then she'd told him she wasn't expecting it. In her heart though, she was struggling. Here she was, drenched with the humid air and mind alert for any sign of danger in the wild shores of the river. They were travelling about three days north, to a small wizarding community which masqueraded as the monastery of an obscure Buddhist sect. This was the last known place that Dean had travelled and they hoped to pick up some news of him, or whatever it was that killed him, for she was sure he was gone. She could feel it deep inside as the landscape had changed around them to something much less welcoming, and Remus had agreed when she'd finally plucked up the courage to voice her suspicions. Both of them had seen too much to ignore their instincts now;

"I know." He'd said with a weary sigh. "It feels like it did before doesn't it?"

And it did. The frightened looks on the faces of the people she had pressed for information, the furtive nature with which the local population scurried from place to place. Even the defiant looks on the faces of their guides, tough men with a stubborn look in their eyes, showed that there was something to be defiant against, and it wasn't making her feel warm and fuzzy inside. That was for sure. This was all too familiar to them.

"Did you ever read Heart of Darkness?"

Remus' unexpected words brought her out of her thoughts and she politely declined the joint which the boatman had passed her, determined to stay sharp. In truth she hadn't touched a thing since that night in Phasmartis, hadn't felt the desire, for once, to separate herself from her pain.

"Yes."

"I think I get it now."

"I know what you mean; the land is like an enemy in itself isn't it?" The dense jungle which lay along the banks lifted only to reveal a half hidden temple or a small, desperate looking village and Hermione felt eyes peer at her from the bank, though try as she might she could never see who was looking. It was easy to believe it was the jungle itself, so oppressive had it become.

They had entered a tributary now, leaving the majestic Mekong behind to travel along this foreboding path and she was beginning to wish there was more than just the two of them. A glimpse of a foreign wand from the corner of her eye reminded her they were not alone; there were those willing to fight for good in every corner of the world. She saw one of the three boatmen give her a dark smile.

"No worry, we keep you safe."

She reached out a hand to him, touching his shoulder briefly before making her promise in return.

"And I will keep you safe." She knew they were worried for her, a witch in this dangerous part of the country. She hoped she never had reason to prove to them that she didn't need protecting.

The letter which she was writing now wasn't one of longing; it wasn't even really one of love. This letter was something she had owed Sirius for a long time. It was a letter she wrote in hindsight for her 15 year old self. He had no idea how much he'd meant to them before, she knew that his confident demeanour his a crippling self doubt. It was why he worked so hard now, why he tried to give so much.

All she had at her disposal now were days of tension and boredom. The worst was yet to come, she knew that, but for now all they could do was wait. As they sailed up a never ending river which they were hoping would lead them to answers. But they feared those answers would come with a tariff. Once again Hermione found herself running towards the very thing she should be running away from.

However it was, and whatever would be, there were things she needed to say, things he needed to hear, in case she didn't have the chance to say them to his face. Merlin, how had it come to this; A time when she was wondering, once again, if she'd even make it to next year?

_Dear Sirius_

_You know it's occurred to me that I never really told you how much of an impact you had on me the first time we knew each other. I think I should let you know now, there's no time like the present, and you need to know, just in case. Don't worry, I'm not confessing my deepest secrets, or saying anything that is going to change your life. Nor am I writing my last confession. But you've always thought that you think you played less of a part in our victory than you did, I just though you should know._

_I'd never met anyone like you; someone who had given everything and yet still had love to give. And I'd never met anyone so keen to stick two fingers up to the rules. You asked me why I didn't work for the ministry once; the truth is that I've never really lost the contempt for them that you instilled in me._

_It took an escaped convict to show me what government should really be for, how they should serve the people and how they didn't. You taught us that if we wanted things to change we had to change them ourselves. Revolutionary ideas for the rule abiding 15 year old I was. I guess every 'fuck you' I've thrown in their direction since, or the direction of convention, has been, in some way a tribute to you._

_That's the reason for the stars on my stage. After we'd lost you I felt a need to keep your legacy going, even if it was only among those of us who understood what the stars meant. Every one of us, young and old, were grateful for the time we spent with you, and for some of us, Harry, Ron and I mostly I think, it opened our eyes as children and shaped some of our actions as adults._

_I just thought you should know, you've always thought you were a bad influence on Harry. In some ways I think you were the very best. I think you showed him what was important. I think you were the _

_very heart of the family he never thought he would have. You were the heart of our family. I think you always will be._

_Love_

_Hermione_


	36. Chapter 35: The Very Worst

**Chapter 35 The Very Worst**

After a week they had abandoned the boats in order to trek the second half of their journey. Hermione was no stranger to physical exertion but the going was tough. She had learned as much as she could of their companions, Dean appeared to have trusted them implicitly.

At first it seemed to Hermione that they were as good suspects as anyone else, after all, no one she had spoken to had seen him again after he had left with them. But the more she saw, the more she believed in them. They had sailed away with her friend and accompanied him half way up the river before waving goodbye with promises to reunite. They had never seen him again, and until Hermione had cornered them in that dismall town, demanding answers with a determination which had shaken them, they had assumed he was just another traveller, waylaid on his path to enlightenment.

Ponleak could not have been named more appropriately, he had strength and endurance that Hermione could only envy as he picked her up time and time again and urged her forward.

"Close My, we are close to rest now." She'd noticed scars on his back one day as he'd leaped gratefully into the pool at the foot of a waterfall. He'd seen her look and had looked ashamed for a moment until she turned around and took off her shirt, leaving the scars on her back free to see through the gap in her swim suit. From that day on they had been firm friends, two scared and weary friends, but hopeful none the less.

They had settled on My, her old childhood nickname as a suitable alternative to the clumsy sound of Hermione through their thick accents. Kosal had proposed it; he was the youngest of the three and seemed to be oblivious to the dark, oppressive feelings that surrounded the rest of them. His name meant 'magical', a safe guess on the part of his parents, who had long been part of the magical world, and he showed skill with a wand which rivalled Hermione's own. She had asked him once what he thought about muggle-borns, curious about his seeming lack of pure-blood arrogance. His reply had made her feel more at home than anything else could have done.

"The magic chooses the person My, some are good, some are bad, most have good and bad inside of them, it has nothing to do with blood."

Now where had she heard something similar?

Her thoughts were never far from him. The jungle was deep and impenetrable, but there were moments of astounding beauty. The waterfall had taken her breath away, not that she'd had much to lose. They had walked for three days. They walked, rested, and walked some more. The air was humid and stifling and there were bugs _everywhere. _This was the muggle world. The one she had lived away from for so long. There were no magical creatures here, just the trees above and the earth underfoot, teeming with life that owed nothing to her kind.

She felt kind of liberated to be so spate from magic. It had been almost three weeks now, the longest she had gone without magic since she'd turned 17. They cooked and cleaned, set up camp 

and took it down, all with their hands and with their minds. This was living she felt, in the midst of this dark journey, this was feeling alive.

And she had been aware of every pump of her heart as they climbed the third hill of the day. It never seemed to matter how far you climbed, there was always more. Her shirt was plastered to her back and her breath was coming in shallow gasps. And then there it was. The water glinting off the surface like the reflection of a miracle. One end appeared completely calm while the other was a torrent of foam from the crashing waters of the fall. This was it, this was paradise, this was what Sirius had spoken about and she could only imagine how he had felt to be at a place like this. How confusing this beauty and calm must have seemed after all that had gone before.

"Oh merciful gods."

And Remus was gone, off at a sprint before throwing himself into the air and crashing, splashing, into the water with childish glee. Hermione had to laugh she'd always loved to see this side of him, it made it so much easier to understand his friendship with Sirius. Knowing Remus as an adult had been a revelation; he was kind and generous to a fault, much as he had been when they were young, but now once they were grown he had cut them no slack. He had expected more from them then they sometimes thought they could give, but he had been right and his drive and perseverance, in Hermione's mind, had helped them win the war at a time when all felt lost.

But at times the lighter side of him shone through like a beacon. He was obsessed with Quidditch, much like Ron had been and the two had laughed and argued long into the night once Remus felt Ron was old enough to share a drink with him. Against everyone's expectations the two had become friends and she knew he still felt his loss. She'd seen him battle like a warrior and then sing lullaby's to Teddy in the same night. And she'd seen the fun in him time and time again since the war had ended. He was almost as sexually voracious as Sirius and had spent hours teasing her mercilessly when they were together. He'd once confessed that he often dreamed of her and Tonks together, not a wish she was willing to grant!

It had been fun and satisfying, but they had never created the fire that her and Sirius did. She missed him more than she'd ever thought possible, she missed him with an intensity similar to that which she'd felt for Ron. Something she had never thought she would say about anyone. But there was no guilt anymore, there was only acceptance, acceptance and love, and that was enough for her.

"Bugger." Hermione heard Remus' frustration as he slipped on the damp floor of the jungle and saw his smile of gratitude as Chann, their joint smoking companion, grasped his arm to stop him from falling. Hermione almost laughed at the irony; The Moon helping the werewolf.

The sky had grown darker and the heaviness in the air no longer seemed to be totaly due to the weather conditions. Something was changed, something was up and every pace she took, every branch that whipped back into her face, and every look she shared with Remus all carried the same plea in her mind;

_Please don't let it be true. Please don't let it be true. Please don't let it be true._

It had become so much a mantra that Hermione almost surprised herself with the shock she felt when she finally saw the smoke, and caught a glimpse, in the twilight sky, of the very same image she'd had burned into her so long ago.

As her knees hit the ground and she half heard Remus' horrified gasp behind her she realised they hadn't needed to trek for another day. They had all the proof they needed right here.

It took them half an hour to climb to the small, and probably once pretty village. It was now a pile of rubble and ashes and the smell of the jungle was overpowered by the dark, sweet cloying tang of blood and rotting corpses she had hoped she would never have to experience again.

There were bodies everywhere, men, women and children. Whoever had been here had killed indiscriminately. It only took her five minutes to locate the body she had both been searching for and hoping she wouldn't find. Dean was at the door of a small hut, his arms spread wide as if defending something unseen. But as she carefully stepped over him and saw inside the hut she knew what he'd been defending and grief for her friend overwhelmed her. There inside, laid out almost as if on purpose were the small bodies of three children, each charred like Dean, but no less recognisable for what they had been in life.

She met Chann's desolate gaze as she stumbled from the hut and, for a moment, she had been lost for words at how to describe what had happened here.

"It's bad?" He had asked simply.

"Yes. It's bad. It's the very worst." It was all she could say, because in truth her worst nightmares had come true and she didn't know how to explain any of it to the kind man in front of her. They hadn't been aware of the wars that had been waged so far away in England but they weren't strangers to violence. The wizarding community here had suffered as much as any in the brutal years of the Khemer Rhouge regime, and the danger of resurgence was still so real that the government had found it easy to explain away the recent violence as a re-awakening of some dormant guerrilla cells. The reality was just as terrifying.

This was an evil that knew no boundaries, it had no rational except the destruction of everything good and pure in this world and those responsible had no hearts with which to open themselves up to good, no conscience with which to feel remorse.

And it was back, back in their lives. She knew it wasn't Voldemort himself, she'd seen him die; she had felt the finality of it. She seriously doubted anyone had found a way to bring him back to life this time, but it was clear that someone was intent on carrying out his plans, and they had chosen this fragile country as a starting point. Somewhere with a long standing magical community, but somewhere far enough away from home to provide them some initial breathing space to make their plans.

As she saw Remus walk towards her, through a blur of tears, and as she felt his arms move around her, pulling her close, she began to process what had happened, and what it meant, and, when the dust in her mind settled there was only one thought remaining.

"No."


	37. Chapter 36: Bring Her Home

**Chapter 36 Bring Her Home**

_My love,_

_I guess you could say this is the big one. __The__ letter, __the__ confession; the deepest, darkest little pieces of my soul that have caused us both so much unnecessary pain. Things have been hard here, the land is dark and the people are scared and they have reason to be, we all have reason to be. We've seen it._

_I know I should say that it's not fear that's driving me to write this. But it is, it's the very real fear that this time around I might not be one of the 'lucky ones'. It feels like there is a malevolent force that's walking behind me, whispering at me that I've run out of chances. If it's true, if my time is running out, I owe you an explanation. _

_So it is the fear, it's the fear that you might never understand why I did what I did, that if anything happens to me I'll never have the chance to tell you, to make you see. It's the fear that you could spend the rest of your life thinking that what we had was a mistake, that it was less than it was. It's the fear that you'll spend the rest of your life hating me. That scares me more than anyone, or any thing could._

_On the morning of my 11__th__ Birthday I woke up to a letter that changed every step of the path my life would take. The letter you got promised you that you would follow every ancestor through the hallways you'd been hearing about your whole life. The letter I got told me I was part of a word which had been nothing but fantasy and fiction to me and everyone I knew._

_I have never felt so lonely or unsure. I read like my life depended on it, I devoured every fact I could find, I taught myself everything I could about magic, and nothing at all about being a witch. My parents loved me, but they didn't know me, no one knew me, I didn't know myself. In my mind I walked alone._

_Out of the black and the tears came two little boys, heroes to me then, and heroes to me now. Our lives fused together as one and I defy anyone to have seen where one ended and the other began. I know there is something magical about our friendship, and I know you know what I'm talking about. These people saved my life in every way just as James and Remus saved yours._

_For the years that we were together we fought and fled and laughed and played together. We lived lives you wouldn't believe unless you'd been there, seen it, understood. I didn't fall in love with Ron slowly, it was immediate and ridiculous and it took us almost seven years to admit it. For the next two years the world carried on turning, people fell, people I loved, and the world kept on turning because of Ron, and Harry. But it was Ron that held me at night; that kept me real, tethered down when sometimes I wished I could just float away._

_My life began and ended with my two boys, we were three, we were always, but we weren't were we? One day we were two. One day Ron and I woke up and made love in the shower and promised forever, and he slipped a ring on my finger and told me I was everything. He made me feel like everything. That was the first night I went to sleep without him, the first night I went to sleep alone, like I've done every night for four years now. _

_Do you know how terrifying an empty house is? One that was filled with the sounds and smells and treasures of love for so long? I wanted to tear it down, I wanted to burn the bed we shared and scorch the garden that we grew together, but I couldn't. I held on because I could not make my hands let go and every day that I went back to that house I lived surrounded by ghosts and guilt._

_Harry grew up and I'm so proud of the man he is, but for years it just reminded me of the man Ron never would be. Every day it killed me a little bit more inside._

_I'm not claiming I would be whole and well adjusted if he was still here, after all the reminders of what happened are etched on my skin. Do you know the glamours don't work anymore? I wonder what that means, I fear I already know. But I felt, for so long, that I'd lost the person that made me._

_And then into my life you waltzed, bright and brash and beautiful and you knocked me off my feet completely. Almost immediately I sought you out, I reached for your hands and I learned how right it felt to press my body against yours. And it terrified me._

_I kept myself away from anything resembling love for so long Sirius. I didn't even think I did it on purpose, I just assumed I'd had my love, I'd lived my life. Poor Draco never stood a chance, and Remus knew who I was, and knew himself too well to imagine he could ever be in love with anyone but his wife. Nevertheless I know I was cold when sometimes he needed warmth, I know I was gone when sometimes he needed company and I knew what I was doing at the time. He was my friend before anything but I let myself believe that our sex life entitled me to create a distance between us, one we are crossing towards each other now, finally, you and I are so lucky to have such a dear friend._

_It's a failing as old as time, the idea that you can't mourn for something you never had, that you can control your own emotions. I have a strong mind Sirius, I'm capable of arguing my way into, or out of, almost anything and I direct that skill at myself as much as anyone. I talked myself away from you, I squared my shoulders and walked away every time I caught that look in your eyes and I repeated with every step; it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, none of it matters._

_I tried to protect myself. I honestly believed that losing someone else like that would finish me off, I'm not sure I don't still believe it. _

_You know all of this of course. You could have told me before I realised it. But what you don't know is that one day I woke up and it hit me, so hard, the value in life is in living. I want to live my life, I want to grow old with the people I love. If I can't grow old I want to know that I lived this one short life with everything I could. I can't protect myself from pain, well maybe that's not quite true. I can protect myself from the pain I've caused by turning you away. _

_I've tried to be so steadfast in my belief that I can win you back but I have to admit that sometimes I'm not sure I'll get through and the thought that I might have lost you forever takes my breath away. It's like a knife cutting through me. _

_I never told you that my nightmares started again after our fight, to tell you they'd started would probably have involved telling you that they'd stopped in the first place. I think you did that, I think it was how comfortable I felt with you, how safe, how close._

_Do you know I have no desire to take drugs anymore? This pain I've felt from losing you, somehow it's made me feel more alive than I have in years and I don't want to turn it off. It reminds me who I was, what I wanted, how I fought for it._

_And I'll fight for it again, I'll fight for you and I'll fight against anyone who threatens you or anyone else I love. I'll fight against anyone who tries to scare children in the dark or cast that shadow over our world again. _

_I'll fight because I'm living again._

_I'm living because of you._

_Because I love you._

_So this is it, the ball is now officially in your court. I'll wait to hear from you. I've said some of these things to you before, some I haven't, but they all come together to form the story of my heart and the way it beats._

_It's a fragile heart Sirius, and it's yours, please treat it kindly._

_I love you_

_Hermione_

The letter was on the floor and his bag was open on the bed, it was the easiest decision he'd ever made.

Harry met him at the foot of the stairs and raised an eyebrow at his bag and cloak.

"Going somewhere?"

Sirius squared up and stared Harry in the eye; he wouldn't be stopped this time.

"Malfoy and Bill are on their way, they'll be staying here now. I'm going Harry, I'm going and that's it."

Harry took a step back, opening a path to the door.

"Bring her home Sirius, please, bring them both home now."


	38. Chapter 37: Let Battle Commence

_You're wish is my command. Although you are keeping me up long past my bed time. BTW, I have set au an LJ journal, but I don't really know what I'm doing with it!_

_Link is on my bio page. Or it should be but it's not working, thennowalways./_

**Chapter 37 Let Battle Commence**

_Shit, shit, shit._

She could hear the footsteps thundering behind her and once again she cursed Remus' selfless nature. But really, how could they have done anything else?

They had found a child, dear Merlin they had found a living breathing child in all that death. Who knows how the little boy had managed to stay alive, she supposed the human condition and its innate desire to survive could be a powerful motivator.

_He could be no more than four, but he'd kept himself alive for what must have been weeks, and as Remus had cradled him in his arms he'd looked at Hermione with such trust that she knew they would do everything they could to take this boy to safety._

"_We have to apparate him to a town, to a hospital, he's starving Hermione."_

_Of course, he couldn't have been more right, but they both knew what it would cost them. The minute they apparated they were busted. This place was teaming in dark magic, you could smell it in the blood sweet smell of the air, and they had only stayed under the radar this long by refusing the temptation to use any and all magic, no matter how hard it had been._

_But it was a week's walk to the nearest hospital and he would never survive the journey. _

_As Chann and Kosal had taken their arms and Ponleak had carefully held the little boy they vanished, and as Hermione felt herself travel she could feel the shift. _

_They weren't anonymous anymore._

And now she was running, she was alone in dark and unfamiliar streets and she was running on adrenaline alone.

She never knew how Remus had been hit. One minute they were walking down an alley, searching for a safe place to apparate, the next he had crashed at her feet and in the darkness she'd seen the shadows of four masked figures. As she noticed the gash on her own arm and the blood dripping from her finger tip her instincts had screamed at her to run.

But instead she did the stupid thing, as Ron had always called it; she put herself between them and her injured friend and hissed at him through the night.

"Go."

"No."

"I've got this, you don't, go now, or you'll get us both killed."

She couldn't fight and worry about him, she knew it, he knew it, and their new friends were counting on it; counting on the fact that this man would never abandon a girl. But the rules had changed during the war and sometimes the hard decision had to be made, his breath was laboured and if he left it much longer he wouldn't have the strength to apparate, he was already too weak to take them both. Besides, Hermione had never been just a girl.

"Hermione..."

"I'll find you, now go... So help me Remus I'll knock you out of this fight if I have to and you can watch me go down... just go." And as she'd shot her first hex at the man nearest to her the ground erupted at a haze of smoke and rubble. When the four men picked themselves up Remus was gone and she was running.

She'd known her protective charm would only last so long but wasn't sure she was a match for four opponents and she didn't know the town well enough to apparate, running was her only option, and right now she was proving to be a very talented sprinter.

_Instinct. _It was everything and as she hurdled a small and surprised looking dog in her path she let her gut instinct guide her, after all it had worked before, more times then she cared to remember.

The ground was hard and dusty under her feet and the damned moon was as bright as she could remember it. She could see into every dark corner and there was nowhere to hide. Deep inside her the panic was starting to crawl to the surface, she was alone in enemy territory, and she knew nothing about them, how many, how strong? All she knew is what she'd seen of their work, and it didn't speak highly of their compassionate nature.

By her guess it had been twenty minutes, for twenty terrifying minutes she had been running and dodging and hiding briefly before they caught up with her again. The last time she had taken one of them down and as she blasted him back he had bowled into the other three, it bought her a few seconds, and in this situation she knew that could make all the difference.

Something was calling her though, every screaming muscle was pulling her in one direction and if she'd time to think about it she would have wondered at the fact that her instincts had never felt quite so strong.

She threw herself off to the right as if following a command and found herself slipped between two buildings. The concrete against her back was comforting; never have your back to an open space, beginner's battle lesson number one.

She held her breath as the footsteps tumbled past her, the space was so small they would never consider it a route, oh one of the many benefits of being a girl. She edged along the wall, not really sure what her next plan was.

_I'll find you. _And how exactly did she plan to do that? She was in the arse-end of nowhere and running in circles. This situation was not ideal and she needed some time to compose herself, she needed some cover.

At the end of the small alley there was a door, it was rusty and old and looked like it was hardly ever opened, it was perfect. Inch by inch she made her way along the wall, heart pounding and chest quivering in a desperate effort to keep her breathing silent. If they found her here she was finished, this was a good hiding place, but not a good escape route and she had no room to fight in this claustrophobic passage.

The door gave slightly as she pulled it towards her and she slipped through the narrow opening.

As the hand covered her mouth and another snatched her wand she took a brief second to realise that this may have been a mistake, before, in tribute to her muggle heritage, she span round and brought her knee up, hard.

"Fuck."

And it was the most beautiful word she had ever heard. She didn't know how and she didn't know why but Sirius was doubled over on the floor in front of her and a set of familiar Cambodian eyes was shining at her from across the room.

There was so much running through her mind, so many things she wanted to say, but as she opened her mouth the only thing that came out was;

"Oh."

Sirius straightened up and smirked at her, even if it was slightly marred by the wince when he took a step towards her.

"I think we've been here before love."

And as she threw herself into his waiting arms and his lips met hers her legs buckled as usual. But this time as well as the thrill in her heart and the fire of his lips, she felt herself falling as the world around her went black.


	39. Chapter 38: This Ends

**Chapter 38 This Ends**

She woke slowly, aware of nothing at first but the heat. Merlin, she was burning up, every piece of her was on fire and the pounding in her head was slowly coming to the forefront, pain, lots and lots of pain... but suddenly through the haze of heat she felt the bliss of cool water against her forehead, slowly, tenderly stroking the pain away.

Thank god for the gentleness and quiet, after today she couldn't imagine anything more welcome. What a day, first the child, then the attack, and Remus... where... Remus!

"Remus" she struggled with the hands holding her in place as her eyes desperately searched the room for her friend. Oh god, he was hurt and somewhere and alone and she was here being held like someone's life depended on it. Hang on, who the hell...?

"Shh, shh sweetheart. He's OK, he's safe, he's in the next room with Chann. I'm here now, I've got you. It's OK."

Roughened, but gentle hands pulled her back down on to the mattress and the cool cloth once again made its way on to her skin, this time it trailed along her arm, bringing her attention to the bandage there, before tracing across her shoulder, then her neck, light as a feather but more of a caress than anything she'd felt before. The tingle of the water against her skin crept up the side of her face before it lay across her forehead again, a soft kiss taking its place on her cheek. As the familiar crisp seaside smell overtook her senses she moaned into the evening air.

"You're so beautiful; I don't think I've ever said it before. I should have done. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, every inch of you makes my heart beat faster."

She relaxed into the voice she knew so well, she hadn't always felt so safe in these arms, at one time the power they'd had over her had terrified her, but now she knew there was nowhere she would rather be.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was low and soft, she couldn't remember feeling so intimate with someone in years, and all it had taken was a dangerous mission to a far off land, heartfelt letters and a Death Eater curse. Why could she never do things she easy way?

"Saving your life my love, so you could share it with me, you know 'thanks' is the usual response." He spoke in little more than a whisper, but the words moved over her like a song. _My Love._

It must be the wound, she thought, or at least whatever they'd given her for it, but she had never felt so calm at such an inopportune time. Today they had found hell, they'd rescued a child on the brink of death, been attacked by Death Eaters and she had run for her life. But she would accept it all as long as she could stay on this small, narrow bed with the man she'd sworn to love forever.

Well, she'd accept almost all of it anyway...

"No, I mean..." she struggled to sit up, finally managing to escape his arms and turn to face him, propping herself up on her uninjured arm and drinking in the sight of his proud, strong face before her.

"... I mean, well, what are you doing here?"

He chuckled softly, tracing her face with his eyes before bringing his lips up to hers in the sweetness of kisses.

"You sure know how to write a letter little one. You've been driving me to distraction; I only took so long to get here because Harry made me stay. The last one scared the shit out of me so I packed my bags, and here I am. And I'm not leaving." And they both knew he didn't just mean the room.

Hermione frowned even as her heart was bursting, she hadn't meant for him to come here, to put himself in danger along the side of them.

"I didn't mean to manipulate you Sirius, it wasn't why I wrote."

He paused the light kisses he'd been trailing down her jaw as his fingers tangled lazily in her hair.

"Don't be silly Hermione. I know why you wrote, I heard what you said, every word. Merlin, I opened that one about us together in the kitchen while Teddy and Tonks were there, made an absolute arse out of myself trying to get out the room to read it." He caught her mouth again and tugged slightly on her lower lip.

"You're a very naughty girl Hermione and when you're better we're going to have to do something about that."

She felt the blush tint her cheeks even as she tilted her head to look at him from under her eyelashes;

"You know, I am feeling kind of better."

He gazed at her hungrily for a moment before shaking his head and giving her a smile tinged in sadness;

"No love, you're not, you're hurt and I wasn't there soon enough to prevent it. I'm so sorry, I would give anything to stop you from being hurt."

She ran her hand across his brow, smoothing out his frown and dropping a kiss on his forehead for good measure.

"Sirius, you're here, I don't know how you found me but you did, and that's all that matters to me now." She took a deep breath and tried to magic up the words she wanted to say to him face to face, to back up everything that she'd written, every promise she'd made. But before she could speak he'd kissed her again, as he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers she felt her heart brim over with joy at the look on his face.

"Hermione, whatever you were going to say, stop. There's nothing to say anymore. There's nothing standing between us. I love you, there's only love between us now."

"I love you too." As she lay back against his chest and felt his arms around her she knew she would never leave him. After all, where would she go? This was home, wherever he was would be home for her now. Unexpectedly, after all this time, she had found another heart and another life to which she could bind her own.

They moved swiftly on the journey home, both her and Remus had healed quickly with a little magical helping hand, there was no need to avoid magic now and by a series of apparations it only took a day to get them back to the garden of Grimmauld Place.

They were met by a sea of anxious faces but all Hermione could see was the look on Harry's face. It was one she'd seen time and time again growing up. Something had happened.

She squeezed Sirius had and he followed her gaze, understanding immediately.

"What happened?"

There had been an attack in Hogsmeade, true to form the Death Eaters had targeted the one place they knew would hit hard emotionally, for everyone. No one could forget the scenes of battle there in both the first and second wars and the fact that it had escalated with such speed this time had them all on edge.

Hermione had looked round her tired and scared family and had felt an uncommon rage take her over. She kicked the leg of the table as she stood, a gesture that wasn't lost on any of them.

"Why are you so angry love?" Hermione looked at Sirius like he'd grown a second head;

"Why am I so angry...? Why am I so angry? Why are you not all bloody furious? I mean, are you joking? Is this actually a joke? Because clearly I've missed something." She was pacing now, from the door to the wall, hands gesticulating;

"It's been years, years, look at us, I mean look at you, I'm not exactly a case in point just yet, but I plan to be... anyway, look at you all. You have families, houses, and happiness in your lives. It's taken us years, taken you years to get where you are." She suddenly sat down on the step by the door with a thump and Sirius had to physically stop himself from reaching out to her. His grip on the corner of the table was ferocious as he took her in; giving her the space she needed to work through whatever was on her mind.

"It's been years for me, I've never... Could never... forget, and it's taken years for me to reconcile that, to treat them as memories I will treasure or carry for the rest of my life, while I'm living my life." Her voice was softer now, but just as certain.

"And I want to live my life, I want... children, and a dog, and a home with a fireplace, and a garden with trees." She turned to look at them all, noticing their stunned expressions for the first time; slowly she found what she was searching for and the steady grey eyes which told so much, gave her so much strength.

"I want it all..." she trailed off, wondering if they were all thinking the same thing that she was, she may never have that family she craved so suddenly.

All eyes were on her, and she suddenly knew how Remus must have felt years ago, everyone was in search of answers, and right now they were looking to her. The pressure was immense, but she knew she had to break them out of the slump they had worked themselves into. They were better than this, they were better than anything that would dare to stand in their way. She stood again and faced them, head held high and shoulders set.

"I look around and I see hero after hero, every one of you has more talent and more heart than they could ever dream of, but all I see are scared, defeated faces. I know it's hard, I know it's frightening, I know it's our worst nightmares come true. But we've been running, hiding, fearing them. Well it's time to make a change, it's time they feared us.

Who the hell do they think they are? Who do they think _we_ are, don't they get it? Haven't they worked it out? They will _never _beat us, they can _never_ beat us, and yet they try again and again, they waste our time, they put us all in danger, they put the ones we love in danger and it goes on for years."

She stepped down into the room and grabbed the firewhisky from the sideboard, conjuring glasses for all of them she filled them up to the brim and raised her glass.

"Well they can all fuck off." You could have cut the silence with a knife.

"I mean it, they can fuck off. I have just found this thing with Sirius and OK, so I might have fucked it up but that's in the past, that's what I do, I fix things, and I'll fix this, because I am not willing to go through one more day without that man at my side.

And I'm for ending this quick. Finish it short and sharp for the same reason, there is no way, NO WAY, that I am losing him now, or any of you. And I refuse to let another generation experience what we did. So make up your damn minds people, in or out. This ends."


	40. Chapter 39: Forever Yours

**Chapter 39 Forever Yours**

It surprised everyone that Luna was the first person to speak. Without hesitation she stood up and toasted Hermione;

"This ends, now." With that she tilted her head and knocked the shot back in one easy motion, wiping her mouth with her arm afterwards in a most unladylike manner. She saw the look of incredulity on everyone's faces and frowned when she saw Harry's shocked face.

"What? Don't look at me like that Harry Potter, I agree with Hermione, we've all given too much and it's time it stopped. Don't tell me you think this is out of character Harry, you know better than that."

"I know, I do I..." But Luna cut him off.

"Now, I'm going to see to James, I'll leave you all here to argue it out, and by that I mean agree with Hermione, it's always worked for you before." She extended her hand to Hermione;

"Are you coming?"

Hermione could have kissed her, Luna always knew what was behind someone's eyes and Merlin knows she was feeling a little lost after her speech. She needed a break from the atmosphere in the room. She followed Luna from the room and caught Sirius' eye on the way out the door, she couldn't read his look, but she knew that something was there.

It didn't take long for him to follow her. She'd walked to his room without hesitation and settled herself in 'their' chair. When she heard the door open she didn't need to look to know who was there. It was like she could sense him these days. She guessed some kind of decision had been made downstairs; the shouting certainly seemed to have quietened down.

"You're not going."

That did cause her to turn, sharply.

"What?"

"You heard me, you're not going."

"Not going where?"

"Don't play dumb Hermione, you're not going out there to fight, there's no way I'm letting you put yourself in harm's way again."

She was sure that if he'd given it some thought he would have known that this would never be the best way to start a fight he didn't stand a chance of winning.

"Don't you try and tell me what to do, I'm not a child Sirius."

He snorted; "You're as stubborn as one though."

"Excuse me?"

"You are, leave it to the Aurors, this doesn't have to be your fight."

"It's as much my fight as anyone else's, listen to yourself, not my fight, who's fight is it then?"

"It's The Ministries' fight now Hermione, you don't have to go out there."

"Are George and Fred going?"

This appeared to stop him in his pacing as he saw a potential flaw in his argument.

"Look..."

"Bloody well answer me Sirius, are the twins going?"

"Well, yes."

"And Bill?"

"Yes." His voice was quieter.

"And Draco?"

"Yes," almost a whisper this time.

"Well what on earth makes you think I won't go? They're not Aurors either and I'm better than all of them, I'm better than most Aurors, and I won't let anyone put themselves in danger in my place, you know that. Merlin Sirius, who would you have go in my place?"

He turned and pulled her to him, holding her face between his hands in a grip that wasn't quite steady.

"Anyone else in the world." He said without hesitation. His eyes were dark with fear and love and the sight of his turmoil softened her anger.

"Oh, Sirius."

She brought his head down to hers and kissed him softly, running a hand down his face as she drew away and cupping his jaw, forcing her to look back at him.

"I understand how you feel, I really do."

He searched her eyes, seeing compassion but also a determination which made his heart sink.

"But you're going to go anyway?"

"Yes Sirius, I'm going to go. I'll always go, you know that. Don't you think I'll be terrified for you too? I don't know what I'll do if I lose you."

He looked almost surprised at this declaration;

"Hermione, I'll be fine, I'm perfectly capable..."

"And so am I." Her voice was firm but her touch was gentle as her nimble fingers came down and played with the first button of his shirt. "I'm as capable as you. That's exactly my point. You know what it's like to watch other people fight in your place, would you really wish that feeling on me?"

She felt such tenderness for him, he looked so conflicted, so lost, she wanted to hold him to her forever. She flicked open the button she'd been playing with and reached up to kiss the exposed skin, earning her a groan from him.

"Hermione, what are you doing love? I'm trying to talk to you."

"Conversation's over Sirius." She backed towards the bed, pulling him with her and unbuttoning his shirt as she went. "I've waited for too long for you, can you tell me you haven't thought about this every day since I went away?"

He loved how she would never doubt how much he wanted her, her doubts were emotional, and they wouldn't heal over night, but when it came to the physical side of their relationship he knew that she had complete confidence in his desire for her. She only had to look at him to know he was thinking of all the things he wanted to do to her; he found it such a turn on.

She had reached the waistband of his trousers now and slowly ran a finger along his soft, tanned skin, before giving in to her impulse to lean down and trace the path her finger had taken with her tongue; she would never tire of the salty, masculine taste of him.

She felt his skin twitch under her ministrations and without warning he grasped her hair and pulled her up to look in his eyes.

"I've thought about this every day since I met you again."

With that his hesitancy vanished, he pulled her shirt over her head and yanked her bra off her before standing back to admire her while her chest was heaving and she was gasping for him through kissed red lips.

"You're a goddess, do you have any idea what you do to me? Merlin, if I could lock you in here forever with me I would." He stepped towards her and nibbled her ear before trailing kisses down her neck, his other hand traced a path from her collarbone down to her breast and as he ran his thumb across her nipple she whimpered.

"I'll never get tired of hearing you make that noise."

His hand carried on its path down her body, running over her stomach, causing her to shiver as he made his way to her back and ever so gently ran his fingers down her spine. All the time he was kissing her mouth, running his tongue across her neck, blowing in her ear, doing all the things he knew would have her climbing the walls.

"Sirius." Her voice was so low, so needy.

He backed her up another step until her legs hit the bed and as she pulled his shirt down his arms, trailing her nails along his skin on the way back up to his shoulders he growled in her ear.

"I'll always want my name on your lips."

He hooked his fingers into the waist of her skirt and pulled it down in one fluid motion, taking her knickers with it. She was trembling now at his touch, at his hands which seemed to be everywhere at once. She went for the button of his jeans but, true to form, he stopped her hands and raised an eyebrow.

"Be good."

She had no choice, she was made immobile by his hands as he parted her legs and ran a finger across her folds, feeling her desire for him.

"When I'm away from you I'll always think of this first touch, of feeling how wet you are for me."

She couldn't help the plea that escaped her lips;

"It's all for you, only for you, Sirius please..."

He brought his hand up between them and sucked his finger into his mouth, closing his eyes for a moment and savouring the taste of her before opening them again a drink in the sight of her naked and panting in front of him.

"Please what my love, what is it you need?"

"I need..." she gasped as he pushed a finger into her, stroking her clit with his thumb in the small circles which never failed to drive all rational thought from her mind.

"What do you need Hermione?"

Her eyes traced over his face, settling on his soft, perfect mouth, a mouth which had made her shudder and sigh time and time again. She brought her hand up to his face and ran her thumb across his supple lower lip. He saw her eyes widen as he nipped the tip of her thumb with his teeth before running his tongue down the digit and across her palm.

"Is that what you need little one? Do you want me to taste you? Do you want me to lay you down and part those beautiful legs and lick you until you're screaming my name?"

"Yes. Please..." Her voice trailed off again as he inserted another finger into her slowly, pushing against the spot which shot bolts of desire through her whole body, making her aware of every inch of her as she cried out for him.

"Say it Hermione, tell me what you want me to do to you."

She felt the familiar blush rush across her face. He always knew that deep down, there was some element of the prudish Hermione left from her younger years and he delighted in the way she would 

squirm under him as he made her say out loud all the things she wanted him to do. He knew she loved how it made her feel so naughty, so wanton.

"Please, I want your mouth on me, make me come with your mouth Sirius, please don't tease."

Please with his victory he picked her up and carried her into the centre of the large bed, laying her down and admiring her pale skin against the dark sheets. She could feel his gaze over her and it felt like fire, the same fire that was creeping up her thighs now as he kissed and licked and nuzzled his way between her legs.

She had always enjoyed this part of sex, but she had never experienced it like it was with him. He knew exactly how to push her, knew just how much she could take before she would explode and he always brought her to the peak over and over before finally letting her find her release. And when she did it was always with his name as a scream on her lips.

His tongue pushed slowly into her opening and she gasped, biting her lip as her lapped at her, she always got off at the way he seemed to love the taste of her, like he could never get enoug, this was no chore for him, this was his vocation!

Slowly, teasingly he made his way to her clit and as he stroked her with his fingers and sucked on her tender flesh she could feel her climax building. He followed that familiar pattern, building her up and letting her down again as she felt her frustration grow.

"Goddamit Sirius, let me go, please... god, please..."

She could feel him smirk against her as he simultaneously pumped his fingers inside her and trailed his tongue back up to her sensitive bud, this time there was no hesitation and he swirled his tongue around and across her mercilessly, holding her hips down as they bucked from the bed and body tensed."

"Sirius." He kept his mouth on her until she couldn't take it anymore and hooked her foot up to his shoulder to push him away. He kissed his way up her thigh and across her body towards her face, letting her feel his hardness against her as he whispered in her ear.

"You're mine forever now little girl."


	41. Chapter 40: Stolen Moments

**Chapter 40 Stolen Moments**

They made love into the evening; alternating between furious fucking and gentle, quiet love, but constantly grasping and searching for each other's bodies with the same passion and fire they had always had, this time though there wasn't going to be any awkward goodbye. The knowledge made the experience so much better and they couldn't get enough.

Eventually they heard a timid knock at the door and Remus' gentle question about joining them for dinner. For a horrible moment she thought he was going to say yes and force her back into the real world, but he grinned at her and raised an eyebrow before letting out a loud;

"We're having a MOMENT." They heard him stomp away with the not quite muffled;

"SILENCING CHARM." Trailing behind him.

Hermione laughed into his shoulder;

"Do you think you hurt his feelings?"

Sirius smoothed her hair back from her eyes, dropping a kiss on her forehead and winking at her.

"No pet, he knows me far too well. I imagine that Molly made him come up here, if it'd been up to him he would have avoided the corridor completely."

"Do you think he heard us?" Sirius smirked and let his hand stroke up the inside of her thigh, earning him a groan as he did so.

"Oh I think he definitely heard, you never did know when to stay quiet!"

"Hey! Don't be so smug, it's very unattractive. I can't help it if you drive me wild." Her body was exhausted but somehow she was still craving him, maybe it was anxious to make up for lost time. Whatever it was she knew she needed a break before she let him ravish her again. She sat up against the head board, pulling the sheet with her to Sirius' disappointment. He flopped down beside her with a disgruntled sigh and muttered;

"I think you find my smugness very attractive actually, that's why you give me so many opportunities to be smug when you scream my name."

He stared at her for a moment and she was so caught up in his eyes she didn't notice the hand creeping towards the top of the sheet before it was pulling down, baring her under his gaze.

She swatted at his hand and laughed, pulling the sheet up and making sure she had a firm grip on it this time and holding his hand with her other, moulding their fingers together she brought it up for a kiss.

"Sirius?"

"Yes love?" It didn't matter how many times he said it, she still shivered in appreciation when he used that term of endearment for her.

"How did you find me?"

"What?"

"How did you know where I was in Siam Reap? I was running for ages and then I ducked down this passageway and saw the door and there you were, like you were waiting for me."

He ran a hand across her stomach pulling her towards him protectively as he winced at the thought of how close he'd come to losing her.

"I didn't, I had no idea. I arrived at the hostel where Remus and I had agreed to meet if there was a problem; it was where I used to stay when I was in hiding. I met Ponleak and Chann there, I had no idea you'd been travelling with the same people or I would have told you to trust them with your lives.

The next thing I knew Remus was on the floor covered in blood and babbling about you. Then the boys turned up and I grabbed Ponleak and we went after you. We had no idea where to find you, but we heard running and it was too many to be you so we ducked into this little building. Next thing I knew you were coming through the door. I didn't want you to scream or hex me so I covered your mouth and took your wand, and then you kicked me in the bollocks." He smirked and kissed her again;

"Charming welcome by the way."

It all seemed like too much of a coincidence to her; she couldn't forget how strong her instincts had been.

"But it doesn't make any sense Sirius, I could feel something pulling me that way, every instinct was being pulled in one direction, and I listened, and it brought me to you, saved my life. What was it?"

He moved himself on top of her and kissed her soundly, smiling at her confusion as he pulled away.

"It was me love. All I wanted in the world at that moment was to find you and keep you safe, sometimes there's a bond between two people, and when you really, truly need them, you'll know where to go. Don't question it, don't analyse it, just follow it Hermione. If you ever need me like that again just set your heart on it, and I'll find you." His hand moved down between them making her gasp at the contact.

"Break time's over pet."

And as she ran her hands across those beautiful shoulders, the ones she'd dreamt about for so long, he whispered in her ear, so softly she almost didn't hear it;

"I'll always find you."

Two hours later she woke up to find a plate of sandwiches on the table beside her and the feeling of Sirius nuzzling her shoulder with soft but delicious kisses.

"Don't know about you love, but I've worked up an appetite." She turned into him and met his smiling lips with her own.

"Me too, you're insatiable." She giggled as he blew into her ear and reached over her for a sandwich.

"But we could just have gone downstairs you know."

He smiled again and pulled the sheet away from her, gazing in awe at her soft skin.

"Yes my dear, we could, but it would seriously have interfered with my plans to keep you naked and in my bed for the rest of your beautiful life."

Their eyes met with laughter and then both turned serious as they thought about the inevitable turmoil they were going to face. This moment in the quiet of the half light, the giggles and soft kisses, it was all just an illusion, temporary, but Merlin knows it was one she would hold on to for the rest of her life, no matter how long that would be.

She kissed him again, reaching for her own sandwich, her tone almost matter of fact;

"You know Sirius, it's these moments I would miss most, when it's just you and me and the rest of the world can't even get a look in."

Without hesitation Sirius caught her wrist in his hands, his eyes glinting almost savage in the dusk;

"No, don't say it."

"We have to say it."

"No, we don't, we can leave it all outside this room, I don't want you to go but I can't stop you, but I can stop thinking about what will happen, because heaven help me Hermione, if I do it will tear me apart."

She gazed at him, something she seemed to spend a lot of time doing, and she didn't count one minute of it as wasted moments. Then the spell was broken as he pulled her down towards him and kissed her soundly.

"That's enough dinner for you, we're not wasting time eating, I have other things in mind."

She was shaking and shuddering, she felt like she'd been this way for days. It seemed absurd that either of them had the strength left to be together this way, but she wouldn't question it, if she died with Sirius' skin against hers, his words in her ear and his lips running over her like they were then she would die a happy witch.

He had turned her over so she lay on her front against the soft sheets. His gentle kisses and nips against her neck and shoulders had made her sigh with contentment and they had distracted her from the path he blazed downward.

As his lips began to move over the skin which she knew was ugly and twisted he felt her tense under him. She had never allowed him so close to these scars. For months she had hidden them, and when she was no longer able to she had shifted his hands, or her body, whatever it took to avoid the issue.

This time though, he wouldn't be denied. He loved the woman in front of him completely, scars, stubbornness and anything else she cared to throw at him, and he'd make her see it no matter if it did lead to a fight.

She shifted under him, trying to turn round, to distract him with her lips the way she had done countless times before. But this time he placed one hand on her shoulder, pinning her down as the other traced along the mottled skin.

"Sirius, don't." Her tone was a mixture of a warning and a plea, but he went on, lowering his lips to her skin again, blowing lightly before tracing the path with kisses. He felt her shudder despite herself.

"It's OK Hermione, let me. I want to love all of you." His tone was so gentle, so earnest, that she had no choice and she let him have his way. As time went on she forgot all about her scar, it didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was the feel of him against her.

He had brought his body flush against her side and she could feel his hardness pressing into her. How did she get so lucky? The man she loved had the stamina of a god, she wondered if they would ever leave the bed.

She moved to turn against him, they had always been face to face when the time came, loving to stare into each other's eyes as they came apart, together. Well all except that one notable time...

But he stopped her, his touch and his movements had become more intense, more aggressive, and she felt a burn of excitement flare up inside her, every time, every single time she felt like it was the first.

He slipped a hand down her back and ran it over her bottom, slipping down between her legs and encouraging her legs to spread. She knew she was wet for him, she always was, and she knew how he would change when he felt her.

She wasn't disappointed, as his fingers slipped inside her and she pushed herself back against his hand he let out a feral growl and pulled her hips up roughly.

_Yes, _that's what she wanted, rough and hard and powerful and strong, powered by love, just like the man himself.

His hands were all over her again, there were some times when he allowed her the time to satisfy herself with his body. She loved to run her hands over the warmth of his body, the ripple of the muscles, the sharp planes of his hips. Every inch of him was like discovering a new world; the sounds that he made when she took him in her mouth would rival the greatest compositions and the way he chanted her name as he came never failed to make her heart beat faster. She loved them together now, neither one was trying to hide how they felt, neither one was running.

This time however was one of the times when he just wanted her to let him devour her. His fingers were playing between her legs mercilessly, pressing harder as he heard her moan into the sheets. His mouth was trailing down her back, his tongue ran along the base of her spine before dipping 

lower, and lower, touching her most intimate places before her turned underneath her, pulling her down to his mouth as he watched her writhe and moan above him.

She was sure he would push her back against she sheets before he thrust into her, but to her surprise he suddenly grinned up from beneath her and flipped them round. Bringing her to her knees and pulling her up by her hair so she was flush against him as he buried himself inside her.

"Oh god." She couldn't help the words, she never had any control over what she said when he was inside her.

"Love you, so much my little witch." His breath was hot in her ear and she ached to look at him, but he refused to let her turn. He thrust into her harder and faster as she felt him begin to shudder behind her, she knew he was close and as he brought his hand round between her legs she felt her own thighs begin to shake and the fire inside her grow and grow until they both exploded together before collapsing forward against the sheets.

Her breath was still coming in gasps as her slipped from inside her and turned her limp body round to press against his own, showering her face with a hundred little kisses which left her giggling at his excited face.

"Merlin Hermione, you're amazing, I've never known anyone who could keep up with me like you."

She shot a mock frown in his direction;

"I don't want to know about who you've _known _thank you."

His face fell for a moment and he caught her face between his hands, forcing her to look at him.

"You have nothing to worry about, I'm yours completely." He looked so concerned she couldn't help but let him off the hook.

"I know." She said smugly before kissing away any opportunity he had to admonish her.

He flopped down on the sheets beside her and pulled her towards him so her back was once again against his chest, she could get used to this.

"Why haven't we done it that way before?" She turned to look at him, seeing his face light up at the memory of just a few minutes ago.

"Well, that's because I love to see this face," he dropped a kiss on her cheek, "these eyes" as he kissed each eyelid in turn, "and these beautiful lips" he kissed her softly, "I love to see your face when you come, you never hold back, I can see every emotion and feeling you have and I love knowing it's all for me."

She nodded in understanding; she sometimes felt she could see the world in his eyes.

"So that's why that day, when I came to your apartment..." she trailed off, unsure how to proceed. As ever he bailed her out;

"Before you got the letter, that time?" She nodded and he looked away, a little guilty before turning back to her again.

"It's because I didn't want to see your face Hermione, if I did I wasn't sure I would ever be able to let you go."

She'd figured as much but to hear it from him made her ache inside for hurting him that much.

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are, it's forgotten." And she knew it was, he wouldn't hold a grudge against her; he was a better man than that.

"Sirius?"

"You're not going to shut up are you?"

"No."

"OK," with a resigned sigh he looked back at her, waiting for the next deep and meaningful chat which had peppered their day so far. He's never been that good at voicing his feelings, it was easier with her and he wanted her to feel secure with him, but it felt like they were battling to get everything out in the open on this one night, and it was draining.

"So what about this time? Why didn't you want to see my face?"

He looked slightly sheepish again before breaking into a wide, relieved smile.

"That's not strictly true love." He pointed to something above her head, and she turned, twisting to follow his gaze. There on the chest of drawers behind her was an antique mirror. She gasped and looked back at him;

"Why you sneaky..." She went to smack his chest only to find her hands caught in his again, their favourite place.

"Now now little one, don't get violent, I didn't put it there, I didn't even realise it was there until just before I turned you round, spur of the moment decision, honest."

He held his breath as he looked at her, waiting for her condemnation or approval, he wasn't sure if she would feel uncomfortable knowing she was exposed to him without her knowing. But the tension broke as she smiled back at him and leaned forward to whisper in her ear;

"Well, there's no sense in ignoring opportunities Sirius, just make sure I can see you as well next time." And with that she sprang off the bed and ran for the bathroom, leaving him staring admiringly at the woman he loved.


	42. Chapter 41: Sing Out Your Battle Cry

**Chapter 41 Sing Out Your Battle Cry**

Who knew the Ministry had so many hidden nooks and crannies? The War Room was tucked away from anyone and everyone, they had traipsed down dark corridors and even darker staircases round corners and through secret black doorways, and it had brought them here, to a cavernous underground lair. The ceilings were immensely high and the room monstrous in its sheer size, footsteps becoming all echoing distractions as a series of Ministry gophers scurried to and from in their efforts to be a part of this day. The dark tiled walls only hinted at their age, but you could almost feel the souls of every man who had plotted downfall here.

Everyone was here now, both young and old. Alastor Moody, eye spinning more frantically than ever. Merlin, how had _he _lived through the wars? Tonks and Remus, both looking worried but solid, as ever, hands clasped under the table. Sirius knew they'd had their own battles about Tonks fighting along side them, but after all, she had been an Auror long before Remus and he stood as small a chance of persuading her to stay behind as he'd had with Hermione.

Arthur, Bill, Charlie, steady and able. The twins, subdued for them with an empty chair next to them conspicuous in Ron's absence. Sirius had felt Hermione glance at the space more than once and was sure she could see her red headed boy sitting in the chair, game face on and ready for anything. He squeezed her hand, not for the first time, and was grateful when he felt her squeeze back.

Harry drummed his fingers on his thigh, occasionally twisting his wedding ring round in a subconscious gesture which Sirius could only assume was a mixture of the brief comfort he found in the thought that he had persuaded Luna to stay at home and the fear for her life and his own. Kingsley's booming presence was almost reassuring, it had, after all, been a feature of almost every meeting he'd had like this one.

Draco Malfoy; legs crossed and eyes cold, Merlin it was so obvious they were from the same blood, neither one gave away an inch of their emotion. Only a frequent twitch in Draco's jaw suggesting this was anything other than another boring business meeting.

Aurors, Unspeakables, heroes and villains, they were all here, some fifty in number as Harry stood to his feet to address them. Sirius had known, of course, that his godson was no longer a boy, he'd been his boss for nearly a year for a start, but nothing had prepared him for the sight of Harry in war mode.

If he had to be honest nothing had prepared him for the change in any of them. He'd heard all the stories, he'd seen the scars, but it was only now that it really hit home to him exactly what hand the war had dealt his friends. They were tough now, every hint of the family he'd loved over the last year or so had vanished. After Hermione's speech he had stayed just long enough to see his friends agree with her, and he'd stayed long enough to see Harry take his place at the head of the table, to see Remus activate various modes of contacting the scattered, he'd stayed just long enough to see the battle machine crank itself back into life, and now he could see it was roaring.

Hermione was different, no doubt. She seemed... taller somehow. Taller and stronger, and cold. The squeeze of his hand was the only indication she had given him that she even remembered he was there at all. He'd worried that trouble would find her, now he was terrified that she would find trouble. He shouldn't have been surprised, when he had caught her in the small building in Siam 

Reap she had been caught off guard and off her game, but she had still brought him down with no wands to his two. Admittedly he hadn't been trying to hurt her, but she'd spun in his arms before he'd even realised he'd caught her and he had no doubt that if he had wanted to hurt her he never would have made it off the floor. It was the look in her eyes...

Harry's voice was loud and strong, he didn't even resemble James anymore, he had outgrown Sirius' last memory of his friend.

"Right, this mission will form part of a joint operation carried out by Aurors and volunteers across the world. For the first time we are seeking help from those of us who do not work for the Minsitry, this is not about departments, it is not about the government. This is about our friends and our families; it is about the friends and families of everyone who is fighting across the world. This is what we've been missing; we have always left them somewhere to run. Well tonight we leave no stone unturned, we will destroy them in every corner of the world, there will be nowhere left for them to hide."

With a flick of his wand the giant table around which they were seated seemed to shimmer and distort before a vast 3-d image formed before their eyes.

"As for where they are hiding now." The dark and looming building depicted in the image in front of him hit home with a slap. Now this was familiar... He looked across to Draco and the fact that, if possible, the man had gone even paler confirmed his suspicions. More than one person was looking at Draco for affirmation and after a moment's pause he gave it.

"A tribute to dear old Mum and Dad I see." He drawled, "I'm sure they would appreciate it. Only one problem Potter; I burned the blasted thing to the ground."

_Good point, _they were looking at the memory of a building long since destroyed. Apparently ghosts haunted Draco as much as anyone and in typical Malfoy style he'd taken a violent and effective approach to dealing with them.

"That's just the point Draco, _to the ground. _I think we all remember what's below the ground?"

That was the point where the words 'hidden manor' finally made sense to Sirius. The Malfoy's infamous hidden manor, never hidden to him of course, he had the right blood. To the chosen few the manor had been a striking sight, to the rest it had been a glimmer on the horizon, wild woodland and un-farmable land, a place which the birds left strangely empty and the grass never quite looked as healthy as it should.

The image shifted to form a map, room upon room of corridors leading to a vast chamber, it looked like, well, it looked like dungeons.

_Holy Shit _they _were_ dungeons. They were _the _dungeons. They were heading back to the very place where his witch had been bound and tortured and scarred for life. He may have thought she was looking for trouble before, one look at her set, white face told him she was determined to find it. It was enough to chill him to the bone.

The plans were set, the teams picked out and the rules laid down, this was a onetime deal, it was secret, it was aggressive and it was a surprise. In short, it was now or never.

He risked another glance at the woman next to him, her hand now ice cold in his own. He opened his mouth, trying to find anything to say to comfort her, or dissuade her, to try and help her, but she cut him off without a chance;

"Don't" And that was it, no argument to be had, no pleas and no promises. They sat together as the minutes ticked away, still, grim and silent. Each one counting their blessings and promising themselves they had lived well, they had loved deeply and they went with their consciences clear. Neither family nor friends tried to comfort each other; no matter how hard they tried to prepare themselves for the worst each was lost in their own private mantra;

_We will live through this. We will live through this. Goddamit, We WILL live through this._

The inscription on the wall above the door, one he had seen as almost trite before, now seemed a lot more inspiring.

_I go now with my head held high, to gladly face that which would threaten our world. The dark may rise around us but from the dawn of time the light has overcome._

Right, well. This was it. Bugger.


	43. Chapter 42:This Was How We Lived

**Chapter 42 This Was How We Lived**

It was dark, it was wet and it was windy. The strong gusts buffeted her as the rain trickled down her back and the stars seemed to have been extinguished from the sky. And she couldn't have been happier about it, the wind and the rain hid any sound and the dark storming sky provided more cover than they could have dreamed of. Maybe the gods were looking out for them. She wouldn't say she was superstitious, but you took hope where you could.

All she could see was the shadow of the man in front of her, for a brief second she wished it was Sirius, she felt she might have been able to quell some of the nausea inside if she'd had the comfort of knowing he was within reach.

_Against protocol _they had said. No couples fought together, the powers that be were worried it would distract from the fight, they had suffered the after effects of a husband desperate to protect his wife. They had also suffered the horrifying reality of a child orphaned completely in one split second, so no, no couples in the same team, give at least one of them a chance of surviving. She almost snorted as a bramble flicked back to catch her cheek; as if she'd want to live without him here. She'd made a promise to herself before she came out; in the quiet of her mind she had heard his words;

"_I will always find you." _And that worked two ways as far as she was concerned, so if he was taken from her, she was following. She wouldn't live in the dark again, not now that she remembered what it felt to have the sun in her face and the wind in her hair.

Harry held up a fist in front of her and she passed the signal back along the line. It was the damn waiting, always the waiting that she struggled with. Contrary to what once might have seemed she had grown impetuous over the years of war, she was always eager to get in and get out, to finish it and move on to the next. She had always viewed each battle, skirmish or exchange as a pit stop on the way to the end, something to be overcome and forgotten, all but a few anyway...

They had been here for long enough and she was twitchy, tense and ready. She felt a hand on her arm and it had the same effect as it had always had as she caught sight of green eyes;

"Keep a lid on it Hermione. You'll get your chance."

It had been easy, over the years, to come close to forgetting what it was that made Harry and her so close. They had taken such different paths since the war ended. But buried low at the edge of the woodland she remembered again; he _knew _her. This was how they had lived once, hiding in the shadows, waiting for the fight. What another man may have mistaken as fear from a woman he knew to be impatience, what another could have seen as shivers from the cold he saw as shivers of anticipation. Neither of them wanted to be here, they would rather be anywhere else, but both were eager to get things started. As she'd begun to say shortly after Ron's death;

"_The sooner we're in, the sooner they're dead." _

What would Daddy make of that?

Across the open grass land ahead of them she saw brief sparks from a wand in the opposite woodland. Harry and her both hissed in unison.

"Put it out."

Someone over there was now probably being subjected to one of Remus' infamous; 'you moron' glares. It had been some time since she'd made that mistake, _if it is dark then close your eyes, you're a wizard for fucks sake, what do you think magic is for? Let it guide you_. She replayed his words in her head more times than she cared to remember. She wondered if had any idea what an army he had trained?

The wolf patronus was at her side before she knew it, Remus' quiet whisper only just breaking through the storm;

"We've got the OK from the lead team." Her heart skipped a beat, Sirius' team were now right on the entrance to the dungeons. The entrance had been recce'd by Luna in her animagus form 24 hours ago, she'd been right to insist, robins weren't exactly on the Death Eaters watch list. The locking charms had been detected and were now in the process of being deactivated. Once they had been disarmed they were in to the unknown. They had tried to plan for any scenario, for any wards or warnings which were in place, but they all knew; it wouldn't be the expected which caused them grief.

They counted down together, but silently. Five minutes, five short minutes and they had broken cover, staying as close to the ground as they could they covered the 150 meters to the secluded entrance at a scrambled sprint. Granite rock always had seemed unforgiving to her, how right it was that it should hide the entrance to the Malfoy's dark secret.

She wondered how Draco was faring in Remus' team. He knew what had happened to her down here, he'd come close to admitting it was that thought which had finally struck the match. He'd rid the world of the house, but the dungeons had survived, like both their memories.

She'd thrust her own memories deep down inside her, this was no time for vengeance. That was her rational mind working anyway, her irrational mind, the louder part of her, was screaming for satisfaction. It didn't matter that everyone who had been in that room with her was dead, it didn't matter that she had taken them down without lifting a wand. They were part of it, they were the spawn of what had gone before, and she was aching to send them to follow their forbears.

First team had vanished down the stairs and taken the left, as planned. Third team would maintain cover to protect Hermione and Harry's team as they entered and then follow them down. Their own team had reached the point of no going back.

Through the door, into the clammy air, down the stairs, backs against the wall. _Keep your eyes to the open, your back to the wall. _Down the last step, over the body prone on the ground; _it's not moving, it doesn't matter which side anymore. _Pause at the first corner, space out along the corridor; _don't huddle, bigger groups are bigger targets. _Quick spell, no one's hiding, move round the corner, keep your spacing; _keep breathing, in and out, control it. _

Past the door way, a click of a bolt, the sound of a footstep; _follow the hand signals, clenched fist – stay still, point at two, wave them forward. _The bolt draws back, signal Harry to keep moving with most of the team; _it only takes one person to take down another, use your team sparingly, you'll need them before the fight is done. _

Creak of a door, a chink of light on the floor; _back against the wall and wait... wait..., _shadow in the doorway, wait one... more...

Body on the floor, cast the glamour; _hide the dead when you can, cover your tracks._

Sounds up ahead, pause again, a shout through the night. _Not Sirius, please god not Sirius. _Keep focused, keep moving. Muffled noise behind you, drop down to the ground, curses flies overhead. Bodies on the floor, theirs, ours, _oh god, George. _

Sound of breathing, not your own, alive, blue eyes shining. Activate first portkey, shove it in his hands, quick kiss through the blood on his face and he vanishes. _Save as many as you can. _Straighten up in the dark;

_Alone, you're all alone._


	44. Chapter 43: Ghosts And Whispers

_Well, writing war is a lot harder then writing sex! Keep the reviews coming please, it's always good to know what you think._

**Chapter 43 Ghosts And Whispers**

All around the world the same scene was replaying itself. From the mountains of Nepal, her dear friends in the jungles of South East Asia, along the woodlands of Eastern Europe and the bunkers hidden deep in the Australian outback wands were drawn and hearts were pounding.

It was this thought that brought Hermione back on track after the first overwhelming stab of panic. It didn't matter how many battles, how many times you had been alone in the dark, it never failed to bring a chill to your bones. But she wasn't alone; she was one of hundreds on the same side, under the same sky.

The corridor was eerily silent as she slipped along the wall. There was _nothing; _no screams, no footsteps, it was just her and the night, and whatever it was that was causing the hairs on the back of her neck to stand on end. The blood in her veins had started to draw her again, and she would follow. Cambodia had kicked her instincts back into action and right now they were positively screaming at her.

This was not the time to be alone, there was bravery and there was suicide, and she wasn't quite in the right frame of mind for the second option. The corridor ended at a crossroads, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't tell which way they had gone. Instinct had abandoned her for a moment, drawing on everything she could she closed her eyes and let the magic guide her. Harry and the rest of the team had appeared to turn left, but...

_Yes, scuffled, echoed_ _noise to the right._

Right it was, sink or swim a decision had to be made, she was no good to anyone where she was.

Half way along the corridor she saw the evidence she needed, a body on the floor, a young man who would almost appeared to have been sleeping if it wasn't for the twisted grimace of pain on his face and the silver, vapid mask just out of reach of his outstretched hand.

Harry had been this way; he had always revealed their faces;

"_They were cowards in death and the world should see them."_

The feeling was getting stronger; there was someone around this corner, just meters away. She kept her breathing shallow, almost silent as she crept towards the end of her cover. Back against the wall she could feel them, closer, closer.

Shit, Harry.

Gut reaction kept their wands pointed at each other for just a moment before he clasped her hands in his, silent words of relief passed between the two of them. He nodded to her right and they 

passed down the passage together, back to back, wands ready and hearing on high alert. She heard the voices before he did, quiet mutterings, not theirs she was sure. They crept closer to a half open door and now there was no mistake;

"What the fuck was that?"

"Relax, it's just one of us."

"I'm telling you I heard something."

"And I'm telling you it's not possible, this place is impenetrable, it would take a Malfoy to get us in here."

"So true." Now that was a voice she knew.

Hermione burst through the door just in time to see Draco enter from the other side, two new Death Eaters to add to the body count. She paused for a moment, they were unawares, they could have been taken prisoner, in another time, another place. As she caught the steely grey eyes from across the room she knew he was waiting for her to condemn. Silly boy.

She nodded her approval silently. There was no time for prisoners now, when the time came, any that were left would be dealt with by the courts, but until this place was under their control they knew what job they were there to do.

It didn't help that the eyes reminded her of _his, _she'd never really considered their bond before, but it was written all over his face, same blood, same pride, same love.

The area was vast, and it wasn't surprising that they hadn't seen the others. But damnit she was worried for him, worried for all of them. The three of them took a moment to regroup in the small room.

"Draco..."

"Saw him five minutes ago, heading to the East wing, he was fine."

"Thank you."

"Any news?" Harry was winding a bandage round his freshly healed arm, biting off one end as he tied the knot. He'd stopped the bleeding with magic but she'd seen the cut, it was deep and raw, but he didn't even wince as he cast a sticking charm on the bandage. In the big scheme of things, she knew, it was little more than a scratch. His face was dirty, blood smeared down one side and matted in his hair. She assumed she was much the same, it had been a look she'd been used to at one time.

"I sent George back in a bad way, I'm hoping Molly can..." The rest went unsaid.

"Moody's down." Draco's voice was flat and it fell hollow in the shocked space between her and Harry. He'd always said he would go down fighting, and Merlin knew he was getting old, but the man had seemed close to immortal.

"And Malakai." Harry's voice laid rest to the strong quiet man who had kept himself to himself through the previous war. He had been no less effective in his quietness though and Hermione felt a shudder run through her. Two dead, one wounded, that they knew of...

"OK, back to it. I'm heading East." Bless this man, he'd taken the words right from her mouth. Protocol may have condemned it but they were fighting properly now, the formation had broken and they were scattered and fighting alone, or in small groups. Protocol could go to hell.

The passageways began to take on a gut wrenching familiarity as they headed east. They looked just like any other, but she knew they weren't, she had walked this way before, in another life. Closer and closer they came to the room where she'd kissed good bye to life, only to be rescued by the man standing next to her, or found maybe, there had been nothing left to rescue her from but herself. Harry and Remus... she sent out a swift silent prayer for Remus and Tonks. Please gods let them make it through this.

She could almost see the ghosts of the people who had died down here... _Ginny. _If she'd tried she probably could have heard her own screams and Bellatrix's unearthly cackle as she took everything she could away from her, leaving her bloodied and broken in the dark. The whispers floated on the air and she wondered if her friends could hear them now, maybe they had their own whispers to follow them;

"_You have nothing left mudblood, why fight it? All that you love will die... just say the word and we'll stop... you can make us stop."_

But to the left they heard the sounds of the present day battle, the one they could win, walls crumbling under curses and the screams and shouts that heralded death. It was loud now, too loud to go unnoticed, this was it, and the battle was on.

Draco slipped off in that direction with little more than a raised eyebrow to them both, his own unique message of love. Who'd have thought that there would come a time when Draco Malfoy moved towards the danger, in the right direction, with the right intentions? His had been such a solid move in the direction of good that no one bothered to question it anymore; it would be like questioning their own loyalty. They would trust him to the ends of time.

Harry was torn; it was a clear as day. A short distance down the way his Aurors, his friends were fighting for their lives and everything in him was telling him to follow his former enemy to their aid. They didn't need words, they never did.

_Go._

_Without you?_

_Yes._

_Be safe._

But she couldn't promise him anything. She'd felt this pull before and she knew what was on the other end of it, he was. But this time she wasn't running for her life, this time it wasn't her that was staring down the business end of a wand. The fear was just the same though, even if it wasn't hers. Nothing on the gods' earth would stop her from following this path.


	45. Chapter 44: The Bitch Is Back

**Chapter 44 The Bitch Is Back**

The overpowering draw in one direction had begun to take its effect. She could feel herself losing her edge as her breathing quickened and her throat began to close; fear, cold stark fear... and it would get her killed.

_A little fear's a healthy thing Hermione, use it._

_OK, clamp down on the bad and utilise the good, compartmentalise. You're alone and you need to be sharp, fear makes you sharp. Good. Fear makes you jumpy and irrational. Bad. So stop it, just one... deep... breath... and...stop._

She backed into the shadows, instinct telling her she had missed something during her mini episode. Dissolusionment charms were useless, the entire complex had been warded against them. No, down here you were forced into the open, well, sooner or later they would get their wish, the pull was getting stronger and she knew that the time was coming.

Still it didn't hurt to keep it quiet for the time being, if she wasn't mistaken there was...

Yep, there it was again, a footstep so soft if it hadn't been for the glass crunching under foot she might have missed it. Had no one ever taken the time to teach these people how to move? Maybe she should thank them; after all, their noise was her survival.

She pushed herself back even further as she skirted the wall, thankful, and not for the first time tonight, for the dark. If there was one thing that stood out above all else in Hermione's vast repertoire of battle skills, it was that she was a night fighter. She was most comfortable in the shadows, taking them down before they even knew where they were, speed and accuracy, these were her gifts and she trusted the dark. She had been Remus' most faithful disciple on this issue; _let the magic guide you, point your feet in the direction of your heart, and follow them._

Right now her feet were pointing her towards the small door, half hidden in the wall beside her, but something was off, her escape may as well have come with a neatly penned note which read;

_He's here_

_Ps. If you walk through this door you'll probably die_

She could see the note in her mind, and she could see the writing turn a dripping blood red as she heard the _other _footsteps, the ones coming at her from the other side of the door. She was being herded.

Oh Hell no.

Did they think she was a child? They were coming at her from both sides, trying to force her through the door, _that way lays danger Granger_. Well she'd be heading through the door anyway, nothing would stop her, unfortunately for them, they wouldn't be around to celebrate their success and follow her in, it really wouldn't do to be hexed from behind now would it?

"OK boys." Without warning she raised her wand in her hand stepped into the semi light of the corridor.

"I could hear you a mile off. Let's get this over with."

She almost laughed as they both froze in their tracks, ah bless, they thought they had been such quiet little field mice. Two wands now trained themselves on her face and for split second she felt the sharp stab of doubt that perhaps she had misread things, where they actually going to try and kill her?

In her mind it had been simple; if they wanted her dead her follower could easily have taken her down in that brief second where she had allowed events to catch up with her. If not killed her he could certainly have distracted her while number two did the deed. But they had been herding her, pushing her towards this door, whatever was in there wanted her too, and it appeared it wanted her alive.

And these poor simple souls seemed to assume they had played the game so well, look, she'd even surrendered, like a lamb to the slaughter.

She wondered if lambs would ever have quite the same grasp of wordless, wandless magic?

A flash and hiss later and there were two piles of dust were monsters used to be, topped with their sinister, shining facades of death. A nice touch, she thought.

Yes, she might be going through that door, though she would never be able to explain why every fibre of her being knew that the rest of her life lay just over the threshold. So she was going in, going through, going over the edge. But damnit, it would happen her way.

She'd known her power had grown since her first step on the dungeon stairs, well maybe not grown, maybe just re-surfaced, but whatever it was it still took her by surprise when the door and surrounding wall exploded with a mere flick of her wand.

It was going to be a hell of an evening.

It wasn't exactly the quiet entry she'd considered, but you did what you could with what you had, and right now she had _power. _

The dust was settling as she walked through the door to the sounds of groaning from the floor on her left. Why the hell would you stand with your back to the door in the first place? Asking for trouble.

She could see a row of figures in front of her, she couldn't be sure but they looked like they were hiding something, and whatever it was it was drawing her, it had caught her from the minute she had entered this stinking pit of vile beings and every step she had taken had brought her here. She wasn't quite so sure it was Sirius anymore, the feeling had taken on a far too sinister quality for it to be his heart calling to hers. Besides, he would never bring her here, she was outnumbered and alone, no, this was the last place he would have wanted her. But it was still the first place she had headed. She took a brief moment the send him her apologies, she had, after all, done exactly as he had feared.

It didn't take more than a second to recognise where she was, she'd seen these walls before, she'd felt them rub against her torn bloody back and she'd ripped her fingers against their sharp edges in despair more than once. Oh yes, she knew exactly where she was, she was back in hell, but this time she belonged here.

She had cast her eyes around the room in less than a second and she knew exactly where they were. One on the floor to the left, one standing. Six in front of her, and something, _something, _behind them. No one behind her, no one following, no one where she couldn't see them. Who needed eyes in the back of their heads? She had magic, it had served her well so far, maybe she could stretch it a little longer.

She took a step to the right and turned slightly, keeping everyone in eyesight. The fool on her left, the one that could still stand anyway, twitched his hand towards his wand. He didn't stand for long.

Interesting; no reaction from the ones in front of her, not a murmured protest, no attempt at retribution. They were waiting, eyes trained on her, these one's weren't underestimating her, it was as if they knew what had happened last time she'd been in this room.

"That's right boys and girls. The bitch is back." It was cheesy she knew, but who could resist the best lines at a time like this, it was what kept you human.

She didn't feel human for long though. Slowly, almost as if they were gliding, floating through the air, the Death Eaters in front of her parted like the tide. And that's when she knew why she'd felt that the rest of her life was through this door, the cracked, bitter, insane voice was almost enough to finish her on the spot. She was going to die here.

"That's no way to talk about an old friend Mudblood. You were talking about me right?"


	46. Chapter 45: Power

**Chapter 45 Power**

So there they were, just like the old days. No one else in the room mattered, it was just them two... except it wasn't. Bellatrix was as terrifying as she had been since the first time Hermione had set eyes on her. A face which was probably beautiful in her youth had festered and sunk into madness, leaving hollow shadows and blackened eyes. This was not the face of a stable witch, it wasn't the face of a dead witch actually come to that.

What the fuck?

And then her eyes became accustomed to the sight of the woman in front of her, and finally saw what lay behind.

_Oh god, if there's a god, or a Merlin, or anything. Please... please no._

Because there he was, in chains she'd once called her own, and she fought for every ounce of self control she had as her eyes travelled over him. Such a short time, they'd had such a short time to inflict so much damage. The rapidly emerging bruises weren't the worst of it, neither was the gash down the side of his face, no, the worst of it, the thing that had her quivering on the spot with barely controlled fury was the familiar smell of burning and the mutilated flesh above his hip.

"Now you're matching Mudblood." Bella sang with a chillingly unhinged giggle. "Such a pretty, pretty pair."

She backed towards him, running her finger across the twisted skin, unnoticed by the unconscious man behind her, and cackling in Hermione's direction again;

"Come come now Hermione, surely you didn't think my dear cousin here was the only one who could come back from the dead? Dark magic brought him back girl, every bit as much as me, what do you think of that hey?"

And at last Hermione found her voice;

"I don't care what brought him back, if it was Dark Magic then it's the only true thing it's ever done. But I'll tell you one thing, nothing will bring you back this time."

It must have been rage which had finally allowed her to speak, deep dark rage which had hidden dormant within her for four years now. Rage which was born and had been nurtured in this very pit. She began to circle to her right, wand steady and leaning forward slightly, never taking her eyes of Bella. There were three Death Eaters to her side and she flicked her wand with a tilt of her head.

"Move."

And without question they obeyed, the atmosphere in the room had spiralled into jagged, electric tension and they were spooked. She had seen the look in Bella's eyes and knew what it meant, this woman wanted her, and her alone. Sirius was an interesting way to lure her here and if he ended up in torment, or dead himself, then so much the better. But Hermione had overtaken his place as the 

most hated of all Bella's opponents. Hermione had taken her down, wandless and defenceless and the knowledge was clearly eating at her.

She continued to circle and she felt her wand crackle in her hand, Bella must have heard it too as her eyes flashed with something... fear? And she took a step to her right as well. Step by step the moved around each other, eyes never wavering, wands never twitching and heads held high. The power in the room must have been a sight to behold but Hermione was more concerned with what was going on inside her.

Remus had once said that rage was not her friend in this kind of situation. But right now she would have to disagree, when she had first seen Bella, first seen Sirius chained to the wall, she had known she was going to die. What she had felt was fear, and love, and grief and it had left her defenceless. Well she wasn't defenceless now, and she wasn't going to die. Hermione suddenly knew, deep in her heart, that she was going to walk through that door and that she would have Sirius with her.

No matter what happened, no matter what it cost her, he would leave this room alive.

She had achieved her first objective; she was standing between the two of them now, where she intended to stay. If she wanted Sirius she would have to go through her first. Two things happened simultaneously, she heard his groan behind her and saw Bella's eyes open wider. At the first hint of a noise from him she had felt the power surge through her, from the roots of her hair to the tips of her fingers and toes she was alive with it, pulsing with energy, blood running hot through her veins.

"Hermione, no." It was little more than a whisper but she knew what he meant. Everything in him would be crying out against her presence here, in front of him, protecting him.

"Shh my love, it's OK, I've got you, I'm here now."

It was time to make a plan, and she could see everything so clearly as Bella snarled at her;

"Always doing the noble thing Mudblood? I don't know why you'd want to protect that blood traitor, I suppose all disgusting vermin sticks together."

"Shut up Bella."

Maybe that's what was threatening Bella she pondered, her calm. She felt eerily calm, she felt in control, she felt invincible. Maybe it was the tingle running through her, the energy which was beginning to crackle over her wand again. This time though, it was close to visible. She risked a brief glance down at her hand and could see... something... blueish something, not clear, not solid, but something. She didn't know what it was, but she was going to use it.

The Death Eaters could see it too and they were slowly, oh so slowly, creeping backwards towards the jagged hole in the wall. Hermione smirked, looked like Bella was going to have to fight this one out on her own, she clearly didn't inspire the same loyalty as her previous master.

Hermione focused her mind on the chains binding Sirius' arms, she was feeling out this new power, figuring out exactly what she was capable of, and exactly how to use it.

_Focus, focus, focus._

Chink.

Yes.

"Stop it." Bella was flustered, this wasn't how she had planned it. She had heard that Hermione was damaged, that she would break. She hadn't expected this... this... power, and hate, it was pouring off her, she could smell it.

Hermione heard Sirius sigh with relief as the cuff on his wrist flew open. A second later though she was frowning again. She wanted, more than anything, to free him from the chains, but she knew as soon as she did he would be more trouble than help. He would try to get between them, try to protect her, and she didn't need that, all she needed was to protect him. And she was becoming more and more confident that she could do that, she felt so strong and Bella looked so weak, almost insignificant, she wondered why she had ever been so scared of this woman, she was no bigger than Hermione, no more powerful, she had nothing that Hermione didn't have, and Hermione had everything. She wasn't a little girl anymore, she wasn't scared and she wasn't mourning so deeply she felt she would drown in it. No, this time she had something powerful to motivate her. She had him.

"Hermione?" His voice was getting louder, he must be regaining some of his strength, all the more reason to do something she knew was going to make him very, very angry.

She spoke without looking at him, keeping her eyes on Bella all the time.

"I'm sorry love."

"What? Why? Hermione... oh god, don't." He could see the shield rising up from the floor to cover him, he could just reach it with his spare hand and it felt as solid as a brick wall. She could hear him flinging himself desperately away from the wall and against the shield, begging, pleading, ordering her to release him, let him help her, let him...

It was too much and with a flick of her hand she had silenced him, but she had no doubt that he was still shouting furiously.

Bella had taken a moment to feel for the Death Eaters behind her, but Hermione already knew she wouldn't find anyone.

One by one she had slipped from the room, self preservation driving them from the potential disaster scene in front of them. They had been amazed at Bella's return on that dark stormy night, they had never really believed they would accomplish it and then there she was. Her return had made them believe anything was possible, it spurred them on to attempt again what had already failed so many times.

But gradually they had lost faith, every move that Bella made, every murder and every attack seemed to be targeted towards this one, small witch. Even Zabini had been obsessed. He had hidden with them for years before she had arrived back, gradually they had begun to look to him for guidance, and it had worked, they had plotted and planned and carried out dark missions of 

mayhem in the furthest corners of the world. Finally, with Bella's return they had felt strong enough to come back to the motherland, to face their forces of destruction.

But it had not worked out as planned, first Zabini's ill thought out attack on the Mudblood, followed by his even less well thought out attack on Bella herself which had left him dead in an alley. They were all in favour of vendettas especially against arrogant little Mudbloods like this one, but somewhere along the line they felt the bigger picture had been lost.

Then this, the dungeons were safe she had told them, they were secure, they would never find them here. Down here, she had said, they could make their plans, as they had done years before. But now they knew, it was a trap, it was all a trap for this witch in front of them.

And she was terrifying.

And they were cowards.

And Bella was alone.


	47. Chapter 46: What Now Mudblood?

**Chapter 46 What Now Mudblood?**

"So here we are." Bella seemed surprised to hear her speak, she was surprised herself actually, she sounded, well, almost friendly, like they were having a conversation.

"What Bella? Did you expect me to cry, did you expect me to beg? I don't remember much begging last time, do you?"

"You filthy Mudblood, you have no idea who..."

Hermione moved closer to her enemy, step by step they progressed across the room as Bella backed up, matching Hermione inch by inch.

"No idea who I'm dealing with? Oh I know who I'm dealing with, we've met before, remember? I'm dealing with a petty, spiteful, bitter lunatic who's been plotting herself into this situation for the last year. I've been living, it makes all the difference you know, living, loving, makes you stronger. _I'm stronger..._" she hissed as she moved forward another step, "and you're bluffing."

Bella spat, even as she backed away;

"_Love," _she said mockingly, "it always comes down to love with you people doesn't it? You sound just like Potter."

As if on cue Hermione heard footsteps thundering down the corridor and the sound of bodies crashing together, with a twitch of her hand she cast a barrier across the doorway with an audible thump. Really, this was becoming ridiculously easy; she wondered how long it would last.

"Oh no, I'm nothing like Harry." She promised as she saw her friend's anguished face on the other side of the barrier before he turned to deflect a curse. There was a battle waging just outside the doorway but they were so separate, here in their bubble, both so set on vengeance, what was happening outside might have well have been in another world. "Harry has goodness in his heart Bella, you know he offered Voldemort a chance..."

"You dare to speak his name?"

"Shut up Bella, I'm talking." This time when she flourished her wand Bella began to grasp at her throat, she wasn't choking, not yet, but give it time and Hermione was sure she could watch this woman choke to death in front of her.

"Where was I? Oh yes, _Harry, _as much as I hate to hear his name on your lips. Harry offered him a chance, he gave him an option. Now you, you have no options, and me? I have no innate goodness, you took it away."

The magic was still pulsing through her, and Merlin was it strong. She was currently maintaining two barriers and effectively muting her opponent as well as Sirius, the air around her was on static fire and blue bolts of magic would occasionally fly from her body, shattering whatever got in their path. But it didn't matter, he was safe, she was safe, it was Bella who was in trouble.

But she wavered, just for a second she wavered as she caught sight of Sirius' face, he looked defeated, and terrified, and she was certain he would never quite forgive her for making him watch this. She had taken him out of the fight because she knew that her concern for him would distract her, and she was right.

A second was all it took and Bella had raised her wand and shot a curse her way, without thinking for a second she raised a hand to deflect it and watched as the silver jet shot higher, and higher until...

_Oh god no._

The ceiling took the blast full on, and Hermione could see the first stones begin to fall towards them. The shield she had placed around Sirius was strong, but it wasn't that strong, if that ceiling came down it would bring fifty feet of earth and rocks down with it, and they were finished.

"Arresto." Her hand was raised in the air and the bricks halted their descent, but it was costing her. Her arm was trembling and she could feel the beads of sweat begin to pool at the base of her spine. She couldn't hold it for long, either the ceiling came down, or Sirius was freed to get himself killed. Failing that she could always open the barrier at the door and let the fight spill into the room, but people could slip away into a crowd, she couldn't risk losing her now. It was just Bella and her in here, and she could keep her in sight, it was just the way she wanted it.

She couldn't risk the chance that someone else might get there first either; she had never felt such a need to be responsible for someone's death. This woman, this horrifying and insane woman in front of her had gone after everything she loved, she'd done it from day one, and it was time it ended. It was time _she _was ended.

Bella was quick, but Hermione was quicker;

"Protego." She shielded herself from Bella's attempt to curse her and shot her own one back before Bella had even caught her breath.

"Sectumsempra"

Bella gasped as the blood began to seep through the front of her robes, her hand clutched at her chest even as she kept her wand trained on Hermione, still trying, still desperate to take her down, even now, when it was clear that she had misjudged this so, so badly.

"Ava..."

"Expelliarmus." Hermione caught the wand in her outstretched hand, but even with the extra help the ceiling was becoming harder and harder to hold. Her arm was fully shaking now and small showers of brick and mortar were crashing down around her. Her mind, just a moment ago so sharp, had begun to blur and suddenly she had dropped the silencing charms and was conscious of noise from every side;

"Hermione, love let me out, you can't hold it..."

"Fine Incantatem, _Fine Incantatem, _Remus, I can't..."

"Hermione, open the fucking..." Draco's voice sounded so far away, mixing with the shouts from outside and Sirius' repeated pleas.

A scream from the corridor, and a cackle from Bella;

"What now Mudblood?"

One more push, she just needed one more push and it would all be over.

With a heavy flick of her wand Bella careered back against the wall, her arms bound and her chest now completely red with blood. Good, Hermione had time to think savagely before the urge to kill over took her completely;

She raised her wand, intending it to be the final time and as she did she felt the magic begin to waver and stutter, it was too much, she was using too much and she couldn't keep going, she was going to fail.

She caught Harry's face again, he had his wand trained on Bella through the barrier, now bound against the wall, just waiting for Hermione to drop the shield and let them in, she knew he wouldn't let her escape but she had wanted so much to much to put an end to her, to cast her into oblivion for the final time. But this is where she had to make a choice, she had enough for one final thing. Suddenly her conscious mind broke through the rage which had gripped her since she first saw Sirius chained to the wall; Kill Bella for once and all, or stop the roof and tonnes of earth from raining down upon them in a shower which would kill them all.

Not really a choice at all now, was it?

In a second she had let down the barrier and watched as Harry rushed forward, wand in hand, he had Bella now, she was no danger to anyone anymore anyway, inches from death as she was. Another wave of her hand brought the shield around Sirius crumbling down and the chains binding his arm vanished with a hiss and a scrape.

And all she knew was the battle to keep the bricks above where they were, she was on her knees now, arms shaking and tears beginning to roll. Just a few more minutes, just long enough to get everyone out and she could let them fall, but everything was aching, her breath was coming in gasps and her head was pounding with the effort.

All though her vision was blurry her ears were working fine and she felt overpowered by the noise all around her, a cacophony of shouting and running footsteps as she heard Remus marshal the troops to their escape and Harry's voice;

"Everyone out people, move, move, move."

And Sirius' warm hand on her shoulder, no more steady than hers in his exhaustion;

"Get out Hermione, let me hold it."

But he wouldn't have the strength, he had no wand and he was on the verge of collapse.

"Leave."

He shook his head vehemently kneeling down in front of her to stare into her eyes;

"No."

"You'll die, now leave."

"Not a chance. You go, I go." And he meant it, the stupid beautiful man was going to stay down here with her as the ceiling fell and the entire complex crumbled around them.

No.

Thinking right now was like moving through treacle, but out of nowhere one final idea came to her; _Merlin, please let this work._

She had no idea if she had enough magic left in her but as she clasped one of the fallen bricks in her hand and muttered the word;

"Portus." She thought she felt something, something weak and sketchy, but just maybe it was enough.

They were alone now, just him and her, the only two people in the world, and as she brought his hand next to hers on the stone and dropped her hold on the roof she never moved her gaze from his desperate, silver eyes.


	48. Chapter 47: Breathe Again

_Sorry, sorry, sorry... It had been an unbelievable week or so. I've hardly been here and when I have I've literally shovelled some food down my throat, loaded the washing machine and run out again!_

_Anyway, the stalker seems to have vanished at last and the world looks like a sunnier place for it!_

_I am not giving up on this at all, I love this story._

**Chapter 47 Breathe Again**

The ward was quiet at night, it was surprising really, Sirius had assumed that night time would be when the screaming happened. But there was very little screaming on this ward, there was very little noise at all, this was where the sleeping ones lay.

The silence was deafening really, coupled with the stark white of the walls and the sharp, acrid smell of medicinal potions it had given him a headache he'd not been able to shake...

For two fucking weeks.

Two weeks on this chair, two weeks with this small hand in his, two weeks of reassurance;

"She'll be fine, we're not worried, she just needs to re-charge."

Well, they might not be worried, but he sure as hell was.

The door creaked as it opened and the sound seemed so rude, so brash in this dead, flat night that he almost laughed out loud.

"Any change?"

Harry sat down on the floor against the wall, hair falling into his tired green eyes, James' eyes. He was pale, they were all pale. The raid had been a success, and Bella was dead, Hermione had her wish. But it had come at a cost; Arthur Weasley and he had shared more than one shot of whiskey over their eternal visuals, Sirius couldn't help but feel ashamed that he was just so relieved that it was George who was prompting the worried glances and lowered, hushed tones, not Hermione. There was a chance he would never wake up, Hermione had done a good job sending him back as soon as she did, but in truth no one really knew what would happen to either of them

Sure, the Healers were confident that she would one day leap from her bed as good as new, but it seemed like arrogance to him, did they know what they were dealing with after all? Did any of them? And that was just on the outside... Merlin only knew what was going on in her head. It was a bleak place at the best of times.

"No. Any news?"

He stretched his legs out in front of him and braced his back against the chair, trying desperately to bring some life into his aching muscles.

"Some. Remus thinks he's figured out what brought her back." Bella, obviously, no one referred to her by name anymore. "He thinks that Hermione didn't kill her the first time, she banished her, it has 

something to do with her soul. To be honest the theory is beyond me, as far as I can work out Hermione drew on something dark and ancient and separated Bella from this world, leaving her body behind, but it wasn't really her body, it was more like an imprint, that was what we found anyway."

He shrugged slightly, embarrassed to be unable to explain it properly;

"He said..." and now here it came, something unpleasant, he had the same poker face as James; useless.

"Spit it out boy."

"He said that, by the information we've coaxed from the prisoners, he believes she came back... well she came back..."

"The same night I did?"

"Yes." Harry wasn't fully looking at him now, if it hadn't been such a serious conversation Sirius would have been tempted to laugh at him. He already knew what they were going to say, he was only looking for official confirmation.

"So I came back because they were trying to return her? It's the blood isn't it? The blood brought us both back?"

"Yes."

"Well, there it is, thought as much. Can't really say how I feel about that yet. Sick mainly I think. Mind you, that could just be the smell of this place."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Don't bullshit me Sirius."

"Fine, I'm not fine, I'm the opposite of fine. I can't believe you asked her to be a fucking Auror Harry, you know she'll do it?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think she would." Harry was looking at him now, he was unrepentant and Sirius guessed they were going to have the same conversation they'd had a hundred times in the last fortnight. But this time he had come to a decision.

"She told me it would all be over."

"She lied."

"I know."

"This is what she's good at Sirius, it's what she wants."

"She's good at anything and everything Harry and she doesn't have a clue what she wants."

"Don't talk for her. She'll tell you her reasons when she wakes up."

"Well I'm not sure I'll be here to hear them."

"What?" Harry was thunderstruck, this wasn't at all the way it usually went, generally Sirius berated him for putting her in danger and he defended her right to choose her own path. Then they sat in quiet and each sent up their own private prayers for her safe return.

This was different, he'd been in this room for two weeks and something had been brewing, privately he'd agreed with Remus that something had passed in that room they had not been aware of. Either way, Sirius hadn't been quite his self since then. Harry didn't doubt that he loved Hermione with his whole heart, but right now he was seriously doubting how healthy they were together, would it always be this hard for them? Was it worth it?

"I can't watch it Harry, she'll go hunting you know, she'll go to every corner of the world looking for them, looking for trouble. I do a dangerous job, we all do, but she's on another level Harry, she was very, very frightening in that room. She wasn't the woman you know, and she wasn't the woman I love. I'm not sure who she was. But I won't stay here while she turns herself into that person, and you've offered her exactly what she needs to get there. You've given her the keys to the fucking kingdom and she'll run with them. I'll be a side issue."

"Sirius, you don't mean that, she loves you, she'll..."

"I know that, I knew before she did, but it won't matter, she'll go after them and it will kill me. I'll be here until I know that she's safe, I'll be here long enough to hear her decision. I'll be here long enough to tell her I love her. But then I'm leaving."

None of them had really seen her that night, had seen how close she came to letting the ceiling come down on all of them in her rage and desperation to squeeze the life from Bella until there was nothing left. He'd always loved the strength in his girl, but that hadn't been strength, it had been madness. They would accuse him of leaving when she needed him most, but she wouldn't let him in, he knew that, they all knew it really. There wouldn't be a place for him where she was going.

He'd been horrified when Harry had told him about his job offer, for the first time the two men who loved each other so dearly came dangerously close to blows. It had only been Remus' timely entrance and Luna's panicked eyes which had held him back. Of course over time he'd come to realise how far apart Harry and Hermione had grown. He loved her as much as he ever had, but he didn't know her quite as well as he once did. He didn't quite know what lay behind those beautiful brown eyes, Sirius wasn't sure anyone did, only the people she'd killed, last time or this, and him. The one she loved, the one she had kept bound to the wall, useless and vulnerable, as she came apart in front of him, as the air around her had caught fire and the room had chilled to a temperature which was achingly familiar to him, even if he couldn't quite place it.

Wherever he had been for those eight years it had not been a happy place and the way he had felt in that room, the way she had made him feel... It was a miracle he hadn't run as soon as his feet hit the ground.

"Leaving where? For how long"

"Anywhere. For as long as it takes until I can breathe again"

_Till we can both breathe again._


	49. Chapter 48: Taking The Easy Way Out

**Chapter 48 Taking The Easy Way Out**

The wind was strong and unforgiving on the roof terrace of St Mungo's, cigarette tabs littered the ground and made Sirius feel slightly better about the one in his own hand, damned muggle things, he hadn't touched them in years, but it had all been too much down there. Hermione had shown signs of movement earlier in the day and, one by one, her friends had arrived to wait for her to wake, ignoring the Healers who cautioned that it may be some time. No, they wouldn't have to wait, they could feel it. It was an intuition they didn't try to explain to outsiders, this little group had been through so much sometimes it felt like they were just one being.

He had come up here to pace in solitude, to avoid Remus' concerned gaze and Harry's constant questions;

"I still don't understand, why are you leaving?"

He knew, deep down, it was a fair question, after all he loved her, she loved him back, it was what he had been waiting for, for so long now. But that didn't mean it was bomb proof, it didn't mean that they would get their happy ever after, and it didn't mean that hugs and puppies as she'd so eloquently put it, would be the order of the day.

He had never seen Hermione in battle before that day, he'd barely seen more than 30 minutes of her then as it was, but Remus had filled him in on the blanks, he'd confirmed his fears. Hermione, as a fighter, was ruthless, determined and fearless; ever since Ron had died she'd treated the war as her own personal quest for vengeance. He played back snippets in his mind of every conversation he'd had with Harry on the subject, trying to find a fault in his logic, trying to argue himself out of what he knew to be true.

"But Bella's dead."

Yes Harry, Bella was dead, and thank Merlin for that, but were the raids around the world a unilateral success, was every corner of the globe rid of Death Eaters?

"Well no, but..."

But nothing, she's seen they're back now, she's been targeted and hurt and seen her loved ones in danger. How could Harry believe she would do anything other than seek them out? What if one of them went after someone she loved again?

"She'd have to wait in line."

But he didn't see, she wouldn't wait in line for her turn, she'd be in the front of the bloody line, eyes blazing and looking, for all-the world, like she had nothing to fear. Because that's how she'd looked that night, as if there was nothing left to worry about, she'd stood in front of him and stared down the most dangerous witch of their time as if she was little more than a fleck of dirt on her shoe. He truly believed that after the first initial flush of doubt she had never felt herself in danger, she felt the rush of the magic running through her and it had thrilled her, that rush came from rage, and she would crave it now.

Merlin knows she wasn't a stranger to addiction, it wouldn't be the first time she'd let her emotions guide her, and they weren't on the light side, the things that had guided her before had been anger and sorrow and loss and they weren't feelings that went away in a hurry. During their brief and bizarre interlude of semi peace she'd had time to try and process what was going on in her mind, but it hadn't been long enough, and when they went into that dungeon she hadn't been better. It had been too soon. He knew it and so did she; she'd as good as confessed it.

"_I can't make you any promises. But I'll always love you."_

And that's what really scared him, over the past months she had begun to appear to be the Hermione they remembered. She was rational and loving and smart, she thought about consequences, she thought about him.

She was brave, oh yes, she was brave, but she wasn't foolish. She didn't live in a world where she didn't need anyone, where she could manage alone, where it was better for her to be alone. She didn't wake up in the dark haunted by a thirst for retribution and an anger she couldn't quell. That had been the old Hermione, the one who had grown up into a dark and frightening woman, the one who had inspired fear in some of the most hardened men. The one who believed she was a one woman army. He'd heard about the risks she'd taken in the war, he'd seen her ability to close herself off and he'd seen the direction she went for release, for peace, and not one bit of it was looking good to him.

He didn't know who was going to wake up in that bed, he couldn't quite explain why he was so certain he would end up leaving, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it wouldn't be the new Hermione, it would be the old one.

"But you fell in love with the old Hermione."

Yes Harry, he had fallen in love with the old Hermione, the broken Hermione, the hopeless Hermione, and look where it had gotten him, bitter and broken hearted. And he hadn't been the one there picking up the pieces of her meltdown, he'd been angry and cruel and violent with her. He hadn't been the one who had put her back on the right track, he'd been the one who'd hurt her, when she was delicate and looking for forgiveness he'd hurt her.

"If you're right then doesn't this give you a chance to do the right thing this time?"

Yes Harry it does, and doing the right thing is leaving.

If he didn't know himself, if he didn't know every fault in his character as if it was written in the sky for everyone to see he might be able to kid himself into believing that he should stay. But he did know himself, he knew how she affected him, and he knew that with every wrong decision she made, or every time he was worried for her, every time she took a drink, because she will drink you know? Every time she closes herself off from him and everyone around her, he'd lash out. He'd try so hard not to, but in the end he'd hurt her as much as she was hurting him. Could anyone tell him that was right? That it was healthy? That love was love and that was that?

"I think you're taking the easy way out."

What easy way out? If there was one could someone point it out to him? Stay and watch her suicide mission, risk making it worse? He would smother her in fear and she would rebel against it. Or leave? Miss her like he missed air, doubt himself, doubt her, do nothing but worry for her every day, but know that he wasn't provoking her? Which was the easier way out Harry?

"What will she think if you leave her?"

"She'll agree with me."

"Are you insane? Of course she won't agree with you, she'll be devastated, you're making things worse."

"Trust me Harry, she won't want me there. Don't ask me how, but I know. When she does want me I'll know that as well, and I'll be back."

If he was right, if what he saw in her eyes as she'd got them out of that room was still there, then she was going to self destruct again. Call him a coward, call him whatever you liked, but he wouldn't stay to watch, he recognised the signs, he should, after all hadn't they been written on the wall for him long ago? Who could say that had turned out well?

He'd never said he wouldn't love her anymore, just that he couldn't watch her slide back into that black hole. And he knew as well, that the only person who could stop her was herself.

"I think you're wrong."

"You don't need to agree with me, you don't need to believe, you just need to be there for her. Because I can't."


	50. Chapter 49: I’ll Be Waiting

**Chapter 49 I'll Be Waiting**

In the end it was just he and Harry in the room when she woke. The hours and the minutes had ticked by slowly and one by one their extended family had slipped from the room; babies to bed and Weasleys next door, to a bedside which was looking increasingly hopeless.

"Hermione?"

Harry's voice had woken him from his light sleep and it took him only a second to find his eyes meeting her own. It hit him with a jolt, once again, just how beautiful she was and how much he would miss her.

"Is she dead?"

Yes, he would miss her, because he knew for certain now that she would take the job, the challenge, the danger. Her first words in nearly three weeks and they weren't words of love.

He allowed Harry to fill her in, but she never broke eye contact as she took it all in, the list of the dead, the information they'd found out, the Death Eaters still out there. He was pretty sure she could read his gaze as well as he could read hers, and he was equally as convinced that the regret in her eyes was mirrored in his own.

They both knew what was coming; again. This time there wouldn't be shouting, no hurtful words and no bitterness, just pain on one side and, he couldn't think what on hers. Would she miss him when he was gone? Would it hurt her as much? He believed it would but he knew that her certainty that she was doing the right thing would numb the sense of loss.

She was lucky; he would have no such outlet. For him it was going to be crushing, shattering loss and heartbreak. He didn't know if it was forever but there was the chance, Merlin there was the chance she wouldn't even live through it, or him, he was an Auror himself after all. He knew all about fighting the good fight, but would he leave her for it? Could her leave her for anything? Yes, he could leave her now, would leave her now, he wouldn't watch as she crumbled away again. And she knew it.

How was it that they knew so much without words? They'd hardy talked in the big scheme of things, caught between one extreme and another, anger and passion, tears and tenderness, but rarely words. So many of the conversations they'd had seemed to have passed almost entirely without any sound at all, a few notable arguments notwithstanding.

It was the letters, it would always be the letters with them, they were both so much more comfortable expressing themselves with a barrier in-between them, be it written words then, or silence now. Right now they only needed to be in the same room and they spoke volumes to each other.

Harry finished his brief history of the last few weeks and lent down to place a soft kiss in her forehead;

"We'll talk later. Love you."

"Love you too." For the first time she broke eye contact with Sirius to smile at her oldest friend, she guessed she would be seeing a lot more of him soon.

He didn't know why he didn't move closer after Harry left the room, he seemed glued to his chair across the room from the bed. The splinter of light cast by the moonlight lay between them and illuminated them just enough for her to see his heartbreaking.

"Are you taking the job?"

"I have to."

"I can't stay and watch this."

She started to raise her arm, to reach towards him and then thought better of it and drew it back towards her body, cradling it against her chest as if the very action of nearly touching him had burned her, like she had burned him.

He realised why he couldn't risk getting any closer. One touch, just one little touch and he'd beg and plead and break as she remained immovable. She looked as if she may feel the same, and if he wasn't mistaken there was a definitely tremor in her hand as she drew it back. He almost felt guilty at the sharp stab of relief that rushed through him, these signs that this was so hard for her as well were the only thing that gave him any shred of hope that one day, however long it took; there might be a chance for them again.

"I know."

Her voice shook as he moved towards the door, turning back just once to hear her whisper;

"I love you."

_I'll come back._

"I know."

_And I'll be waiting._

The doorbell was swaying slightly in front of him and he once again congratulated himself on his decision not to apparate. Whisky and magical teleportation did not go hand in hand.

"Exactly how drunk are you?"

Remus' friendly, open face hovered in front of him and he could have wept with relief.

"On a scale of one to ten?"

"Yes, on the infamous Black scale of drunkenness what heights have you achieved this time?"

"That depends, Tonks and Teddy home?"

"No, at her mothers."

"Six."

"Bollocks."

"OK, eight, eight and a half. Pretty drunk." His face crumpled despite his best efforts and only a superhuman masculine pride defending effort stopped the tears from falling. Remus clasped his shoulders immediately and drew him into a comfortingly solid hug.

"It's all gone shit..." Sirius muttered into his shoulder.

"I know mate, I know. Come in."

Ah, thought Sirius, the kitchen table, the scene of many a breakdown over the years. This table had belonged to Remus' mother and had played host to all of the Maurauders doubts and whiskey fuelled meltdowns at one time or another. Contrary to popular belief James had not been the only one to have a family that adored him and Remus' house had played a large part in Sirius' adolescent years.

Since then the table had followed Remus from place to place, even residing in Grimmauld Place for a short time. The lives and loves of the years were scratched into its battered surface. Love in the literal sense of the word if Sirius remembered one Christmas Eve party correctly; Remus had never had the self control to remember the locking charms, as Misty Pritorius had learned to her cost the year after graduation.

He smiled at the memory of the look on her face as three drunken men had fallen through the kitchen door in search of more whisky to find her desperately trying to cover herself while Remus grinned sheepishly at her from between her legs and shrugged at her as if to say 'what can you do?' The action felt unfamiliar on his tired muscles, so used to frowning over the last few days.

"I'm your friend, so I say this with love. You look like shit." Remus placed a hot steaming cup of coffee in front of him and settled down across the table.

"And you've been staring at that table as if it's the answer to all your problems."

Sirius allowed himself a wry grin and said with a smile;

"I've been drinking for 36 hours Remus. Maybe this table is the answer to all my problems, this is where the plans are hatched after all."

"So do you have a plan?"

"Yes, quite an ingenious one actually."

"Care to share?"

Sirius took a large gulp of his drink and grimaced dramatically;

"Ugh, this coffee has no booze in it."

"No. That was my plan."

"Your plan is crap. Fix it."

Remus sighed and produced a hidden bottle from the chair next to him, adding a liberal splash to the coffee which was supposed to help sober his best friend up.

"So?"

"Well, first I'm going to run and then, and this is the brilliant bit, I'm going to hide."

"Right. Run and hide."

"Yes."

"Not your best plan is it?"

Sirius' head hit the table with a 'thunk' and it took Remus a minute to decipher his muffled tones through a the thick wall of hair;

"No, it's a fucking awful plan for my fucking awful life."

Remus patted his friend's shoulder awkwardly and cast around desperately for something comforting to say. In reality he knew there was nothing he could do, any words of reassurance would sound like meaningless platitudes when no one really knew what was going to happen over the coming months or years. Instead he settled for being there in comforting almost silence;

"The plan table failed didn't it?"

"Yes Sirius, the plan table failed."

"I'm such a loser."

"Don't worry mate, I won't tell if you don't."

"Our secret?"

"Yes, our secret."

And that was enough, all through the years these two friends had stood beside each other when possible and they knew, intrinsically the hows and whys of the other ones heart and soul. Sirius was in front of him in pieces, there was no anger, that's what really had him worried. Last time there had been anger and he'd been fairly comfortable with the idea that even if Hermione hadn't seen sense his friend would have been OK.

This time there was only pain and acceptance, he would wait while she followed whatever path she chose, he would wait and hope that the path she took would eventually bring her back to him, alive and well and ready to build a life together, to finally let him have the life he wanted. He would wait, and pray for her, and it would be the hardest thing he'd ever done.


	51. Chapter 50: Need Me Enough

**Chapter 50 Need Me Enough**

She had been discharged from hospital three months ago and since then the minutes and the hours and the days had flown by and blended together and, right now, she would honestly be hard pushed to tell anyone where she was.

She was in a bar; that much was certain. The time and effort, blood sweat and tears they had devoted to their reconnaissance, planning and battle over the last week had paid off and the world was light by ten Death Eaters; eight dead, two in prison. Somehow the statistics always ended up on the light side when it came to taking prisoners. In another time, another place, she may have paused and questioned the morality of what they were doing.

But this was neither the time nor the place.

No, this was the time for celebration, this was the time for comparing wounds and battle stories and life stories when it came down to it. This crew, her team, her comrades in arms.

John Hazelmere had nick-named them the SAS, his father had been a muggle and a proud soldier in this elite, feared and respected British Army Regiment. She supposed, as she looked around the table, that there were similarities.

Everyone here was tough and ready; they were marked by battle and addicted to it. They packed their bags with ruthless efficiency and moved from place to place, country to country in practiced silence.

John, he was probably the most similar to her, muggle born and raised, shocked by his Hogwarts letter and immersed in the wizarding world before he even realised what was happening. He'd married young, young and naive and had then watched as Death Eaters had burned down his house and wife while he quietly lost the very last shred of hope he had. And since then he'd been getting his revenge.

Of course none of them saw it as revenge. No, they'd been called to duty and they had answered. Never mind that every so often she would question the exact motive behind forming a group of angry, ruthless and potentially suicidal fighters and sending them off to fight covert missions in foreign lands. Governments had been doing that for years and if they were using her for their own ends shouldn't she, or all of them, do the same?

Marta, older and more scarred then any of them. She'd been fighting for as long as she could remember, as had her parents and their parents before her. She was from the heartlands of Eastern Europe and she possessed a hardness unique to that part of the world. Occasionally though, when they found themselves in a rare moment of peace under a cloudless blue sky she would smile with an joy that shocked everyone who saw it.

"This is why I fight, children." She would tell them.

Austin, tall, strong and beautiful, but cold and sharp. No one really knew much about him other than he was someone you would be happy to have watching your back. And he was a man who liked to spend his free time shagging whoever he could find. From what she'd heard he would leave his 

women satisfied but somehow empty inside and, she imagined, he probably felt the same way himself.

Elizabeth, young, sweet, idealistic and fearless. Like Austin she kept her cards close to her chest but Hermione knew something must have happened to put that zest and anger behind her eyes. This girl would hunt to the ends of the earth. She wanted every last one of these 'people' dead, and Hermione was pretty sure she would end up sacrificing her own life to do it.

Ten of them in total, the 'Seek and Subdue' branch of the Ministry's Auror division. They'd been given cart blanche across the world following some clever negotiation by the British Ministry. After all, didn't they have a depth of experience when it came to these matters? Wouldn't the rest of the world benefit from their expertise? From their dedication? From their crazy, fearless warriors who would scour the globe for evil and stop it in its tracks?

Never mind that it was just another way for the Ministry to protect its assets around the world, never mind that it was a cynical attempt to stamp its authority as the police state of the globe. No, they knew all these things, the group around this table, but they didn't care. Each one of them was here for their own reasons, and they would see where the journey took them.

Because Merlin knows it had to go somewhere.

Slam. The shot glass hit the table in front of her and she wiped her mouth with relish. Oh, how she'd missed that burn. It didn't seem quite clear now, why she'd stopped drinking in the first place. Right now it seemed like the sensible thing to do. For the first time in what felt like weeks she was warm and dry and inside, among friends. And it felt right to be sharing the joy of their success in this way.

The after parties were always raucous and extreme, you wouldn't expect this group of people to chat around a glass of wine would you? No, they drank and danced and argued and occasionally came to blows. And they fucked. We'll most of them did anyway.

"You're the only one who doesn't fuck." Austin's brown gold eyes bored in to hers across the table and she had the uncomfortable feeling she'd become his target for the evening.

"Excuse me?"

"You don't fuck. Not me, not John, not anyone as far as I know. It's been three months Granger, everyone here's pretty much slept with everyone else. Everyone but you."

"That's my business."

"Pining for someone on the outside?"

"Outside of what? You make it sound like we're in prison."

He chuckled at her and for a brief moment he reminded her very much of Draco Malfoy. There was something cynical about him, mixed with something good. She couldn't put her finger on it, the 

same way she'd never been able to do with Draco, but it worked for him and who knows, she may have been interested if it hadn't been for... well, best not to think about that right now.

"Aren't we?" His voice brought her back to earth with a bump, deep grey eyes and warm tattooed skin flitting from her mind as quickly as they'd entered.

"Aren't we what?"

"In prison, we'll all trapped by one thing or another. Why else would we be running across the world trying to get ourselves killed?"

No, absolutely not, no hinting at reality and ulterior motives here thank you. She was happy with her illusions if it was all the same to him.

"Because it's right, it's the right thing to do. They need to be stopped."

He smirked at her again;

"It's the only thing for people like us to do Hermione." His use of her first name startled her, and for a moment she felt herself waver, drawn in by the intensity of his gaze. But it was the wrong gaze, always the wrong eyes, the wrong eyelashes. The eyebrows were always the wrong thickness, the creases in the corners of the eyes were always too few, or too many. The cheekbones never cast the right shadows across skin which she didn't ache to touch, to taste. The lips never looked as supple, they were never the right shape, the jaw was too soft, or too set. The smell, the smell of every man who'd run his eyes over her during the last few months, it wasn't right, it didn't make her quiver and it didn't cause her breath, or heart to quicken. None of it was right.

They had met once more before she'd left. It had turned out he didn't need to leave after all. Her new work would give him the distance from her he needed, not wanted, just needed.

She'd closed her bag and bound it shut with a flick of her wand. Another flick and her draws closed, clothes not suited to her mission folded and stowed away. Flick, the bed was made, the pictures straightened and the letters she treasured safely tucked away.

Flick, the curtains were drawn, the bag was miniaturized and she was through the door, sighing as it clicked shut softly behind her.

"Hermione."

Oh god, not now, no rowing now, she should have known it was too good to be true, that he hadn't tried to change her mind.

"I'm not going to try and change your mind." OK, so not changing it, reading it maybe.

She slowly turned and faced him; hand on her heart as if she could prevent it from bursting through her chest. For minutes, or hours, they stood in silence relying on it to say what they couldn't.

Sirius finally found his voice, shaming her with his bravery; she would never have been able to start the conversation.

"I just came to remind you of a couple of things. Things you might forget... where you're going."

"I don't know where I'm going." Was she being deliberately obtuse? She wondered. His meaning was as clear as day.

"Yes you do. You're going back." Oh yes, back, back to her old self, back to old times, darker times, more comfortable times for her somehow. It was easier not to try, and she'd thought she wouldn't have to try now, that she could go where the wind took her. And maybe it would have been true; she could easily have managed not to try at all, if it hadn't been for this man. She still couldn't quite decide if she loved him or hated him for it, once again, oh yes, definitely back to old times, back to old Hermione.

She said nothing, what could she say? It wasn't like she could argue with any plausibility, and to deny it would be insulting them both.

"So, I came to remind you that I love you." He came a step closer, and another, his movement almost silent in the still hallway, the sound of her heart drowning out any other noise. His hand rose to her shoulder, to caress it, tracing patterns on her skin and on her soul as it moved towards her neck, skimming almost feather-light, but powerful nonetheless.

She swallowed audibly and she could feel his hand still as her skin had twitched under his touch. It was only for a moment though, and then it carried on travelling. It moved to cup her jaw as his eyes held hers and she stood, trapped against this wall, ready to leave, and desperate to stay forever. His thumb traced her lip in a tribute to ever first moment they shared. Their first kiss, their first time together with love in the room, acknowledged and accepted, and now this, maybe the last time.

He brought his face towards her and kissed her gently, soft but perfect. It had been a kiss which made her shiver now just to think about it. His lips had barely touched hers to begin with, and then he'd pushed closer and traced his tongue across hers as she sighed into his touch. It had been so unhurried, as if they'd had all the time in the world to bask in each other, as if this was just a moment in time, not a goodbye. One hand had cupped her face and the other tangled in her hair, tilting her head back ever so slightly, ensuring her eyes were raised to meet his as he pulled away and whispered.

"And I came to remind you that if you ever need me enough, I'll be there, just think about me." His voice cracked as he continued, "just want me enough Hermione, need me enough."

And with that he turned and walked away.

"You tell yourself what you want Hermione." Austin continued back in the present day. "But I know why we're here, and it's not because it's the right thing to do."

And, in the future, when she looked back, she'd know that this was the moment. Yes it had taken time, she'd had lessons to learn, but if she really thought about it, right now, in this sawdust and spit bar in god knows where, this was the time she began to doubt, the time her conviction stuttered.

This was the moment she started to turn towards home.


	52. Chapter 51: Ready Or Not

**Chapter 51 Ready Or Not**

Another three months later and the ice cold London air was like heaven to her. The wind whistled along the narrow City streets and she pulled her coat around her, burrowing into its soft warmth as she busied herself postponing the inevitable.

She always forgot how much this city meant to her until she was back. Busy streets and quiet corners, the old buildings, statuesque and proud juxtaposed with the glass and glamour of new London and she loved them both.

Of course, that didn't mean she was happy to be back.

R&R they had called it, a chance to kick back and relax. She scoffed at the thought, how the hell did Harry think she could relax here? Of course she didn't doubt he'd had ulterior motives when he'd ordered them all home. After all he'd been arguing with her for three months now. She'd seen the signs in him some time ago; he was beginning to doubt. She'd recognised the process because she was fairly sure she was going through the same thing.

What exactly was it she was doing again? Oh yes, making the world a safer place, killing parents and sons and daughters, decimating families and jailing kids only just out of their teens, or not in some cases. She was pacing the world with the rest of their increasingly silent group, the ones that were still alive anyway.

She'd seen it in Harry's eyes every time they'd had to arrange the return of a body, every time he'd issued new orders, every time he'd repeated the lame excuses he'd been given as to why they were being sent to the middle of nowhere to terrorise people who needed educating, not frightening.

He hadn't been with them all the time but she had filled him in over late night whisky. They had become almost as close as they had once been at school. Once again finding reason in each other, in a world which was starting to look slightly blurry at the edges. She explained how she had begun to realise that perhaps they weren't going quite the right way about things, couldn't there be another way? Could you put these people in the same group as Lucius? As Bella? Didn't there have to be a better way?

On that they had agreed, something was off, they were feeling increasingly like puppets following a path they hadn't chosen. Hermione had been granted the freedom to do exactly what she wanted, wipe them from the face of the Earth, so why was it she hadn't felt quite the same exhilaration recently? Why was it that she now packed out the prisons, not the graveyards? Why was it that she was starting to feel like there may be blood on her hands?

Why was it that every time she closed her eyes she saw the terrified look on the faces of children as they watched their parents herded away at the point of her wand? Wasn't she doing the right thing? Isn't this what she had wanted?

And Harry had seen her change and pretty soon he had begun the incessant drip, drip, drip torture which had brought her back here.

"Go home for a bit, you need a rest."

"I can rest anywhere, it doesn't have to be there."

"Go home Hermione, they miss you."

"I miss them."

"He misses you."

... silence, what could he expect her to say when she didn't know herself. If she went home before she was ready, before she'd removed this cancerous, angry lump of rage from herself, if she left again he would never forgive her. This time it was all or nothing, she didn't need him to tell her that.

"Hermione..."

"I'm not ready."

_I'm not ready_

_I'm not ready_

It had taken a Ministry order to get her to set a single foot back on home soil, although it's not as if she couldn't have ignored it if she wanted, after all she was beginning to know where the bodies were buried, she was hardly to be trifled with. But the heat of far away continents had begun to grate on her, the dust had taken up permanent residence in her eyes and throat and she missed her fireplace, her garden, her roof terrace. She missed St Pauls and the Natural History Museum and the way the Embankment lit up at night in colours which were more magical to her than anything else she had felt recently. She missed the leafy quiet of the Battersea Park pagoda and the painted houses along Chelsea streets. She missed her idealised, perfect London.

And she missed him.

And now here she was, and as a bus nearly ran her over for the third time and tourists got in the way of every step she basked in the noise and the pollution and wondered how not even the nightmares of this city could change how she felt to be home.

And it was a good thing she did love the city, she had, after all, walked almost every inch of it this afternoon. It had been three days since she'd touched down on a quiet back street behind her apartment and gratefully collapsed on her large, warm, luxurious bed. Three long days which she filled with hot baths and bacon sandwiches, with endless repeats of everything her TV had to offer and long solitary walks along the river.

She was running out of excuses and Harry's owl had left her in no doubt that her time was up;

_Enough hiding Hermione, you're expected for dinner, I know you won't disappoint Teddy, he's missed you. H xx_

Emotional blackmail, bastard.

So she had walked, she had taken buses, she had ridden the tube, she had taken every long way round she could think of and as she sun had begun to start its descent she had found herself on Primrose Hill, full of the heavy knowledge that there was no more procrastination. Damn, if she tried hard enough she could probably see the house, well... not see it, but see the neighbouring ones anyway.

She kicked the leaves and leant heavily against a reassuringly large Oak.

_This is it, just do it, close your eyes and..._

"Oh."

Never say that Hermione Granger wasn't eloquent when surprised.

"Hello."

_I'm not ready, I'm not ready. _Merlin, this was horrendous, she'd had no time, not plan of attack. One minute she was alone, the next he was there, in front of her, breathing her air, smirking in a way that was almost familiar, if it hadn't been for the worry which collected in the slightly more creased corners of his eyes or the almost invisible twitch in his jaw.

Once again he was right there, but miles away and she desperately tried to collect herself.

"What... how did you... here, now?" _Oh yes, beautifully put._

He raised an eyebrow and she almost cried to see it, just the right shape, just the right thickness... on just the right man... still the right man, the only man. Of course she'd already known that. He had always been the right man, she just wasn't the right girl... or hadn't been... or wasn't still... she really couldn't tell.

He followed her lead and looked down at the ground, stubbing his toe in the ground and shrugging in a way which made him look exactly like the bashful schoolboy she had once known his Godson to be. Sometimes they were so similar she was surprised the same blood didn't actually flow scarlet red through their veins.

"Been feeling twitchy all day. Got so I couldn't stand the house, needed a walk. My feet brought me here." Finally their eyes met over the same unspoken words;

_To me_

_To you_

His words flowed back into her thoughts, had she been needing him? Well yes, for months, but not today, today he'd been the last person she'd wanted to see, but then again he'd been the only one she'd thought of.

"Maybe it wasn't you this time." Once again, he'd seen the truth of her thoughts, or maybe he could just read her face that easily.

"Maybe it was me."

"Maybe..." Hermione was conscious that her answer was woefully inadequate, but for now it would have to do. He was lucky he'd gotten any words out of her at all.

"Do you want to walk back with me? I promise not to tell the others you were hiding." His smile shone as it always had and without hesitation she smiled back, finally glad to be back in his world.

"I wasn't hiding."

He chuckled quietly as they turned to walk down the hill, London spread out in front of them;

"Face it Hermione, you're totally busted."

Maybe this was going to be OK.


	53. Chapter 52: Anyway You Want Me

_Hello my lovelies, sorry things have become so sporadic. Also sorry they are likely to remain that way, my Grandmother is coming to stay and then I'm on holiday for two weeks. Still plenty of daydreaming time to plot and plan this story!_

_Keep the reviews coming, you know I love them..._

_xx_

**Chapter 52 Anyway You Want Me**

And for hours there was nothing to be frightened of at all. She sipped her wine and marvelled at how right it felt to be among these people again, her family, her friends, her lifeline. Nothing had changed, they laughed and bickered and revelled in each other's company as the night drew in. George was finally recovered and filled with the exuberance that only someone restricted to bed rest for months could manage, and the whole Weasley family were as close as they ever had been, rejuvenated slightly by the miracle of his recovery. She'd forgotten how it felt to be at the heart of this strong, sprawling family unit.

The children, millions of them now, ran happily from room to room in direct defiance of the Black family legacy of misery and terror. The sight of them brought a lump to throat. She had never truly realised, until her recent travels, what squalor and poverty some of the world had been born into. These children would never wonder what it was to be loved, to be warm; to be protected. They would lead good lives because they had the chance to choose, they could be whatever they wanted to be.

She'd seen so much suffering among so many people she had begun to understand how these people had turned to the dark side. Black hearted bastards prayed on their hopelessness and desolation and offered them what appeared to be a way out.

Of course it never was, but by the time they knew that it was too late.

She wondered, not for the first time, if she would ever have children of her own. Had Bella really won that battle? Did Sirius have any idea that happy families might not be a part of her future? Would it matter to him the way it mattered to her?

She'd always known, growing up, that she would be a mother. Of course back then the children had run through her dreams with red hair and freckles. Since that night when the Healers had informed her it might never happened she'd pushed the dream to the back of her mind, unattainable, unlikely, unknown faces in the distance.

They'd been edging back, inch by inch, since she'd begun to think about living life again. Coming back full force in her desperation to make the world safe. Of course they'd changed, black hair replacing red, grey eyes instead of brown. It was funny how they never looked like her. But it might never be. Could he live with that?

"So Granger, what are your plans?" Draco's voice broke her train of thought and she became aware of the sidelong glances, perhaps she'd been staring into space for slightly too long.

"You going back?" His voice was kind but it was a loaded question and he knew it. The room was silent in their expectation of her answer.

"I don't know."

Silence for a beat longer before James mercifully began to scream. Thank Merlin for the diversion of bed time and the protests and tears that came with it.

One by one mothers and babies returned home or crept upstairs to the guestrooms. An outsider might believe this to be an example of the sexism of traditional family roles but it couldn't be further from the truth. She would always love Luna, and Fleur and Melissa had become important to her, Tonks kept a civil tongue and a kind heart but Hermione knew she was never quite comfortable around her husband's ex lover. No, in truth they had quietly and tactfully left Hermione with her oldest and closest friends, and with the exception of Mrs Weasley who was busily readying herself and Arthur for the journey home, they were all men.

She never had been the girliest of girls. She'd never really obsessed over fashion and make up and boys. As she'd grown older she had found her own style and she'd become comfortable with her body and he feelings towards the opposite sex. And these men were the rocks which she had tethered herself to; Harry, back in his rightful place as her closest friend, tall and strong with the honesty and love she'd grown to expect from him. Draco Malfoy, a newer addition, but an important one nonetheless; so surprising in his choices and actions, and in his love for all of them.

Fred and George, together as ever but their own people these days, one married, the other re-building and recovering himself with the full love and support of his family around him. Bill and Charlie, slightly more unknown, but steadfast in their desire to see her safe and happy.

Remus, her friend, her point of release at one time. A man who had seen all of her and moved past it without awkwardness or rancour, moved back to the friendship they'd built over the years, regardless of her actions.

And Sirius; she would never find the words for him. Words had been her sanctuary at one point, something she could always rely on, but they could never capture the rush that ran through her when she saw him. They would never adequately explain the heat of his touch or the comfort she had found, so briefly, in his presence before this had all happened. And they couldn't quite touch on the feelings of doubt she had now. She hadn't been wrong when she realised this was her last chance, Remus had confirmed as much in a quiet word this evening;

"_You know he loves you?"_

"_Yes."_

"_I think he always will, but you're going to have to sort yourself out Hermione. Once your back there's no more leaving, so if you're not sure, not absolutely sure, then don't come back."_

_She'd nodded in understanding, she'd already known as much._

"_I love you sweetheart, but I love him too and this past year or so has been hard. Don't make it any harder, for either of you."_

So was she ready to come back? She'd felt uncomfortable in her Auror role for some time now but that didn't mean she had found her peace. Did he understand that he wasn't enough on his own, even though she loved him with her whole heart she had to find her place before she could be what he needed, what she needed?

But now wasn't the time to ponder, there was chat and banter and laughter until the early hours and as she kissed each one goodnight and busied herself with the washing up she began to sing quietly to herself. This house, no matter how strange and eerie it could be, would always feel like a kind of home to her.

She felt him behind her before he spoke, she'd always been able to feel his gaze on her and she knew it was running along her limbs, lingering over her back and running lower and lower... it was almost as if it was his hands running over her and she couldn't suppress the shiver, he would always have that effect.

"I miss your singing." He was right behind her now and she could feel his breath on her neck, had it been a good idea to tie up her hair? Either a good idea or the worst one she'd ever had, who knew?

"What are you doing?" Her voice sounded a lot stronger than she felt; she was elbow deep in suds, hot from the steam and his presence and alone in the kitchen with the man of her dreams. She had two choices; run for it or turn into him and welcome whatever he had to offer.

So she went for option three; stand rooted to the spot as if she'd been hit with a sticking charm and wait... just wait, for whatever was coming.

"What I've been dreaming of doing for months." One more step and he was flush against her back, breath soft in her ear and hands running along the length of her arms before travelling down to grasp hers under the soapy water.

She sighed as she tilted her back to help him gain access to her neck. She could protest as much as she wanted but her body would always betray her, this was what it craved and who was she to argue?

"Sirius, I'm not sure... I..." And he wouldn't let her anyway;

"Shh, this doesn't mean anything, let it go, let me in, we'll talk tomorrow."

And that was it; she was enveloped by his seaside freshness, his stubble scraped deliciously along her skin as he ran his tongue from her shoulder to her ear. She could feel him through her jeans and as he pushed forward even closer, sending tremors and lightning bolts through her, she felt her breath hitch.

Yes, they would talk tomorrow. Tonight she was his, anyway he wanted her.

TBC!!


	54. Chapter 53: Waited So Long

**Chapter 53 Waited So Long**

"Did you think about this?" Sirius purred in her ear as his hard, strong thighs pressed into her and his hand crept up from the sink, trailing drops of moisture up her stomach until he'd reached her chest, his hand warm through her shirt as he cupped her breast and groaned against her neck.

"Yes." It was little more than a whimper and she wasn't surprised when he called her on it.

"I asked you a question little one." It was more of a growl this time as he felt her nipple harden under his touch and tightened his hold on her as her knees threatened to buckle. Her hands had moved of their own accord and were now clutching at his taught, muscled forearm, trying to both push him away and keep him tethered to her forever as he continued his slow, careful exploration of every point he knew would drive her mad with need.

"It's rude not to answer you know?" One hand skimmed across her shirt on its journey downwards, "did you think about me the way I've thought about you?" His hand had reached the waist band of her jeans now and he trailed a finger across her skin, raising goose bumps as he went.

"Yes." Her voice was stronger now, but not by much, she could hear the tremor as the word passed her lips, if she'd thought about it really she would have done it on purpose, he'd always loved to hear the proof of his effect on her, and this was no exception.

"Do you want to know what I've thought about you?" Pop, went the button of her jeans, slowly, painfully slowly, her lowed the zip and let his fingers run smoothly over her knickers, lower and lower until... he stopped, tapping her centre briefly, almost business like, with one finger. A short, almost nothing touch which might as well have been 10,000 vaults for the effect it had on her. Her hips pushed back sharply against him of their own accord and she felt her core twitch and pulse inside her. No one else, no one else could ever, would ever do this to her. She could feel the smirk against her skin as teeth replaced soft lips and he began to nibble and suck on her delicate, flushed skin.

"I've dreamt of you over and over again, naked, wanton, writhing beneath me." His hand began to move again, rising to push her jeans down slightly, just enough to give him room to move.

"Is that what you want?"

His hand was now working between them, running across her arse and trailing down to dip between her legs, moving across her, feeling how much she wanted him.

"It is what you want isn't it? You're so wet for me." The hand that had occupied itself with her chest rose to turn her face to his, fingers firm across her jaw as her eyes met his and she felt the world stop. His eyes were simply boring into her, so intense, so beautiful; she drew a shaky breath at the sight and lent in to capture his lips with hers, tasting his desire.

"I've dreamt about you screaming my name as I lick every inch of you, I've thought about the way you look when your hands are tied behind you and you're riding me till we both explode, when you're on fire and I can't imagine ever not being inside you. I've thought about every bit of you, your beautiful, perfect legs around my waist, or over my shoulders, the look in your eyes when you come undone around me." His nimble fingers, now back in front of her, pushed her knickers to the side and ran across her, teasing her softly, driving her crazy. "Sometimes I almost imagined I could feel you next to me, feel the touch of your lips on my skin, your nails on my back, I've heard you sigh my name as I've ached for you very night."

"Tell me what you want Hermione." And as she ground herself against his hand and felt the pressure build and build she could only think of one thing in the world she wanted.

"You." As her legs began to tremble and her breath hitched.

"I want you." As her hands gripped the worktop in front of her, holding on for dear life.

"Inside me." She groaned as his fingers began to work inside her, twisting to hit a spot which made her close her eyes and throw her head back, crying out through gritted teeth;

"I want you to fuck me Sirius... I'm so... I need... please, god please Sirius... please make me come."

And her wish was his command as her heart threatened to burst with the speed of its beat and the feelings inside her went higher and higher until finally, as her knees let her down and she half collapsed, half leaned back into his arms, the world around her exploded completely and she heard him whisper against her clammy skin.

"You're amazing, I love you so much, please come back to me Hermione, please come back."

It could have been minutes or hours that they stood there against the kitchen sink, the door was open and there was a house of family and friends sleeping upstairs. Life was continuing on around them as Sirius' hand rested against her and his pleas rang out loud in the silence. She'd known this wasn't nothing, no matter what he'd said, it did matter, it all mattered, it always would. Every time they came back together it became more and more apparent; he was the only one for her.

Right now the love of her life had resumed his gentle kisses and caresses, brushing over his words and pushing aside any doubts they had brought back into her mind.

She moved to turn towards him, hands reaching out to run across his chest, marvelling at the feel of him under her touch once again. She let them take their natural course down the length of his chest and stomach before he stopped them at the button of his jeans;

"No, not here. Hold on." And before she knew it she felt the familiar twist inside her, when she opened her eyes she could hear the magical sound of waves bashing against the shore line through the quiet of the night.

"Ever since we first came here I've thought about being with you in this house. It's ridiculously cheesy I know, but I can't get the image of seeing you under the moonlight as it shines through the window and we can hear the waves." He smiled at her, embarrassed at his romantic notions as she reached out to bring him towards her, capturing his lips with hers and whispering against him;

"It sounds perfect." He was already walking her backwards through the house towards her bedroom, casting a warming charm as he opened the patio doors to her room, letting the smell of the sea into the room which was now lit softly by the moonlight.

"First I'm going to make love to you here." He promised as she began to unbutton his shirt, slipping his hands under her own clothing to play casually with her nipples, a move which seemed so casual but which set her burning once again.

"And then I'm going to fuck you in every room in this house."

The buttons shot across the room as she ripped the shirt open before moving to his trousers and tugging them down roughly. She loved it when is language got coarse and rough with lust. His breath quickened and his eyes never wavered from her face as she bit her lip and ran her fingers over his length.

She raised her face to his gaze as she pulled his shorts down, brushing against him and enjoying the way his eyes closed momentarily. When they opened again she wondered at the colour, she had never seen anything like it, they were the colour of the ocean outside on a stormy day. They were so 'him', so right, so warm as they gazed at her, following the path of his thumb as he ran it across her lower lip, allowing her to suck it into her mouth, her eyes full of promise.

"No more playing Mr Black." She dropped slow kisses against his chest on her way down, never breaking eye contact with him even when she reached her goal and drew her tongue along him, soliciting a groan and a shiver which made her celebrate silently. Somewhere, deep inside, there would always be the disconnected, odd looking little girl who would never have believed that a man like this would one day look at her as if his world began and ended with her presence in his life.

He was as impressive here as he was anywhere else, she had never considered a man's cock to be beautiful but somehow she would never tire of seeing the way his twitched under her touch. He was large and hot and delicious in her mouth and when she grasped him in her hand and sucked him hard she heard and felt the effect she was having. His hand was tangled in her hair and she could hear the pleas tumbling from his lips;

"Oh god... that's it... so good, you're so good... love that hot little mouth of yours."

It seemed like no time before he was tugging to her hair, pulling her up and towards him with a smile and a kiss;

"Carry that on much longer love and I'm afraid I'll break my promise to you."

She smiled right back at him, grasping him again and pulling him towards her;

"Never, you've got more stamina than any man."

He pulled her face to his and kissed her with passion and force, pushing her back again until she felt herself pressed against the wall and sighed in contentment, this was where she belonged.

"What can I say pet? You obviously bring out the best in me."

"Oh I'd say so," he'd pulled her shirt over her head and was busying himself with the straps of her bra, dropping kisses along her shoulders as he moved on to her jeans. Soon she was naked and squirming against him as picked her up and carried her to the bed.

She kept her legs wrapped around him as they tumbled on to the sheets, darting her tongue out to run it across his arm as he pinned her hands above her, moving his hips against hers and nuzzling her neck.

He dropped kisses against her heated skin and traced his tongue down her stomach, pausing to run it round her belly button and smirking into her as she giggled and thrust her hips towards him.

Before she knew it he had spun her around so her thighs straddled his head and his hands cupped her arse, needing her as he pulled her core down towards his mouth.

She trembled at the first touch of his tongue on her heat and clutched the head board as he pushed a finger deep inside her.

"Love the taste of your pussy angel, I could eat you for hours." He delved back into her, alternating between stroking her determinedly and plunged his tongue inside her, his eyes staring heatedly at her breasts as they moved above him, watching as she brought one hand back to pinch and play with a nipple, biting her lip and groaning his name.

She moaned and threw her head back as she rode him, moving in rhythm with his touch and calling out to God, or Merlin, or anyone who was listening to make this never stop... please make it never stop.

His tongue quickened as he felt her thighs tense round his head and heard the head board creak under her grasp, he moved faster, deeper, tasting all of her and revelling in the sound of her moans and prayers to the gods of sex.

"Yes... yes... come on, please... god... yes!"

But he gave her no time to recover, flipping her over again and throwing her legs over his shoulder as he finally plunged his length inside her, groaning at her tightness and the way she bucked against him as she cried out into the night.

Together as one they moved under the moonlight and briefly the thought crossed her mind that she had been right, this was perfect, he was perfect. The light played across his face and highlighted every shadow, every perfect rise and fall and the way his eyes bored into hers and his jaw clenched at the feel of her clenched around him.

"I love you." Her words were whispered into his ear and if it was possible she thought she felt him grown even larger inside her.

"I need you." Her hands ran across his back, tracing the lines and dips of his shoulders and biting down into his arm as he brought a hand between them to play with her, stroking softly in perfect time with his long, slow thrusts.

"I'm staying with you."

And that was it; that was all they needed, as their eyes met and the morning began to break over the shore they both knew she meant it. This time was different, they were closer, deeper, together as one and for the first time she really felt it in her heart, in every inch of her.

She'd waited so long to be sure, to be certain, and now that she was she wouldn't leave him again, wherever they went from here, they were going together.


	55. Chapter 54: No More Goodbyes

**Chapter 54 No More Goodbyes**

For a minute when he woke all he registered was the empty space next to him and he could have cried. _Idiot, _he thought, _of course she's gone, she's always bloody gone. _

But slowly, carefully, as if doubting his sanity, he registered the warmth of sheet next to him and the orchid spice smell which still hung in the air. A lesser man may have thanked the gods aloud, but Sirius was made of sterner stuff than that. As he cautiously opened his eyes and caught sight of her he merely allowed himself a small hum of satisfaction and delight.

Of course that was until he saw her face.

The last vestiges of moonlight were still spilling through the window, bathing her in silver and making her look every inch the otherworldly creature he believed her to be. This woman was like magic itself to him; necessary, exhilarating and a constant source of amazement. She had wrapped herself in the spare sheet from the bed and taken up residence in the broad wicker chair by the window. Her hair fell down her back like a river of soft curls and her delicate feet were tucked up underneath her. He never failed to wonder how so much life and strength could come from so small a vessel.

But it wasn't her hair or her legs, or even the faint shadow at the top of her thighs which caught his attention now. It was the tears, silent but constant as they streamed down her face.

_Oh god, oh god, oh god, she's going to leave me again. I won't make it. I just won't make it this time._

"Sweetheart?"

His question startled her and she looked round guiltily.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

He tried, but as usual he failed to keep the bite out of his voice.

"Were you planning on waking me before you left?"

"You want me to leave?"

"What?"

"I didn't realise... I thought... I'm sorry. I'll go."

"No!"

"But you said..."

"I thought you were leaving."

"No."

"Why not?"

"What?"

"Why aren't you leaving?"

That was enough for her and she flung herself at him from the chair, peppering his face in kisses and tears.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Sirius."

His hands were gentle but firm on her arms as he pushed her back to look into her eyes. Eyes which were so full of love he couldn't help himself believe that maybe this time she was finally staying. But it was dangerous to think that way, he'd been there before and it never ended well.

"Hermione, what's going on?"

"I love you."

His heart gave a little leap, as it always did when she said those words to him, but it will still tempered by the pit of dread he couldn't quite shift. Christ, she'd really done a number on him.

"I know, or I think I know. I love you too. Where's this going?"

"Us, or this conversation?"

"Us... this conversation... both."

She'd gained control over the tears now and all he could see in her eyes was fear, fear which he couldn't begin to understand.

"Hermione, tell me right now, what the fuck is going on. Are you leaving again?"

Once again she pulled him towards her, but this time she simply placed a sweet, chaste kiss on his lips before placing one hand over his heart and running the other across his cheek.

"No, not leaving, I'll stay forever if you'll have me?"

_Why the fuck are women so confusing? _He supposed his thoughts must have made their way through to her, as they always did, as she smiled for the first time and kissed him again.

"Merlin, I'm a mess aren't I? You must wonder what the hell I'm on about."

The smile did more than any words could to calm his pounding heart and put his nerves at rest.

"You could say that. Although I wouldn't say you're a mess, just a mystery."

"I can't have children."

She'd been smiling through the words, but almost as if the realisation of what she had said had suddenly hit the smile fell from her face and her eyes took on the wary look he'd seen a hundred times before. It didn't matter how often he told her otherwise, she would always believe she was less of a person because of the scars and the hurt, and now this...

"I know."

"Remus told you?"

"Yes, back in the beginning. I've always known. I don't care."

"Of course you care."

Now it was his turn to capture her face in his hands and bring her scared, beautiful eyes up to meet his own.

"No, I don't. You may be able to, you may not. I love you, and that's what matters. You're not some brood mare, Hermione. I love you. I want you. For you, not for what you can give me. I want to be with you, now and always and we'll cross each bridge as we come to it. There are so many things we can do together, there are so many possibilities. The whole world is there and I plan on seeing every inch of it with you."

He kissed her so gently she thought she might cry again, somewhere, somehow, she had done something right, and this was her reward. This man with the sea in his eyes and the largest heart she had ever known would take her. He would love her, scars and madness and all.

His fingers began to play with the ends of her hair as it feathered along the edge of the sheet which she still clutched to her chest. His touch made her heart skip as it always would, but it was the hope and honesty in his eyes which made her want to burst with love for him.

"And if we want a family then we'll find one, we'll find people who are lost and disjointed and confused like us and we'll be a family together. You've said it yourself; there are children out there who face death and destruction every day. We have everything we need to help them. You know as well as I do that family has nothing to do with blood. It is love and support and compassion and friendship, and if we chose to adopt a child they would never want for any of those things. You need to listen to me because I'm going to say this once and once only. It. Doesn't. Matter."

And, as the sun began to shine on them in the breaking morning and the waves played out their perfect score, he pulled her down beside him and went about kissing away every inch of fear and doubt she still held close to her.

And he gently whispered words of forever to her. Promises of hope and opportunity shimmered across her skin and slowly, softly, Hermione Granger felt herself heal.

"I think we're going to be OK, Sirius."

"No love, we'll be better than OK. We're going to be magic."


	56. Chapter 55: A Play In Three Parts

_Hello all, sorry I have been gone so long. There are various reasons, none of which are interesting enough to go into here! There is at least one more chapter in this and I have some other ideas for stories floating round my head so I should be back and writing from now on._

_Sorry again, I hope you're still interested to know how the story ends._

_xx_

**Chapter 55: A Play In Three Parts**

She folded the letter ever so carefully and returned it to its rightful place among the rest. Merlin, what a sentimental fool she was but she couldn't help it, if they'd been read once they'd been read a hundred times.

The ink on some had faded now, telling the tales of years gone by. 'The Life of Hermione Granger' he had once called the wooden box in front of her, 'A Play in Three Parts.' He had been right of course; he always almost was in the end. There were three parts to this story.

That turbulent and tumultuous beginning, they had both been so unsure. They had blindly stumbled their way through apologies and confessions on paper as if it was the only way they could be so honest, so true to themselves. Act One, words bursting with hope or trembling with fear; fear for themselves, fear for the other, fear for their future together. After all, neither one of them had been sure there really would be one. She had even kept the brief, terse note which Remus had received on the boat so long ago, reading it never failed to make her smile. He might have liked to hide it to others but those who knew him knew the truth; Sirius Black was furiously possessive when it came to his little witch. He had spent a life time perfecting the cool, calm exterior he presented to the outside world. But they knew the truth, she knew, and she loved him all the more for it.

Act Two, an Act she didn't even know was being written at the time. For six months she had been apart from him, travelling the world, 'fighting the good fight'. Every week he had written. Sometimes it had been more than once. All those hours and words and ink expended in his attempt the grasp onto the only way he could think of staying close to her.

Of course she'd never received them. How could she when they had never been sent? He'd kept his promise; he had set her free. He may not have sent them but they had been written nonetheless and his moods had shone through the letters so clearly it was as if she could hear him speaking the words;

'_I miss your singing. I'm not sure if I ever told you how comforting it was to hear the sound, even when I was pretending to myself that I hated your presence in this house I would always find a reason to be near the kitchen to hear you sing. You never knew I was there of course. I'm sorry for that, my anger wasted both of our time.'_

She'd smiled at that one. She had known, years of tracking had sharpened her hearing and she had heard him padding around almost silently. She had never brought it up; the eggshells she had been creeping on had been far too delicate at the time. Some of the letters, however, had taken a different tone.

'_Sometimes I'm so angry at you I could kill you myself. I try to understand, try to put myself in your shoes and see where it leads me. I've tried again and again and I'll tell you one thing little girl; it sure as dammed doesn't take me half way round the world to chase danger while I leave you with your heart broken once again at home. I don't think I could ever leave you like that, maybe it's selfish of me, maybe I am not as altruistic as you? Mind you, I don't think even you could kid yourself that what you are doing is completely on the up and up, can you? Are you still on the light side? Sometimes I wonder...'_

Page upon page had followed, letter after letter. His words had flowed continuously for six long months. He had addressed each one and then carefully added them to the growing pile in the top drawer of his desk. One day, not too long after her final return he had brought her up to his room and silently placed the letters in front of her. He kissed her once on the top of her head and then quietly left the room, leaving her to read. And read she had done, every letter, every word. And she had read between every line as well. She had seen how close she had come to losing him, how often he had come so near to writing her off, to retreating back into the angry shell he'd once inhabited.

'_I do wonder, Hermione, who you are getting to scratch that itch you so often had? Do you know someone looked at me that way yesterday, looked at me as if the thing they wanted most in the world was to fuck me senseless? That's not so uncommon an event you know? What is strange is that for the very first time since I came back from the veil and fell in love with you I was tempted. I was tempted to know whether another woman would ever serve as an adequate replacement. I'm not stupid, I know that's all they would ever be; a replacement for you. But maybe it would be better than this knot in my stomach which comes each time I think about the colour of your skin, and wonder if it's already been stained by the touch of someone else's fingers.'_

She had shivered in dread at that one, and cried at others. Some of them had made her smile as she remembered how much he loved her and how lucky she was. Some had left her ashamed, some angry, others had broken her heart. Some of them still did. Oh yes, she'd kept them, no matter the tone, no matter the anger or distaste. Each letter had found its place in this box, the good and the bad, and she treasured them. As he had said they were the story of her life.

He said once that he had shown her the letters because he felt there was a part of him she didn't know. He said that he couldn't marry her until she knew that he had wavered, even if it was just for a moment. My, hadn't that been the day when everything had changed?

"_I'm sorry, what?"_

_She had demanded as he paced back across the room, to be honest the habit was making her dizzy and she had felt that more than enough recently. Merlin knew what was wrong with her but she just couldn't seem to find stable ground this week. Everything felt as if it was consistently pitching and heaving it and if he paced one more lap she was going to be sick, again._

"_What do you mean what? Please listen to me, I'm trying to get you to see that I'm not perfect. I wavered you see, for a second yes, but for a second I thought about being with someone else."_

_She sipped gratefully from the glass of cold water by her side, when in the heavens had it gotten so hot? It was making her irritable and she may have been harsher than she meant to when she snapped back at him._

"_Yes, I heard you, and I read the letters. You're being ridiculous Sirius, you're not a fucking saint. Have you honestly been working yourself up over that?"_

_He nodded, slightly sheepishly, there would be no point in lying, she'd see through him in the end, always did._

"_Well I don't want to hear anything else about it. What was the other thing you said?"_

"_What other thing?"_

"_The OTHER thing Sirius." She had snapped again, he'd looked surprise and she knew why. It wasn't like her to be so shrewish, but she couldn't help it, she'd been biting her tongue all week, cross with everyone. Something quietly began to niggle at the back of her mind but he cut if off before it had chance to take shape..._

"_What? Oh... well, I can't marry you until you know."_

"_And when were you planning on having the wedding?" Her voice was quiet and if he'd been properly paying attention he would have heard the warning sound. It should have blared a warning at him as if she'd picked up the vase next to her and thrown it at his head. But he was still pacing and muttering to himself;_

"_It should be a fresh start, no secrets, just a few friends, somewhere beautiful, maybe The Burrow, Molly would be thrilled, I never got to see Remus' wedding, never got to see Harry's either, just more things I missed. Still..."_

_He never did get chance to finish the sentence._

"_SIRIUS BLACK, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" _

_Suddenly it was as clear as day to him that he may have played this badly, there was a row in the room, he could feel it brewing._

"_Is that your idea of a proposal? When did you make this decision? When were you planning on telling me? In fact, when the hell were you planning on ASKING me hey? Where's the romance? Where's the fucking question...?"_

_With that the vase finally did come flying towards his head and as he ducked to avoid it she stormed past him;_

"_You've taken a lot for granted don't you think?"_

_He'd wisely kept out of the kitchen for the next hour, letting her do some pacing of her own as she cursed him, cursed this damned heat, cursed her foul mood, cursed everything. She felt as if she couldn't quite control herself and without warning the tears began to fall as she slumped at the table._

_He wanted to marry her, he wanted to marry her and she had stormed out. She had overreacted, she couldn't help it, she had just seen red. Suddenly the giggles overtook the tears. She pictured his face as he ducked form the vase; absolute bewilderment. He must think her insane, or more likely he put it down to another mad rant from a hormonal woman._

_Hormones, that was obviously it, after all she had been known to suffer from slight mood swings when she was... but hang on, these weren't slight mood swings, she was nought to sixty in seconds, and she was hot and uncomfortable in her own skin and... and... Merlin... she was late._

"_PREGNANT."_

_She hadn't realised she shouted out loud until she heard him thundering down the stairs;_

"_What?"_

"_Fucking hell, Sirius. I think I'm pregnant."_


	57. Chapter 56: Foundation Stones

Chapter 56: Foundation Stones

And so began Act 3, and it started with a bang!

His face, as she gazed down from the bedroom window onto the magical sight below, she smiled to herself. She would never forget his face that night. He had stopped at the entrance to the kitchen and simply stared at her in slack jawed amazement.

"_What?"_

"_I think I'm pregnant. I'm late, I'm sick, I've been a horrible bitch all week. I'm so sorry about earlier, I'd give anything to marry you, I just get so cross... oh god..." Without warning she sat down on the nearest available chair with a thump and the tears began to fall._

_He was at her side in a second, clasping her hand in one of his and brushing her hair back from her face with the other._

"_Shh.... sweetheart, shh. It's OK, I get it, and I was an idiot anyway. But it's beside the point now, we concentrate on you now. Are you OK? Do you feel OK? Do you need anything? Is there anything I should be doing?"_

_He had knelt beside her and his warm, comforting presence helped to calm her as he placed gentle kisses across her cheek and forehead, before placing two fingers under her chin and ever so slowly tilting her face up to him in order to place the sweetest of kisses on her lips._

"_Are you sure sweetheart?"_

_She couldn't help but smile at the look in his eyes, they were full of excitement. The fog of confusion began to lift slowly and she let the truth set in. She was about to get the one thing she had been sure she would never have. Of course they had always said there was a chance, but a tiny, insignificant chance, a chance so small she had disregarded it completely. And she was sure, she wouldn't be able to explain how, but she was as sure about this as she had been about anything._

"_Yes. I know it, I can feel it. We're going to have a baby!" By now her smile matched his. A baby, she was growing a perfect little person inside her, a mixture of them both. _

_He swept her up into his arms and made every effort to kiss her senseless. He sat her on the table top and ran his hands up her arms to her shoulders before trailing kisses up her neck, murmuring soft words to her as he did._

"_God you're amazing. Nothing can keep you down can it? You're so beautiful, our baby is going to be so beautiful."_

_It was ridiculous really, her world had just spun on its axis, everything was changing, but one thing would remain the same; the switch inside her which never failed to flip when his kisses reached that spot just below her ear. _

_She had wrapped her legs around him and tugged him closer still. Silencing his protestations with kisses of her own and smiling triumphantly as she felt him harden against her. She had never really looked at the kitchen table the same way again._

Hermione felt a shiver of anticipation as she moved to wonder downstairs. He was back this evening, back from his travels and she was more than ready for his return. It had been a month, a bloody month. It was no wonder she was reading the letters more than ever.

She supposed Act 3 could be entitled Domestic Bliss, although domestic might be stretching things a little. Nothing in their life matched the mould of 2.4 children. Mind you, they were a magical people, and since when had that ever led to an ordinary life?

So no, maybe not domestic, but it had certainly been bliss.

Some witches sailed through pregnancy; they floated serenely through nine months of weight gain and swollen feet as if it was what they had been made for.

Hermione Granger was not one of those witches.

Her pregnancy had been hard, and the labour almost catastrophic. But when it was over, amid the harsh, hard truth that she would never conceive again, there had only been joy and love. When the pain and panic had subsided they were left with two beautiful, bouncing babies who were, without doubt, the most precious things either of them had ever seen.

Sirius was a natural father. She had never doubted how much love he had to give but he still astounded her with the skill and compassion with which he helped her to build this family. Their children were safe, secure, loved and nurtured. They would never know the stark loneliness and cruelty of his childhood, or the uncertainty she had felt through hers. Their children had been taught about love and respect, about past mistakes and hopes for a better future. And they had been taught about the Rolling Stones, on that subject he was immovable.

And now they were off to school. After ten years of attempting to impart the knowledge and skills they needed to face a wider world, they were letting the twins lose on an unsuspecting Hogwarts. Let no one forget that these children had been brought into the world by one third of the Golden Trio and one of the greatest Marauders.

Oh yes, they looked like angels; Matilda with her long, raven black locks which wound down her back as gracefully as she wound her father round her little finger, and Joshua, a boy who was usually hidden behind a book, but who those in the know were aware was usually plotting and planning with a skill which made George and Fred proud to be honourary uncles. When he did finally emerge to put his dastardly plans into action his dark grey eyes made her worry for the Hogwarts girls in years to come. Their children were indeed a devastating mixture of both of their parents; astonishingly bright and perceptive, loving and kind, and boisterous and mischievous in the very best of ways.

Hermione wondered how long it would take them to make it to the Professor's 'watch list'. She suspected they were already on it in anticipation of the riot that the off spring of two if the schools most infamous alumni could cause!

The twins were currently terrorising Uncle Remus as he attempted to spend a weekend camping with Harry, Draco and what appeared to be a million scampering children. In truth it was only nine. James had quickly been followed by Lilly Ginevra Potter, who had in turn been followed by little Ronald who's blue eyes, although clearly Luna's influence, still reminded her so clearly of his name sake. Draco and Melissa had successfully produced two carbon copies of themselves in Heather (Melissa's choice) and Zelimir (clearly Draco's choice), blonde haired, confident children who spelt trouble in a mile high sign but yet managed to be universally loved and adored by everyone who met them. Remus and Tonks had followed the arrival of Matilda and Joshua only a month later with their own addition of little Albus.

As the some of the names suggested, these were the children who had been a gift of those who had loved and sacrificed in the past. Some may think it a morbid tradition, to name children in tribute, but their large and close knit family saw it as a legacy. None of the kids knew yet about some of the harsher details, none but Teddy anyway who was now a man himself. They would, no doubt, find out in time, they had been raised to question rather than accept. And when they did it would only compound the sense of pride they already felt in their names. There wasn't any pressure, no expectations. These children would make their way in the world as they saw fit. But they would do so in the knowledge that the world was a place where people were willing to die to uphold good and truth, and she hoped that this fact would influence their decisions, because who knew what choices life would bring? All she knew, like every generation of parents before her, was that these children were the foundation stones of the future, whatever that may be.

But for now they remained children, and they would no doubt be running the men ragged as she waited to the return of the twin's father, and the two blessed days of peace which Remus had promised them as an anniversary present.

It was ten years to the day since Sirius had slipped a ring on her finger outside The Burrow, in front of their friends and loved ones, and promised to be hers for ever more. It was ten years exactly since she had clung to him through the night and wondered at how it was possible to feel even more complete just because of a small band of gold and a few words spoken out loud.

Someone had asked her once how their marriage remained so stable when they had been two such troubled souls. At the time she had been at a loss on how to answer them; they just were, that was all there was to it.

But she had time to reflect and she knew the truth now. It was knowledge; it was her innate knowledge of every part of him, and his ability to see right into the heart of her. He knew when to back off, and he knew when a tantrum needed words or when it needed space. He knew how to bring her down off her occasional high horse without giving it a second thought, and he knew when she needed him.

He'd said once that all she needed to do was to want him enough, need him enough, and he would be there. He had never failed to keep that promise. In the early years there had been more than enough thankless days, when she felt as if the world was moving against her, trying everything it could to stop her making it a better place. He had always been there at the end of one of those days, wordlessly pouring her into a hot bath and soothing her worries with magic hands on her shoulders.

He had banished her thoughts in a tangle of silk sheets night after night when she had felt like screaming with frustration, leaving her sated and satisfied in the knowledge that she would never face these trials alone. He had stood at her side when she argued with official after official to get their project off the ground, sometimes she had been the one holding him back as he railed against ignorance and stupidity. No, she would never be alone again.

It was in the way she knew him so well. He had never quite recovered from those lonely years spent locked away, and the insecurities he had once nursed through the night came back to haunt him at the most unexpected of times, and she always knew. You would never know it from the outside; he kept up such a strong front. But she wasn't outside, she was inside. She knew every anger or fear, every joy or celebration inside his heart as well as he knew her own.

And they knew each other in the bedroom, or outside the bedroom against the wall in the hallway, or on the table, or the veranda, or the roof terrace of her apartment which they kept for just that purpose, or anywhere else you cared to mention. He was insatiable when it came to her and she matched him time for time. It had never faded; that spark which ignited somewhere deep inside her when she caught a certain look, of felt a gentle, or not so gentle touch. The muttered words; "mine... always mine," still made her heart beat stronger and the molten silver in his eyes would never fail to make her breath hitch and her body tremble. This man was a god among men. And he was all hers.


	58. Chapter 57: Then, Now, Always

**_Hi all, thanks for sticking along for the ride. Sorry it was a little sporadic towards the end!_**

**_I hope you;ve enjoyed the story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Now if only I could find a man that hot!!_**

**_As ever, read and review, let me know what you think. I'm a review junkie!_**

**_xx_**

**Chapter 57: Then, Now, Always**

Hermione sighed and put down her tea, relaxing clearly wasn't going to work. She had thought that after her whirlwind of activity this afternoon she would welcome a few minutes to herself. Instead she found her eyes glued to the clock and her mind racing through her vast spell knowledge to find the one which one of her evil children must have used to make the seconds go by so damn slowly.

Seriously, she'd been sitting on this chair for hours surely? No, just minutes, ten of them to be exact. Ten slow, teasing, insufferably smug little minutes.

It would help if she'd known when to expect him back but no, that would be far too easy. The gods forbid that the great Sirius Black would deign to let her know about his plans, damn irritating, disorganised... beautiful... wonderful man.

She toyed with giving the library another quick tidy but the baleful glares of her chess pieces suggested she might have done enough damage with the duster already. Stupid magic games, at least Muggle ones would let you take your frustrations out on them without handing out a sermon on the benefits of finding a useful occupation.

Useful occupation? How much more useful could she be?

After the troubles had ended and the dust had settled and they had found themselves married with a family Sirius and Hermione had looked around in shock. They were both horribly aware that they had no idea what to do next.

Hermione was no longer searching for the next available evil and Sirius had inevitably begun to tire of working for someone else. They were rich and free and, well, bored. The twins were a full time occupation and they both treasured every minute they spent together, but in the cold light of the early morning they couldn't help the doubts. The twins would grow up one day, where they in danger of becoming parents who lived through their children? Hermione had shuddered at the prospect, she needed her own life, they both did.

In the end they had looked deep within themselves to find the thing they cared about most, what was it they had fought for in the first place all those years ago? They had fought to make sure that the pain and misery had stopped, they had fought in defence of everyone who couldn't defend themselves, not too sound too clichéd but they had fought for a better future. How did you try for a better future? Education. Who needed education? The children. That was it, it was the children, all the quietly desperate, tragedy or poverty struck children in this magical world, who were the most vulnerable. They were an easy mark for those that would seek to draw them down a darker path.

It had not been easy, and it had not been quick. There had been trials and tribulations and people who would never quite except that help was needed, or possible. But they had stood together against their opponents and created a new home for as many as they could. Hermione's cynical heart had been amazed at how many Witches and Wizards had gone out of their way to donate time, or money, or anything they could spare to help them. Sirius, a man for whom the most cynical of attitudes would be completely understandable, had simply taken her hand and drawn her towards him to rest his chin on the top of her head.

"Never be surprised by the capacity for love most people have within them, sweetheart."

Just one more nail in the coffin of her eternal love for him.

One thing had lead to another and before long their project had spiralled and grown into something unexpected. In the deep, dark hours of the night the two of them would lie wrapped up in one another and plan and plot. Amid hard work, determination, pleading and cajoling their plans had taken shape.

The McGonnagall Institute was truly something to behold. Ten schools across the world, each nurturing and educating in a way in which they hoped the great Witch herself would approve. She had been a woman of substance who had affected everyone she taught and loved, and they had not been able to think of a better way to honour her.

The schools were free to anyone who needed them to be, they were funded by donations and, secretly, from the rather large Black family bank vaults. After all, they had more money than they would be able to spend in countless lifetimes.

Aside from the schools they had opened drop in centres wherever possible. Refuges of a sort where people in need could seek out advice or comfort. Then there was a lecture tour as well, the great and the good of the Wizarding world had agreed to share their tales and experiences with anyone who cared to listen. These talks carried the hope that they could bare just enough influence to ensure no one ever had to live through the experiences which had shaped their own nightmares.

Of course, it helped when the great and the good were your own friends and family; never underestimate the power of emotional blackmail.

It was no use, she felt ridiculous, sitting here in a negligee and kimono robe, buffed and polished with all the skill she could muster, waiting... and waiting.

No, she would have to do something. After a good five minutes of prowling the house looking for something to do she alighted on the kitchen and breathed a sigh of relief. Thank Merlin for washing up.

And so it was that he finally found her, singing softly to herself as she carefully washed away the remains of the twin's most recent cooking attempts. It was so close to the image he'd burned into his memory from so long ago. So close but yet so far; back then there had been so much doubt, so much fear in his heart that he would lose her again. This time couldn't have been more different. He knew with all his heart that she was his, and would be forever, as he would be hers.

A crept towards her, admiring her body as he had done countless times before. And when he saw her stiffen slightly before relaxing with a sigh he knew that she knew he was there.

"Miss me?"

His hands felt so warm and strong against her waist as he whispered in her ear, something which never failed to give her shivers. She sighed again and leaned back into him.

"Always, love. Don't leave for that long again."

"You just miss the sex, admit it!"

He smirked into her skin as he bit down gently on her neck but they both knew that she was serious. The longest they had spent apart since she'd found out she was pregnant was two weeks, this last month had felt like a year to both of them.

"Sirius..." she murmured warningly before he cut her off.

"I know, love. I know, never again, I promise." He wouldn't change what they had accomplished, but he'd cursed the fact that work had kept him from her all this time. The soft orchid smell rising from her perfect skin made his head spin; it had been so long that this was almost like the first time.

His hands had started their journey over the silk of her robe, relishing the smooth, cool feel of the material against his hands as they traced her curves. How like his little witch it was to get so dressed up for his return, only to get distracted and leave him to find her elbow deep in washing up water with her face slightly flushed from the steam.

As she turned her head to gaze into his eyes his breath caught in his throat again and all he could do was stare.

"Sirius? What is it?" She blushed self consciously and ran a hand over her face, searching for whatever it was which was out of place and had caused him to look at her as if he'd ever seen her before.

"Sirius?"

He gave himself a small shake and smiled at her confused expression.

"I'm sorry love, it's just... well... if it's possible I think I might have forgotten just how beautiful you are. Look at you, even more amazing then you were when I first fell in love with you."

His lips were soft against hers as he captured them in their first kiss in a month, and she melted against him as always before breaking away and frowning at him, with a hint of a smile that let him know she wasn't cross.

"Rubbish, I was thinner, and younger and I didn't have these damn lines by my eyes. You're just feeling horny and your eyes are playing tricks on you."

He smiled and kissed her again. There was nothing gentle about this one, it was rough and demanding and held promises which made her knees tremble.

"Silly girl," he whispered, his voice low and warm, it was always 'girl', she didn't bother correcting him anymore, she didn't take the time to point out that she was his wife and mother of his children. In truth she liked the way he spoke to her. She loved that he could make her feel sixteen again with one little word, and he knew it, and that's why she would always be his 'girl'.

"Silly girl," he repeated against her flushed skin, "you're the one playing tricks. You've grown more beautiful every day, it's against the laws of science you know." He'd pulled her back against him now.

"Must be magic." Now his voice was just a growl, a low, gravel sound which made her throb in time to her heartbeat.

"Sirius..." she made one last attempt to explain that he was biased, or blind, or maybe just stupid but she knew the time for talking had passed.

"Shh, no more conversation, I have other plans for you my little Witch."

He pulled her round roughly and crashed his lips into hers, pining her to the counter to keep her from falling. He'd always loved the affect he had on her.

Without ceremony he ripped her robe from her in one movement and his eyes shone at the silk and lace beneath it.

"I assume this is for me?" He asked before running his thumb over her nipple and smirking as it sprang to attention beneath his touch, begging for more. It never mattered what kind of mood she was in, how tired or angry, he body would always betray her under his touch.

He picked her up and kissed her softly as her legs automatically wrapped around his waist, enjoying the way she felt his muscles twitch against her legs. She had waited for so long and now she was insatiable as she planted kisses along his neck and any other parts of him she could reach. It was almost like a dream, and if it was a dream she was going to make sure it was a damn good one. He almost stumbled for a moment as she ground her hips into his, letting him know he could take right now if he was so inclined. But Sirius Black was the master of control and he reminded himself that he had other plans for his witch this evening. He was going to play with her all night, he was going to touch and taste and fuck her in every way possible, if he had his way she wouldn't be able to walk straight by the end of the weekend.

She was surprised when she felt the kitchen table against her, his hands and kisses were all encompassing and she had quite forgotten where she was. Her vision returned with a blur; her warm cosy kitchen, darkening in the evening light with just the light from the fire to illuminate the miraculous sight in front of her. Would she ever get over how beautiful this man... _her husband..._was? She doubted it. It could be a glimpse of the smile she knew he kept just for her, or a twitch of his eyebrow, sometimes it was a flash of skin at his stomach or the way his arms flexed when he span their daughter in the air while she screamed in delight, just one little thing and she was transported back to the feelings of awe she'd felt when she'd met him again. All those years ago when he'd taken a dark and damaged girl and painstakingly gone about winning her trust and her love.

Right now it was the look in his eyes, and the feel of his hands as they ran up her thighs, pulling them apart as he pushed himself against her. Oh yes, this was what she wanted, here and now, hard and fast.

She should have known it was never quite that simple.

"Huh..?" was about all she could manage in the way of a question as he stepped back away from her, leaving her pink and panting and mesmerised by the swell of his lips and the shadow of stubble running across his skin.

"I want to watch you." Was all he gave in the way of explanation. She began to stand to make her way towards him but with a flick of his hand she found herself back on the table, firmly stuck to the surface.

"Sirius, stop fucking about... come back and finish what you started." She was ready and willing and now feeling desperately empty between her legs, she wanted him back, pushing into her, filling the space like only he could.

"Oh I will finish it my girl, and I promise there'll be plenty of fucking about, but for now I want to watch you, I told you. Open your legs for me."

He'd stepped back far enough to reach the chair by the fire and settled himself down, shirt unbuttoned and thighs firm in his jeans. Edible, he was simply edible.

"Hermione," his voice broke her out of her stupor and she began to feel that pulse beat again at the look in his eyes. She'd seen that look before; he was going to play with her, make her squirm and beg and plead for him while she trembled and shuddered.

"Hermione, I asked you to open your legs for me, surely you aren't going to disobey me? You know there are consequences if you do."

_Yes, yes, consequences._

Oh she remembered the consequences only too well, she'd devoted hours to the memories of that tantalising mixture of excitement and shyness she'd felt bent over his knee while he'd punished her for being such a 'naughty little Witch.' No one else would ever know that secret, it was theirs and theirs alone.

But maybe she'd give him an excuse later on, for now she needed to be touched, and if she was going to have to use her own hands then so be it.

"Good girl." He murmured his approval as she hesitantly began to spread her legs, baring herself to his gaze. It didn't matter how many times she did this for him, he could still make her feel like a schoolgirl with a single arch of his eyebrow.

"So beautiful, you're so beautiful, Hermione." His eyes were burning her up now and she could feel herself, wet against the evening air, and desperate.

The slight tingle in her hands let her know she was free to explore as she chose and she let them take an ever so slow journey towards her centre, knowing it was her turn to torture him now. Another flick of his wrist left her naked under his gaze and she felt a hum of satisfaction when he groaned at the sight of her spread on the table just for him.

"Yes, go on, touch yourself for me, show me how you think of me when I'm away. Do you think of me, Hermione, when I'm not here?"

"You know I do."

"Do you think about me touching you?" His words travelled over her like velvet as she let her fingers skim along her folds.

"Always."

"Do you think about me fucking you? Making love to you? Taking you in every way I can, over and over again?"

Just a few light strokes and her thighs were quivering, magic, it could only be magic between them.

"Oh gods, Sirius, please..."

"Answer me, do you think about us together like that?"

"Yes, yes."

The quiver had become a tremble and had spread across her body, his eyes rose and she knew he was enjoying the way her breasts moved with the force of the feelings which ran through her.

"Do you think about me pushing you back and spreading your legs and licking you until you're screaming? Do you think about the way my stubble feels against your thighs, or about the way you shiver when I blow on your clit?"

She was beyond words now, her chest was heaving and he breath was coming in pants and Merlin knows she was about to fly off this damned table. She managed a kind of whimper and felt that brief nanosecond of nothing before her back arched and the white light shot behind her eyes and she came with a gasp and a moan.

When she opened her eyes again he was right in front of her, naked and glorious and demanding her full attention.

"Because I've thought about all of those things, Hermione. Every damn day I've thought about you and tossed myself off like a school boy in the dark, knowing that all that time you've been here, wet and tight and beautiful." His lips captured hers and almost unbelievably she felt the pulse between her legs start to beat again. It was going to be a long, long night, because she knew she wouldn't be satisfied until she'd had him again and again.

He pulled back and ran his thumb across her lip again, one little gesture which said all the words they felt, one touch which said everything they needed to know without making a sound, another thing which was theirs, and only theirs.

"I knew you were here... waiting for me..." He inched towards her mouth again and she felt him push his cock against her, hard and firm and perfect. She spread herself as wide as she could, silently pleading.

_All of you, I want all of you, be mine, I'm yours._

"...mine." He whispered as he finally pushed inside her.

Hermione Black was a lucky, lucky woman. She had walked through fire and carried the scars. But on the other side she had found something which comes just once in a life time, if you're very, very careful and don't let the opportunity pass you by.

Once she'd pleaded with death to take her, to stop the burn and let her rest. But out of the never ending abyss of god knows where Sirius Black had exploded into her life. Together they had built a life, a family, and a love which kept her tethered and whole. And together they had a passion which she had never imagined, one which would never fade.

And how close she'd come to walking away. The thought made her shiver against him with the horrible chill of what could have been. He knew her so well, he knew every moan and sigh and movement, and as ever he knew something was going on in her overactive mind. And he knew how to make it better; where some would question or soothe with kisses, or worse still, pause and comment, he simply pulled her against him more firmly and slowed his thrusts down, making every one last a life time.

He let her feel every inch of him against her, inside her, filling her, hot and hard. His hands gripped her hips, holding her steady and controlling the pace, it was a rare moment in which this man lost control. But as she felt him tremble against her she knew he was desperate for her now, and she knew he was as lost without her as she was without him. They were two parts of a whole, two heart beats, two beings, but one soul.

He tilted her face up to look into her eyes as she felt the rush of heat which heralded another white light explosion. He rode along with her and he gazed at her the way he had since the first day they'd met again, the way he would until the day they died, together, they would always be together. His kiss with hard and full of lust and love and left her breathless as he pulled away to whisper into her ear.

"I love you. I'll always love you. Then, now and always, my love... always."

Like I said, Hermione Black was a lucky, lucky woman.


End file.
